Defying Gravity

Just Gay

2009-06-11T19:28:00.000-07:00

The Wicked Witch never died- she just sneaked away with her Fiyero in the end.

I am officially done with BYU and the LDS church. I graduated in April, and I'll be sending in my letter of resignation to Salt Lake very soon. It feels so good to be out and to be resolved. I am lucky to have made it out in one piece, and even luckier to have found the love of my life while I was at school. Then again, I guess marriage is what BYU is all about. Yes, it's a very happy ending to this blog. At the end of the day, I'll tell you that the reason I needed to join the LDS church, alienate my family, leave the country for two years, and suffer through BYU was to meet a boy and fall in love.

For anyone who is reading this blog as a gay BYU student, please understand that if you decide to leave the church, you CAN find happiness and fulfillment. I know that it's really really hard to make the decision, but there are so many people out there who are willing to help you through. Feel free to email me or to reach out to the blogging world to find out more about the moho community.

So I suppose that's it, though you can be sure you'll hear from me again. We already have a joint blog in the works. I'll be in Utah for the rest of the year, but after that you can look for me back east- most likely one of those purple states.

I'll let John Rzeznik have the last word-

"You're the only one I ever believed in
The answer that could never be found
The moment you decided to let love in
Now I'm banging on the door of an angel
The end of fear is where we begin
The moment we decided to let love in"

Hooray for Connecticut!

2008-10-10T14:47:00.000-07:00

Three down, forty-seven to go. Hopefully that won't go back up to forty-eight in November. I am so disgusted with the church's reaction to gay marriage in California. I have yet to hear even one nominally cogent argument against gay marriage. Please, if you have one, let me know. I'd like to think that those who will be voting for Proposition 8 are not complete idiots- that there must be some good reasons for their support of what seems to me like a selfish, incompassionate, un-Christian, discriminatory proposition.

Limbo No More

2008-07-17T01:48:00.000-07:00

The last few months I have been trying to reassess what spirituality and religion and God all mean to me. When I joined the church it was easy- everything was placed in front of me and I just had to do what everyone else was doing. God was like this, the Holy Ghost felt like this; it was a matter of jumping into the rut and trenching in. Since I’ve climbed out, it has been refreshing to finally breathe new air and see things that I was not seeing before, but I confess I’ve felt a little lost now and then. It can be difficult to embrace a nearly blank slate. But I think in the end it will be so much more spiritually rewarding than anything the rut had to offer. I foresee a much more personal connection with heaven because I will be searching for what is right for me instead of following a brown formula. I do that- I think of things in colors. The church and the rut and the formula are all brown in my mind. And not like a rich library brown or a Hershey brown- more like a decaying grayish brown- think cold oatmeal. Now the world outside the rut- I feel bright green and blue, silver, white, and violet. I guess I have to think of this new world as more of an open horizon and wonderment of colors than a strange wilderness of intimidating hues. It’s time to fill up my new space- I finally have room to run!

My house, my role
My friends, my man
My devotion to God
All amorphous, indefinite

Nothing's been clear
Nothing's been in
Nothing's felt true
And I've never had both feet in
Nothing's belonged
Nothing's been yes
Nowhere's been home
And I'm ready to be limbo no more

My taste, my peers
My identity, my affiliation
All amorphous, indefinite

Nothing's been clear
Nothing's been in
Nothing's felt true
And I've never had both feet in
Nothing's belonged
Nothing's been yes
Nowhere's been home
And I'm ready to be limbo no more

I sit with filled frames
And my books and my dogs at my feet
My friends by my side
My past in a heap
Thrown out most of my things
Only kept what I need to carve
Something consistent and notably me

Tattoo on my skin
My teacher's in heart
My house is a home
Something at last I can feel a part of
Sense of myself
My purpose is clear
My roots in the ground
Something at last I can feel a part of
Something aligned
To finally commit
Somewhere I belong
Cause I'm ready to be limbo no more
My wisdom applied
A firm foundation
A vow to myself
'Cause I'm ready to be limbo no more

Bravery and Cowardice

2008-05-16T00:10:00.000-07:00

Who is the coward? I am sure that there are gay Mormons out there who would label those who leave the church to pursue a homosexual lifestyle as cowards; they’re too weak to keep the commandments- too pusillanimous to follow what they know in their hearts to be true. They’re taking the easy way out.

Who is the coward? I am sure that there are gay Mormon renegades out there who would label those who choose to stay in the church as cowards; they’re too craven to leave what is comfortable, acceptable, and safe- too weak to genuinely explore and embrace their identity. They’re taking the easy way out.

Who is the coward? Who is insecure?

So if you care to find me...

2008-05-15T12:21:00.000-07:00

Hooray for California! It's about time.

Meet Mr. Nietzsche

2008-05-01T15:53:00.000-07:00

Friedrich Nietzsche is perhaps most well known as a philosopher for his quote “God is dead and we have killed him.” He thought Christians were brainwashed slaves- slaves of traditions and morals that favored underachievement (what Christians call humility), and of deception (the fact that we have a biased, self-glorifying concept of “good”). What then is “good” in Nietzsche’s mind? The will to power- that doesn’t necessarily mean power over other people; rather, Nietzsche is referring to having power over oneself. In other words, people should try to overcome the temptation to blindly accept widely held truths or traditions and be brave enough to question, delving into the unknown. In my mind, that is what takes real humility and courage.

Nietzsche also condemns Christianity for parading as a love-filled way of life when so much of it is based in hatred and pity. The Christian doctrine of Final Judgment, he says, was born out of a bitter resentment that the lower class held toward the wealth and power of the noble class. Today it simply serves as a way for any Christian to feel satisfied that their enemies, the people that they envy, and those who belong to any opposing order of society will be punished, securing eternal power and superiority for the Christian.

Of course, I don't agree with everything that Nietzsche teaches (and I still consider myself to be a Christian), but I think his point of view deserves fair consideration. I think that most Christians, whether consciously or subconsciously passing judgments, fit Nietzsche's description- I know I certainly have felt a sense of validation or vindication on several occasions when I have reassured myself that some mean or stuck-up person would get theirs at Judgment Day. And I'm sure that there are plenty of Christians out there who rest easy because the feminists, the intellectuals, and the gays will all get their comeuppance in hell (or in the terrestrial kingdom, if you prefer). Am I wrong to think that this doesn't sound like a very loving way to think about other people? Really, it's not surprising at all that atheism is so popular. I think we all should be a little more Nietzschean.

So This is Gay

2008-04-16T15:24:00.000-07:00

The school year is almost over (at least for me :)) and I’ve been thinking about how much life has changed since September. It’s been over six months now since I started coming out again and since I started dating boys. I didn’t really wait very long at all in the beginning to get my feet wet; I think it was less than a week after I started this blog when I got into a relationship, and I haven’t stopped dating since. I don’t want to sound like a floozy- I’ve only dated two boys ;)

I still have a lot of coming out to do- most of which I will probably save for post-Provo life- but I have come out to my immediate family and all of my closest friends. My family has only become more positive about my gayness and with the idea of me dating boys. In fact, I’ll be taking one home with me at the end of the month and my parents are looking forward to meeting him.

From all this dating and coming out I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’ve learned what it means to fall in love. I’ve seen both my selfish and selfless extremes. I’ve found out more about just how splendidly joyous and how knifishly (I think I just stole that word from Pan) painful life can be. I’ve also learned some less serious things about me- like how incredibly attractive I find boys with squinty eyes (Josh Hartnett style!), how I love dancing in cages, and how I look really good with eyeliner lol.

I definitely like who I now more than who I was last year. No more dragon-fighting, no more emotional masochism, and no more pretending- just me.

Grievances

2008-04-10T00:55:00.000-07:00

So I hope you all caught on to my April Fools joke- It made me laugh :P I have to give half of the credit to Alanis, who once again pulled through with the perfect lyrics. She pretty much is the best lyricist ever.

I've had several conversations in the last 6 months in which I've been told that I am taking the easy way out. I want to be gay so I'm picking at the church's doctrine concerning homosexuality to justify my way out of Mormonism. This bothers me. First of all, I am not taking the easy way out. The way I'm heading is just as difficult with just as many problems along the way. Second, the church's position on homosexuality is not the only thing that rubs me the wrong way. I have already explained a little bit about why I'm feeling disenchanted with organized religion in general, but I would like to make a list of all the things that are specifically driving me away from Mormonism, aside from the gay issue.

Treatment of Blacks- The best that the church can say is that it does not know why Blacks were treated differently than other members, but that God commanded it. Denying temple and priesthood privileges based on race is disgusting and seems far from divinely inspired.

Knowing- I've already explained this one on several other occasions.

Commandments that do not deal with moral issues- These seem like sounding brass and tinkling cymbals.

The Book of Abraham- In my opinion, this has been proven to be a fabrication.

Twisting scripture for convenience- especially in the New Testament.

No questioning authority- I've already explained this one in other posts.

Elitism- And this one.

Denial of mistakes

Emotional manipulation

I had a doctrine and covenants professor who taught us that each church doctrine is like a book that we find in the giant gospel library (I'm already gagging on this analogy). Every time we find a book that we find distasteful or that we think is wrong, we should just put it back on the shelf and say "I hate this book and I can't understand it, but I trust that it belongs in the library and that it is important." We can come back to the book later, when we're more prepared (brainwashed) to swallow its chapters.

I'm sorry, but I just can't do this. Everything about it feels so wrong. I can't surrender reason and free thinking to conformity.

Hmmm- I didn't mean to end up sounding so bitingly bitter and anti-Mormon. And I'm sorry if the painting of Martin Luther seems a little pretentious of me. I just wanted to make clear that while the church's stance on homosexuality does bother me, there are plenty of other church doctrines that I find irreconcilable with my conception of God and his perfect nature. Even if the church suddenly changed it's view on homosexuality, I don't think it would change the way I feel.

I Told You So

2008-04-08T22:13:00.001-07:00

Back in December, I posted about the evils of scrapbooking. Some of you retaliated, and foolishly so! Let me quote the last paragraph from that post:

“Satan likes people to scrapbook. It also causes other people to waste their time. Now I’m not saying that scrapbooking is damnable (though I wouldn’t be surprised if the issue came up in General Conference), but I’m almost positive that all your scrapbooks are going to hell- where they belong! Sorry.”

I hope that all of you heard Elder Ballard in the Sunday afternoon session of general conference when he mentioned scrapbooking in a list of activities that people do to WASTE THEIR TIME! There you go- I told you so! Feel free to mail your scrapbooks to me; I will happily burn them and flush the ashes down the toilet.

I Forgot My Keys...er...Broomstick

2008-04-01T14:23:00.000-07:00

Okay- so the point of my last post was to say that I was planning on taking a break from blogging. But I had to come back for just a minute to share something a little bit monumental.

After six months of searching and philosophizing and praying about what I should be doing with my life, I've realized that I've been (sigh) on the wrong track. I've decided to completely embrace the doctrines of the church once more and go back to where I was one year ago. Why the change of heart? I guess it's because after going back and reading all of the comments that I've received on previous posts, I've realized that the church is always right.

I've also met someone that has stolen away my heart- and I'm shocked to say that it's a girl. I've already told her all about my ssa and she's been so understanding; she has a younger brother who also suffers from the same affliction, so it's something she's had lots of time to think about. She's coming home with me for spring break to hang out with my family- it's going to be awesome! My parents are (needless to say) very surprised, but excited to meet her.

So I guess I'll be going back in the closet again. I've been rereading everything that the church teaches about ssa, and I've come to the conclusion that if I want to overcome the suffering and temptations, then I should stop talking about them except with my councilor and bishop. I also need to stop associating with other mohos (a term which I will no longer use to describe myself- I am a latter-day saint and I don't want my ssa problem to define me) because I need to avoid even the appearance of sin. I also know that if I'm around others who share my issue that I will fall into temptation and start down the slippery slope to hell.

You know I love lyrics- so here's the perfect song for turning over an old leaf:

I won't see my dear friends as much
Male friends especially, I'll no longer be in touch
I'll change my hobbies to match yours
I'll stop reading my favorite books
I won't spend all this selfish time alone
I'll cater to you and hang on your every word

I'll be subservient and spineless
I'll lick your boots as empty shells
I'll be opinion-less and silent
I'll be the prettiest appendage to ever lose herself

I'll redefine self-sacrifice
Live my life as apologetic compromise
I'll know you'd leave if I rock the boat

I'll be subservient and spineless
I'll lick your boots as empty shells
I'll be opinion-less and silent
I'll be the prettiest appendage to ever lose herself

I feel this, truly proclaimed will help the curbing of this tendency
I know this sharing of shame will ensure that I won't forget myself so easily

I'll be low maintenance and agreeable
I will not talk about my dreams so much
I'll listen to you for hours, won't need anything

I'll be subservient and spineless
I'll lick your boots as empty shells
I'll be opinion-less and silent
I'll be the prettiest appendage to ever lose herself
-Alanis Morissette

Disappearing Act

2008-03-18T22:47:00.000-07:00

"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained." -Mark Twain

Down with Big Brother

2008-03-14T14:16:00.001-07:00

I think that I'm slowly changing my mind.

I've been wanting to say that the church is the right choice for anyone who sincerely feels that the church is true- I think I've been using the phrase "live and momentous option." But now I'm not so sure. If believing in church doctrine fosters bigotry, belittling, pride, elitism, and most of all if it hinders a person from thinking for themselves, then the option is momentous in a negative way and should be abandoned. Even if it simultaneously fosters service, devotion, prayer, modesty, and teaches peace, hope, and charity- real Christ-like love is not attained when any of the former qualities are present.

And I believe this is true not only for Mormonism but for any organized religion. Does God really want organized finger-pointing? Sadly, I think that many people belonging to any organized religion are too caught up in being right to be genuinely loving people. They may have their moments of charity and understanding, but there's no escaping the innate selfishness of the phrase, "I am right and you are wrong" -especially when we have no way of proving whose religious ideas are true. However, not all followers fall into this category. Some of my dearest friends (yes, some of them are Mormons) break the mold. And I am very blessed to have parents that are pretty open-minded as well. My mother has told me more than once that she wonders if in the end we will find out that none of the religions had it all right; more and more I am inclined to believe that she is right.

Life is about learning to love, and though almost any organized religion would agree with that notion, religious division frequently seems to prevent people from achieving true charity because they mistake pity for real love. I think a person is better off being an understanding atheist than a pitying believer.

What I'm trying to say with all of this is that I am feeling particularly disenchanted with organized religion in general and especially with Mormonism, since that is what I am presently most familiar with. I am not saying that it is bad to be a spiritual person or even a religious person- just so long as your religion doesn't turn you into a brainwashed raging finger-pointer on a pedestal.

Projections of Reality

2008-02-21T15:29:00.000-08:00

We as human beings are professionals when it comes to projecting. From projecting election results to projecting our noses into other people’s business- it just comes naturally. In fact, we do it everyday. We define our reality by projecting what we want or need to be true onto existence. No matter how much we claim to be objective about our interpretation of what is real, we just can’t seem to escape subjectivity. We want something to be true, so we say it’s true and then find reasons that make it true, projecting our morals and measurements onto nature. This is true of religion, of social standards, and even what we consider to be the most fundamental laws of reality- being, identity, causality, and time. We can’t or don’t want to understand the world in any other way. This of course does not mean that all of our projections are false, but it certainly calls into question the soundness of our beliefs. So how, when so much of our truth is faith-based, can we claim that one way of looking at the world is better than another? It’s time that we start being more honest with ourselves and accepting that we are addicted to projecting. Hello, my name is draco and I am a bona fide projectionalist.

Church

2008-02-13T17:39:00.000-08:00

You're unsure and you're not ready so that must mean I want you

You're unavailable and disinterested and to you I look for comfort
A milllion times in a million ways I will try to change you
A million months and a million days I'll try to convince you

I have waited for you and adjusted for you and I'm done
I have deferred to you and enabled you and I'm done

You're too young or you're too old or you're simply not inclined
You're asleep or you're withholding- be that my cue to crave you

Several times in several ways I'll try to squeeze love from you
Several hours and several ways I'll feast on scraps thrown from you

I have bent for you and I've deprived for you and I'm done
I have depressed for you and contorted for you and I'm done
I have stifled for you and I've compromised for you and I'm done
I have silenced for you and sacrificed for you and I'm done

It won't be long before I am reclaimed
It won't take long and I'll be on path again
It won't be easy for us to disengage
I'm at the end of self deprivation stage

You're afraid of every woman afraid of your inner workings
You cringe at the thought of living under the same roof as me god and everything

A million times and a million ways I've tried to alter to match you
Several times every several days I've tried to uncrush on you

I have waited for you and adjusted for you and I'm done
I have deferred to you and enabled you and I'm done
I have bent for you and I've deprived for you and I'm done
I have depressed for you and I've contorted for you and I'm done

Happy and Gay

2008-02-10T22:47:00.000-08:00

I love Ellen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yf1cBha_Czo&feature=related

If you haven't seen this, you NEED to watch it!

Getting Political

2008-02-03T14:31:00.000-08:00

I know that there’s already been quite a lot of discussion about whether or not it is appropriate for a Mormon to support gay marriage (see Abelard’s blog), but I feel like adding just a little more.

The church has clearly stated that its members should support legislation to protect marriage from homosexuals. In the August 2005 Ensign, we see the reasons why the church is stepping into politics:

“Church leaders have consistently affirmed that children are better off when born and reared in a family with both a mother and a father…. Research by family scholars supports the Church’s position. A recent publication compares children of single or cohabiting parents with children of married parents. While single parents often succeed in rearing well-adjusted, responsible children, the report concludes that, taken as a whole, children who live with married parents are less likely to divorce or become unwed parents themselves, are less likely to experience poverty, tend to have higher grades, are more likely to attend college, and experience lower rates of unemployment. On average, children of married parents also experience better physical and mental health, have lower rates of substance abuse, experience less child abuse, and are less likely to commit suicide or engage in criminal behavior. Parents can give children no greater gift than the example of a strong, loving marriage… If governments were to alter the moral climate by legitimizing same-sex marriages, gender confusion would increase, particularly among children, and this would further blur the line between good and evil”

I’m sorry, but this is absolutely ridiculous! Taking research gathered from observing single and cohabiting parents (which were probably heterosexuals living together out of wed-lock) and then projecting those results onto gay couples in committed marriage-like relationships is not only setting up a bad argument- it’s just downright deceitful! Talk about twisting the facts! Maybe the church is just afraid to publish real research about homosexual couples because the findings are not so supportive of its cause:

“…studies indicate that sexual orientation has no measurable effect on the quality of parent-child relationships or on the mental health of children.”

(http://www.narth.com/docs/does.html)

“There was no evidence in any of the studies of gender identity of any difficulties among children of lesbian mothers.”

“Taken together, the data do not suggest elevated rates of homosexuality among the offspring of lesbian or gay parents.”

“Results of research to date suggest that children of lesbian and gay parents have positive relationships with peers and that their relationships with adults of both sexes are also satisfactory. The picture of lesbian mothers' children that emerges is one of general engagement in social life with peers, with fathers, with grandparents, and with mothers' adult friends-both male and female, both heterosexual and homosexual. Fears about children of lesbians and gay men being sexually abused by adults, ostracized by peers, or isolated in single-sex lesbian or gay communities have received no support from the results of existing research.”

(http://www.apa.org/pi/lgbc/publications/lgpchildren.html)

The church has no substantial empirical evidence to show that gay families will hurt society. Alright- but God has commanded that it is wrong, so aren’t we justified in trying to ban gay marriage? The problem here is that the church is also committed to protecting religious rights (11^th Articles of Faith). All we need to do is imagine a situation in which a gay couple seeks to marry because, according to their religion, they believe that God has commanded them to marry and that such a marriage would be acceptable. Since there is no proof that letting this couple marry will be harmful to society, in theory the LDS church should not interfere with their marriage.

So all Mormons should support and not support allowing gay marriage. I didn’t know that God liked sending such mixed messages.

Brotherly Love

2008-01-28T16:56:00.001-08:00

I came out to my younger brother, Lee, last weekend and it was an ideal experience.
This is how the conversation started:

Draco: “So, Lee- there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about…”

Lee: “Draco- I already know. I’m not stupid.”

Draco: “Oh.”

You see, Lee had already found out about me back in high school- and lately he’s been asking my mom questions and I knew that he was suspicious of me again. His reaction was the best!

Lee: “Draco, you’re my brother and I’ll love you no matter what. Your happiness means a lot to me and I’m glad that you’re doing what makes you happy.”

And Lee almost never tells me that he loves me! During the course of the conversation he said it like 5 times! We talked for about an hour just laughing and being normal. I feel so lucky! Now I only have to worry about my youngest brother, Scott. I think he’ll be fine, though. He also knows from when I was in high school. I’ve asked my mom to talk to him about me before I do to give him some time to get re-used to the idea.

So that’s that- by far the easiest coming-out talk that I’ve ever had. I wish everyone would react the way that Lee did.

Gordon B. Hinckley

2008-01-27T23:39:00.000-08:00

-In loving memory of one of my greatest heroes-

No One Mourns the Wicked

2008-01-23T12:16:00.001-08:00

As most of you probably have heard, Heath Ledger was found dead yesterday in his New York apartment. Authorities suspect drug overdose. The actor was only 28 and has a 2-year-old daughter. I asked my roommate if he had heard the news and he had. He said that most people that he's talked to about it think that it was punishment from God for having been in Brokeback Mountain. I'm so glad that we're such a loving and compassionate people.

A Lyrical Pause

2008-01-17T15:30:00.000-08:00

Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes,
Five hundred twenty five thousand moments so dear,
Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes,
how do you measure,
measure a year?
In daylights,
in sunsets,
in midnights and cups of coffee?
In inches,
in miles and laughter and strife?
In five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes,
how do you measure,
a year in the life?

How about love,
how about love,
how about love?
Measure in love-
seasons of love,
seasons of love!

Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes,
Five hundred twenty five thousand journeys to plan,
Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes,
how do you measure the life of a woman or a man?

In truths that she learned,
or tears that he cried,
in bridges he burned or the way that she died?
Its time now to sing out though the story never ends,
let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends!

Remember the love!
Remember the love!
Remember the love!
Measure in love-
Oh you got to you got to remember the love!
You know that love is a gift from up above!
Share love, give love, spread love!
Measure, measure your life in love.

Seasons of love,
Seasons of love,
Measure you life, measure your life in love...

Oh Say What is Truth?

2008-01-14T23:54:00.000-08:00

I had another thought provoking conversation with Luisa recently about the nature of religious truths. We pondered and laughed and I think Luisa even cried a little, and in the end we were both a bit dizzy- you can only philosophize so much before your brain starts aching- but we were able to talk out some interesting ideas. Here is some of what we discussed:

There is a difference between truth and Truth. The first refers to that which a group or an individual person may believe to be veridical, and the second with a capital-T indicates actuality- ideas that are True for all people. The first big question is: How can a person know that some religious truth (Mormonism for example) is Truth? How can we know for sure for sure for sure that the LDS faith is True and that all other faiths may be true, but not True? The answer is that you can’t know for sure (see my previous post “Do you know what I know?). Well if I can’t know for sure, does it matter what religious position I take? I think it does. I think every person should choose that religion which, as William James explains, offers the most “live and momentous” option. That is, each person chooses to have faith in those beliefs which he feels are most probable and spiritual and those which will have the best impact on his life. In LDS theology, this would lead everyone to be a Mormon; but is it really the case that Mormonism is the best religious option for everyone? I don’t think it is. I have met many people who just can’t believe in Mormon doctrine. It doesn’t make sense to them, it doesn’t ring true for them, and some are even repulsed by some of our tenets, even after prayer and honest inquiry. My mother is a perfect example. She has prayed about her faith and sincerely feels that God has told her not to join the LDS church. And I don’t think she’s been deceived at all. I think she would feel out of place in our church and that it would not make her happy. The methodical Mormon way of life and worship, as beneficial and happy as it may be for some people, is not the kind of worship and religion that feels right and rings true to her or to BILLIONS of other people.

So here we are, a human race with countless different ideas about religious truth- all searching for absolute Truth and some claiming that their religion already represents absolute Truth. Millions of people pray to their God and testify to having received their own answer about which doctrines are right and which are wrong, and the answers they receive conflict with the answers that others receive. So who is right? Where is capital-T Truth among the tens of thousands of little-t truths? Maybe- just maybe- it doesn’t matter. Maybe the real Truth is that God is the source of all our varying creeds and doctrines. But God is only one God! He can’t give two opposing revelations! Well maybe God is a lot more open-minded than we are. Maybe he knows us so well that he has inspired thousands of religious ideas to accommodate for our varying personalities- so that we can choose those religious tenets that will best help us to worship, to come to know him, and to learn to love. Isn’t that what the Bible says? “For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself (Galatians 5:14). So maybe finding ultimate religious Truth contained in only one religion is not terribly important because it doesn’t exist. Perhaps our task in life is instead to take faith in that which best helps us to become loving and compassionate people. Maybe it doesn’t matter if you’re gay, if you believe in a non-anthropomorphic deity, or if you pray through the Virgin Mary. We all claim different truths, but perhaps the only real religious Truth that we can really be sure of in this life is the necessity of learning to love and be loved.

Now if you’re a Mormon you probably disagree with me. But just stop and really think about it for a minute- why do you disagree with me? Is it because Mormonism has already made up your mind for you about it? Is it because you have proof that I am wrong? I think that all too often, we Mormons stop thinking for ourselves. Once we have our testimony that the church is true we get to stop asking a lot of questions. We call it faith but the rest of the world calls it indoctrination- believing dogmatically, blindly and with bias. If only we all could doubt for just a moment- open our mind and question things. Are we afraid to be wrong? Are we afraid of change? Are we afraid of being misled? We pick the last of the three questions, but how do we know we haven’t already been misled?

I think the LDS church is wonderful. For so many people it is the balm for religious aching. And I think some people need to feel that security of feeling like they have found the great absolute Truth. But isn’t it possible that God’s plan is more extensive than we believe it to be? When I began my religious quest almost 5 years ago, the first promise I made was to my mother; I promised her that I would never stop searching for Truth (or maybe it was just little-t truth- she didn’t specify). I think I found quite a bit of it in the LDS church, but I don’t think I have found what is wholly true for me nor what is a fullness of Truth with a capital T.

"Come be how you want to"

2008-01-09T12:44:00.000-08:00

I used to be sure that if I started zooming around on a broomstick- if I started disobeying gravity- that I would surely lose all those special spiritual feelings that we talk about so much in the church. But the last two weeks have offered the most spiritual and tender feelings that I have felt in over a year. Of course there’s no proper way to describe it- serenity mixed with joy, resolve and enlightenment is the best I can do. With all the extra time I had on my hands over the break, I had plenty to spare for self-reflecting, praying, deep meditation, and for reading Jonathan Livingston Seagull. At the advice of a good friend’s father, I went back to the beginning- searching for the most basic spiritual answers: Who is God? What is his character? How do I feel the Holy Spirit? What is my purpose? And I got answers! -answers that I believe wholeheartedly to be divinely inspired truths. Maybe one day I will share them. I will say that I am sure that God is leading me along and that He has great plans for me. It all flies in the face of conformity. Some people- well a lot of people- are going to tell me I’m letting go of the rod and following forbidden paths into the fog. I wish you could see me smiling; just beyond the mist, away from the rod, the river and the building, there’s a whole world to be explored with more than just one lonely tree.

"I hope you're happy in the end"

2007-12-31T19:18:00.000-08:00

I've been home for the holidays- it's so nice to be out of Utah for just a moment. I really can't stand living in Mormon central sometimes, but I suppose my attitude is partly to blame. Life's what you make it, after all (oh no- I think I just quoted a Hannah Montana song!). And to be honest, I actually am looking forward to returning to Provo; I've been a little lonely and feeling less than whole.

So, just like I promised myself, I talked to my dad this week about being gay. It went so much better than I had anticipated! First off, I came into the room and he was watching The Sound of Music- I couldn't have asked for a better backdrop for our conversation! I told him how I've been feeling and we talked a little about what may happen in the future. We actually did a lot of laughing and joking- it was just a normal conversation! My favorite part was when he smiled at me and told me that the 3 things that he hoped his children would never turn out to be was gay, Mormon, or drug addicts. 2 out of 3 for me- not bad :) I laughed and told him that's probably why he had me. He said that it's not what he would choose for me, but that I will always have his love and support and that he wants to see me settled and happy with whatever I choose to do. Today we went skiing with my brothers and everything was normal- I'm not acting like anything but myself and he's not treating me any differently. I feel so blessed!

The last three months have changed my life completely- "Who can say if I've been changed for the better? I do believe I have been changed for the better... and because I knew you, I have been changed for good..."
I feel so much more authentic than I used to! "I- I feel so alive- for the very first time, and I think I could fly!" Sorry- sometimes I can't stop the lyrics.

I'm so excited for this year! I feel like God is guiding me into the beginning of a life full of wonderment and happiness.

"I hope you're happy,
now that you're choosing this...
I hope it brings you bliss,
I really hope you get it
and you don't live to regret it-
I hope you're happy in the end-
I hope you're happy my friend...

"So if you care to find me
look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately,
everyone deserves a chance to fly!

"And if I'm flying solo,
at least I'm flying free!
To those who'd ground me,
take a message back from me-
Tell them how I am defying gravity!
I'm flying high defying gravity,
and soon I'll match them in renown!
And nobody in all of Oz,
no wizard that there is or was,
is ever gonna bring me down!"

On the 12th Day of Christmas...

2007-12-25T00:10:00.000-08:00

On the 12th day of Christmas
My true love gave to me:

12 Men a macking

11 Studs a stripping

10 Lords a leaping

9 Boys a bathing

8 Kens a kissing

7 Fairies flying

6 Wicked tickets

5 Gay thumb rings!

4 Fitted shirts

3 Pink pens

2 Starbucks mugs...

(dramatically) And Celine Dion's latest CD!

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope that you've all enjoyed my gay rendition of the 12 days of Christmas. Maybe next year we can throw a huge moho Christmas party and sing it together. A few people have asked me if I really have been receiving these gifts for Christmas- So far I've received 4 out of 12 of the gifts- though not necessarily in the same quantities mentioned in the song. Which 4 out of the 12? ....(smiles deviously)

On the 11th Day of Christmas...

2007-12-24T12:34:00.000-08:00

On the 11th day of Christmas
My true love gave to me:

11 Studs a stripping

10 Lords a leaping

9 Boys a bathing

8 Kens a kissing

7 Fairies flying

6 Wicked tickets

5 Gay thumb rings!

4 Fitted shirts

3 Pink pens

2 Starbucks mugs

And Celine Dion's latest CD!

On the 10th Day of Christmas...

2007-12-23T11:54:00.001-08:00

On the 10th day of Christmas
My true love gave to me:

10 Lords a leaping
(I just couldn't change this one)

9 Boys a bathing

8 Kens a kissing

7 Fairies flying

6 Wicked tickets

5 Gay thumb rings!

4 Fitted shirts

3 Pink pens

2 Starbucks mugs

And Celine Dion's latest CD!

On the 9th Day of Christmas...

2007-12-22T01:51:00.000-08:00

On the 9th day of Christmas
My true love gave to me:

9 Boys a bathing

8 Kens a kissing

7 Fairies flying

6 Wicked tickets

5 Gay thumb rings!

4 Fitted shirts

3 Pink pens

2 Starbucks mugs

And Celine Dion's latest CD!

On the 8th Day of Christmas...

2007-12-21T00:00:00.000-08:00

On the 8th day of Christmas
My true love gave to me:

8 Kens a kissing

7 Fairies flying

6 Wicked tickets

5 Gay thumb rings!

4 Fitted shirts

3 Pink pens

2 Starbucks mugs

And
Celine Dion's
latest CD!

On the 7th Day of Christmas...

2007-12-20T08:04:00.000-08:00

On the 7th day of Christmas
My true love gave to me:

7 Fairies flying

6 Wicked tickets

5 Gay thumb rings!

4 Fitted shirts

3 Pink pens

2 Starbucks mugs

And Celine Dion's latest CD!

On the 6th Day of Christmas...

2007-12-19T00:09:00.000-08:00

On the 6th day of Christmas
My true love gave to me:

6 Wicked tickets

5 Gay thumb rings!

4 Fitted shirts

3 Pink pens

2 Starbucks mugs

And Celine Dion's latest CD!

On the 5th Day of Christmas...

2007-12-18T00:00:00.000-08:00

On the 5th Day of Christmas
My true love gave to me:

5 Gay thumb rings!

4 Fitted shirts

3 Pink pens

2 Starbucks mugs

And Celine Dion's latest CD!

On the 4th Day of Christmas...

2007-12-17T00:00:00.000-08:00

On the 4th day of Christmas
My true love gave to me:

4 Fitted shirts

3 Pink pens

2 Starbucks mugs

And Celine Dion's latest CD!

On the 3rd Day of Christmas...

2007-12-16T00:00:00.000-08:00

On the 3rd day of Christmas
My true love gave to me:

3 Pink pens

2 Starbucks mugs

And Celine Dion's latest CD!

On the 2nd Day of Christmas...

2007-12-15T02:10:00.000-08:00

On the 2nd day of Christmas
My true love gave to me:

Two Starbucks mugs

And Celine Dion's latest CD!

On The 1st Day of Christmas...

2007-12-14T00:00:00.000-08:00

On the 1st day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Celine Dion's latest CD!

God in a Box

2007-12-12T16:23:00.000-08:00

My mind was wandering in my philosophy class a few weeks ago while we were discussing the attributes of God. The following argument popped into my head- feel free to hate it, but these are the kinds of things that I think about on a daily basis.

The Dragon’s Argument Regarding God’s Purpose

1) God’s purpose is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man (by “man” we can assume “humankind”).

2) God is perfect.

3) Since failure implies imperfection, a perfect being never fails to accomplish its purposes.

4) Thus God never fails to accomplish his purposes.

5) Not all humankind will achieve the immortality and eternal life contained in God’s purpose.

6) Thus, either God will fail in his purpose because he is not perfect (2-4 are false), premise 1 is not God’s purpose, or all humankind will somehow achieve immortality and eternal life (5 is false).

Draco’s objections:

a) God is bound by the laws of justice and agency. It is not he who fails, but humankind that fails in achieving eternal life.

b) “Man” does not refer to all humankind, but rather to all righteous people.

The Dragon’s Rebuttal:

Objection (a) is irrelevant; the purpose still belongs to God and so failure to bring to pass said purpose belongs, at least in part, to God.

Objection (b) is false. Purpose implies a desire to accomplish something, so objection (b) argues that God does not desire for all humankind to achieve immortality and eternal life. Further, the scripture does not say “righteous men,” but simply “man.” God loves all of his children equally and equally desires each person’s immortality and eternal life.

Wow- talk about philosophy mingled with scripture! Ever since I joined the LDS church, my mother has told me that she thinks we try to put God in a box by claiming we know more than we can know about the nature of God. Perhaps she is right; perhaps we limit God too much in our thinking which leads to problems and contradictions like the one above. I'm not saying that God is all mysterious and distant- I think He can be very personal and close. But sometimes I wonder if we don't try to put our thoughts into God's head.

Live and Let Live

2007-12-10T15:52:00.000-08:00

"No one of us ought to issue vetoes to the other, nor should we bandy words of abuse. We ought, on the contrary, delicately and profoundly to respect one another's mental freedom: then only shall we bring about the intellectual republic; then only shall we have that spirit of inner tolerance without which all our other tolerance is soulless, and which is empiricism's glory; then only shall we live and let live, in speculative as well as in practical things." -William James

Do You Know What I Know?

2007-12-07T10:20:00.000-08:00

So I posted a pretty long post a few days back about what it means to really “know” something, but I felt like it was too long, too cynical, and too preachy of a post. It now exists only as a draft and it will probably stay that way. But I don’t want to completely abandon this train of thinking, so I’m going to give you the abridged version of The Dragon’s argument concerning knowledge:

Our definition of “knowing” something in the church is different from the universal idea of “knowing” something. Knowing, in the universal sense, implies that one has evidence such that the truth of something is an indefectible certainty. In other words, there can be no doubt whatsoever and there must be undeniable proof. Knowledge is more than just belief or faith.

In the church we say that we “know” a lot of things to be true. In reality, we only believe that we know. Why is that? It is because our evidence for believing things (like the church is the only true church, the Book of Mormon is true, etc.) does not provide undeniable proof. It might be considered strong proof, but one can still doubt the verity of such things. This means we don’t know- we just believe.

But what about a spiritual witness? Doesn’t that provide certain evidence so that we can say that we really know? Spiritual experiences can also be doubted, so they cannot be used as indubitable evidence to claim sure knowledge. Again, they could be classified as strong evidence, but that still only lets us believe with reason- it doesn’t allow us to say that we know.

This is why I really disliked that General Conference talk about knowing that you know that you know. Not only is that confusing, but it is impossible when it comes to spiritual ideas. At best you can believe that you know that you know- but that doesn’t mean that your belief is true.

Then why are we so set on testifying that we know things? I think it’s because we are taught to say that we know and because it can be comforting- even empowering. And apparently it’s not enough to just have faith or believe. It’s almost taboo to say “I believe that…” during a testimony meeting. I had a talk with Luisa about this the other day and I really liked her explanation of things. She said that we come to the point where we believe so strongly that something is true, that the best word we can come up with to describe the feeling is knowing. I mean, come on- who wants to say I believe that I know…? She also pointed out that she thinks it’s refreshing when she hears someone say, “I believe that…” or “I have faith that…” –it sounds honest. I personally think the insistence on using “I know” so copiously in the church manipulates people into thinking that they know things. Maybe this is part of the reason that people (like my parents) think that our church brainwashes people.

Really, how can we say we know truths that the rest of humanity does not know when we, in the church, have created our own definition of knowledge?

Okay- so that was still pretty long, but it’s a big idea.

"One day our generation..."

2007-12-04T17:33:00.000-08:00

I took my dear friend Luisa with me to the Matis’s FHE yesterday and she had a wonderful time. :) Luisa comes from a nuclear LDS family; her father is in the stake presidency, her mother is an amazing do-everything woman, and all of her siblings are active and have been married (or will be getting married quite soon) in the temple. Luisa and I grew up together, and in high school I remember her being one of the most conservative people ever and she was very outspoken about her views. She was the one who invited me to church and to listen to the missionaries. Since then she has been through a few years of college and served a mission, and now I think she’s become more of a moderate, even embracing some liberal ideas.

Luisa was so excited to see people that she knew at the FHE. She hurried over to them laughing and bubbling. :) When they saw her they gave her a look and asked, “Wait, are you…?” She told me later as she was looking around the room, “You know, I don’t know which ones are "family" and which ones aren’t, and it doesn’t really matter. Maybe some people here think I am "family"- I don’t really care!”

I was happy to see that she felt so comfortable in that environment, where I’m sure a lot of Mormons would not. It gives me hope that with time, more and more people will become more understanding of our situation- looking past the “ick-factor” of SSA and reaching out with loving arms.

(I love you Luisa!)

Of the Devil

2007-12-03T10:31:00.000-08:00

I know that my last post was about tolerance, however, there are certain things that are absolutely intolerable. The following is possibly the strongest philosophical argument that I have come up with to date. I want to address one of the most serious sins that Mormons commit- and if you have committed this sin then you automatically lose 100 points. I’m talking about the plague of plagues- that disgusting practice called scrapbooking. What? You think it’s harmless? Oh, oh- you have been deceived! Here is my unshakeable proof to show you how scrapbooking is of the Devil.

1) At least 95 percent of scrapbooking is kitschy (for those who are unfamiliar with this word, it basically connotes tackiness, suckiness, ugliness, doilyness, and granny decorationsness).

2) Scrapbooking is a waste of time. You could be playing with your children, spending time with your family, reading a good book, or alphabetizing your soups; pretty much anything is more productive. Why spend hours on end kitsching up your photo album when you and your posterity will almost never look at it. I see no problem with keeping a regular photo album- it’s nice to look back on happy times- but seriously, is decorating your album going to make the memories any happier. No. If anything it will just kitschify your memories.

3) Scrapbooking is a waste of money. Someone could start a college fund for their child with the amount they spend on scrapbooking.

4) Satan wants us to waste our time, waste our money, our talents, and he likes kitschy things.

5) Therefore, Satan wants you to do scrapbooking (!).

“But people like my scrapbooks!” you might say. They’re just lying to you. When you pull out the scrapbook to show to your poor guests, you think you’re sharing memories with them. But at the same time you’re implicitly saying, “Here, hold this waste-of-time book for a while and look at all the kitschyness.” And if the person is not a scrapbooker, they say, “Okay- wow, this is pretty fancy!” They are really thinking, “Okay- wow, this person sure wasted a lot of time on this kitschy book.” If the person is a fellow scrapbooker, then they’re really thinking, “Oh, I hope my scrapbook is cooler than this one. If it’s not then it’s off to Scrapbook Heaven to load up on ribbons and kitty cat stickers!”

See? Satan likes people to scrapbook. It also causes other people to waste their time. Now I’m not saying that scrapbooking is damnable (though I wouldn’t be surprised if the issue came up in General Conference), but I’m almost positive that all your scrapbooks are going to hell- where they belong! Sorry.

Teach Us Tolerance And Love

2007-11-30T14:20:00.000-08:00

My favorite:

“The qualities most needed are charity and tolerance, not some form of fanatical faith such as is offered to us by the various rampant isms.” -Bertrand Russell

“Arguing is a sure sign of either pride or insecurity.” -Anonymous

“Too often pity is mistaken for charity, when it is really just pride in disguise.” -Anonymous

“Judging is a lonely job in which a man is, as near as may be, an island entire.” -Abe Fortas

“The more arguments you win, the less friends you will have.” -American Proverb

“Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.” -Benjamin Franklin

“There is no suffering which pity will not insult.” -Anonymous

“I believe all Americans who believe in freedom, tolerance and human rights have a responsibility to oppose bigotry and prejudice based on sexual orientation.” -Coretta Scott King

“Don't brood. Get on with living and loving. You don't have forever.” -Anonymous

And my other favorite:

“We must work harder to build mutual respect, an attitude of forbearance, with tolerance one for another regardless of the doctrines and philosophies which we may espouse. Concerning these you and I may disagree. But we can do so with respect and civility” -Gordon B. Hinckley

And one I disagree with:

“But in discussing this topic, we must recognize at the outset that there is a difference between tolerance and tolerate. Your gracious tolerance for an individual does not grant him or her license to do wrong, nor does your tolerance obligate you to tolerate his or her misdeed.” -Russell M. Nelson

I don’t feel like explaining why I don’t agree with this quote right now, especially after I have included the quotes about arguing (and yes, I realize I’m disagreeing with an apostle). Maybe later…

Waking Up

2007-11-28T12:25:00.000-08:00

"The man who has no tincture of philosophy goes through life imprisoned in the prejudices derived from common sense, from the habitual beliefs of his age or his nation, and from convictions which have grown up in his mind without the co-operation or consent of his deliberate reason. To such a man the world tends to become definite, finite, obvious; common objects rouse no questions, and unfamiliar possibilities are contemptuously rejected. Philosophy... is able to suggest many possibilities which enlarge our thoughts and free them from the tyranny of custom... it removes the somewhat arrogant dogmatism of those who have never traveled into the region of liberating doubt, and it keeps alive our sense of wonder by showing familiar things in an unfamiliar aspect." -Bertrand Russell

Just the Weight of the World

2007-11-27T09:05:00.001-08:00

I’ve noticed a peculiar phenomenon in blogolandia. For some reason people comment way more on posts that are negative, attacking, soap boxy, or controversial than on posts about positive, happy, non-confrontational, or agreeable things. This said, I anticipate very meager commenting on this post, unless some people feel like compensating or wish to prove me wrong and leave a comment when they would normally say nothing at all. :)

I really believe in the Atonement of Jesus Christ. This past year has arguably been the best and the worst year of my life. Isn’t it comforting to know that despite all the ups and downs we go through, all the changes, all the extremes- from suicidal throes to top-of-the-mountain happiness- that something remains unshakable and constant? Christ’s love and mercy are always present. One of my favorite scriptural phrases is, “His hand is stretched out still…” Even when it feels like the world is against you, Christ is always routing for you, and that is a very reassuring thought. Even when we stray, Christ doesn’t stop caring and encouraging us to do what is right.

Everything really does point back to that great and last sacrifice.

Only Ice Cream, Never Sundaes

2007-11-22T22:14:00.000-08:00

I drove home this week to spend Thanksgiving with my family. It’s a very long drive, so I had plenty of time to do some serious self reflecting, meditating and praying. I was specifically praying about love- what it is and how it applies to my situation. Love is such a precious and uplifting experience, yet there are so many people that go through life never experiencing what it’s like to fall in love- to give your heart to another person completely and have their heart in return.

I have spent the last year trying to fall in love with girls with no success. I have loved them as friends, but I have not been able to give them my heart. I’ve considered celibacy, but I can’t imagine living deprived of love- that feeling that is supposed to make you more Christ-like and brings real happiness. I understand that there are some within the church, most of them single women, who never have the opportunity to fall in love and get married. It can be argued that if they can manage, so can I. The difference is that I do have the opportunity to fall in love. Man was not meant to be alone, but that is what the church would have me do. Yet as I pray, I again deeply feel that I should not let the chance to fall in love pass me by- even if that means falling in love with another guy. I feel so peaceful about this proposition, though it clearly runs against the grain of orthodoxy. I don’t care; I feel closer to Heavenly Father now than I have for the last year, so I think I'm going to trust my feelings, close my eyes, and leap.

Here’s one of my new favorite quotes about love:

“You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain, lies, hate... It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and... What I'm trying to say… is... I think I love you. Is this love? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no fits. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.” –Yvaine (Claire Danes) Stardust

Thank you clarity

2007-11-19T14:34:00.000-08:00

I got to visit my friend skyhawk and his wonderful wife yesterday evening. I had such a good time with them; we had homemade macaroni and burritos for dinner- it was awesome :) I love it when people behave like themselves and you feel like yourself when you’re around them- definitely one of the measures of true friendship in my book.

As I was driving back to Provo after dinner, I started praying about things- specifically about whether or not what I’m doing is right. I won’t go into the details of the prayer, but as I was listening for the Holy Ghost and contemplating things, I felt such a sincere sense of happiness and peace- and most of all the feeling that everything is going to be okay. It was a wonderful Sunday drive. :)

I’m really looking forward to the break this week. I’m going home for Thanksgiving to spend some time with my family. I mentioned in an earlier post that I have been debating whether or not I should re-come-out to my parents. My mother made it really easy for me last week; she called me and said that she felt like there has been something bothering me that I wasn’t sharing with her. I jumped on the opportunity and let her know what I’ve been feeling and what I’ve been up to lately. She was not surprised at all; in fact she told me that she thought I had been running away from the problem for the past 4 years- that joining the church had been an attempted escape from gayness. She let me know how she felt about living a homosexual lifestyle and expressed her worry for my health (I wouldn’t expect anything less from her :)) and then, most importantly, she told me that I am still the same person in her eyes and that she still expects me home for Christmas, even if that means someday bringing home a boyfriend or husband lol :) It will be fun to go on a date with her this week and continue to talk things out. As for my dad, my mom advised me to wait for a while, and so I will- I don’t want to dampen the holidays for him. So right now I’m thinking the 26^th or 27^th of December. :)

I am immensely grateful this year for so many things. I have been starting each day with a positive attitude lately and it is making a world of difference.

Utopia

2007-11-14T12:45:00.000-08:00

"We'd gather around all in a room, fasten our belts engage in dialogue,
We'd all slow down, rest without guilt not lie without fear, disagree sans judgement,

We would stay and respond and expand and include and allow and forgive and enjoy and evolve and discern and inquire and accept and admit and divulge and open and reach out and speak up

This is utopia, this is my utopia
This is my ideal, my end in sight
Utopia, this is my utopia,
This is my nirvana
My ultimate.

We'd open our arms, we'd all jump in, we'd all coast down into safety nets
We would share and listen and support and welcome, be propelled by passion, not invest in outcomes, we would breathe and be charmed and amused by difference, be gentle and make room for every emotion

We'd provide forums, we'd all speak out, we'd all be heard, we'd all feel seen,
We'd rise post-obstacle more defined more grateful, we would heal be humbled and be unstoppable, we'd hold close and let go and know when to do which, we'd release and disarm and stand up and feel safe

This is utopia, this is my utopia
This is my ideal, my end in sight
Utopia, this is my utopia,
This is my nirvana
My ultimate."

-Alanis Morissette

Happy is what Happens

2007-11-12T17:09:00.000-08:00

It’s been a little more than a month since I started blogging and re-coming out to people. These last few weeks have been some of the most exciting, turbulent, joyful, painful and peaceful times that I can remember- a definite circus of emotions; I couldn’t have hoped for a better welcome into moholandia! Admittedly I’ve made a cannonball dive into the moho pool (some might think of it more as a belly-flop) and my splashing has gotten some people pretty wet as they’ve tried to keep me from drowning, and for this I sincerely apologize. I want to thank Brady, Therapevo Ydata, Calvin, Pan, Kengo, Romulus, and Peter for helping me learn to begin to swim and for enduring my waterworks.

So where do I stand now? Well, I feel really peaceful about where I’m at. I think I’m starting to come to terms with who I am and what life may have in store for me. I’m still not clear on every issue, but at least I don’t feel stagnate anymore.

And where do I stand regarding the Church? If it isn’t obvious yet, I’ve been wavering for a long time. I still find peace in prayer, scripture study, and even attending church- I can’t stop being a spiritual person- that’s just not an option. I still have a firm faith in the Atonement and in Heavenly Father’s perfect love. But I am struggling to believe other things that I thought I knew. But as I said, despite my testimony troubles, I feel happier and more alive and at peace than I have ever felt before.

“The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.” - Galatians 5:22-23

“Wickedness never was happiness.” - Alma 41:10

Under Rug Swept

2007-11-08T08:15:00.000-08:00

I wrote this as a comment on Calvin’s blog not too long ago, and based on what I’ve read on other blogs lately, I think I want to turn it into its own post. I guess I’m a really non-confrontational person; arguing and judging make me really uncomfortable…

Yeah, I hate arguing too- it just makes you tired. So in friendly response to some of the above comments: the reason why sometimes we focus so much on gayness is because it affects our future concerning the highest and most sacred gospel covenant- marriage. Especially here at byu, most everyone my age is focused on relationships and getting married. This all works out fine because it's part of the gospel and people can make dating a spiritual experience, putting Heavenly Father first as they seek out an eternal companion. But for mohos, this is not true. Pursuing our feelings is contrary to the gospel, which makes it difficult to concentrate on relationships and on our gospel progression at the same time. The alternative, of course, is to not pursue any gay relationships, but that doesn't take the focus away from gayness. Marriage is the most important decision that one can make in this life, so deciding whether or not to get married because of ssa still gives gayness a prominent place on the stage. I think that we just need to show the same mercy and patience that Heavenly Father shows in our interactions with those struggling with their testimony because of ssa. What we do about gayness might have eternal consequences (I guess that that "might" just gave me away as one of the struggling ones), so I think we can be justified in talking out our feelings and weighing both sides. This can be tiring, and yes- there is more to life than your sexuality- but sweeping things under the rug doesn't make things better. Still, it's a shame when insightful discussion turns into arguing.

Finally, I apologize if I've ever been argumentative. I ask questions and challenge doctrines because I'm finding out that I don't know all that I thought I knew.

I Don't Trust Myself with Loving You

2007-11-05T05:46:00.000-08:00

I’ve been reading several posts on other moho blogs that address the issue of trying to date girls. Until now, I’ve been shy about sharing my own recent relationship experience, but I think it might be of benefit. Before I start storytelling, however, I want to say that I think the decision to try dating girls isn’t inherently right or wrong; I believe it may be appropriate for some of us, and a bad idea for others. And obviously it’s the only way that one can end up getting married in the temple. I only intend to relate the facts about my personal experience.

So, I got to BYU in January and decided that I needed to try dating girls, despite my SSA. I thought that maybe if I dated, then I could somehow purge my feelings toward other guys. I went on lots of dates with lots of girls, but just couldn’t see myself really pursuing things. And then Wendy came along. We actually had met the first day of school back in January, but we didn’t really get to know each other until spring came and we started spending time together. Let me tell you about Wendy so you’ll understand why I decided to date her in the first place. Wendy is pretty much the perfect girl. She is a return missionary, relief society president, musical, talented, beautiful, genuine, compassionate, funny, deep, spiritual titan. I thought that if there ever was a girl to whom I could feel a real emotional and physical attraction, it would definitely be her. So after a month of going on dates and becoming close friends, we started dating officially. I was excited and hoped against all odds that things would work out.

However, as the weeks progressed into months, my lack of attraction toward her became more and more blaringly obvious. We would kiss and hold hands and I hoped that this would change things; but things got worse. I could tell that she was really becoming invested in the relationship- I met her parents and her siblings and we started spending even more time together. And though I genuinely cared for her (and still do), I felt that I was deceiving her- almost living a double life in feigning attraction. But I was stubborn and wanted so badly for everything to be normal, so we continued dating. Finally, four months into the relationship, I couldn’t handle the mask any longer. I took Wendy for a walk and told her my whole gay story. She was devastated and extremely distraught. She felt like I had led her on and almost used her as an experiment. I can’t say that that’s entirely untrue. Isn’t that just what I did? And yet isn’t that also what the Church would want me to do? Try my very best to make things work? Then why do I feel so horrible about what I did? I really hurt her deeply. The whole time that we were dating I felt like I was being unfair to Wendy and to myself; I personally would never want to marry someone who isn’t madly in love with me- and I think that if I had kept running with the farce, Wendy and I could have ended up getting married. But I just don’t think I could have endured.

Wendy and I are still close friends. I love her but I’m not in love with her. And right now the possibility of ever falling in love with any girl is looking pretty impossible for me. I tried so hard- so hard, but even my best efforts led to failure. I find myself once more in the middle of the Dragon’s field, but I can’t say that this time I’m displeased to be there…

Fighting with a Plastic Sword - Part 2

2007-11-02T16:47:00.000-07:00

Life seems complete; each day you fly with the Dragon and share with him your deepest secrets and desires. But after living in the field for a time, you remember those dreams and ambitions and once again long to discover what lies beyond the field. On a very sad day, you say goodbye to the Dragon, hurt to see the pain and longing in his eyes. You venture into the forest and leave the field behind. But you should have known better. The next morning you wake up once again in the field with the Dragon and you finally comprehend that you will never be able to leave the Dragon’s field. You begin to resent the Dragon, suspecting that somehow he is the one preventing you from leaving. But soon you get tired of feeling angry and confused, so you lapse into depression. You had dreamed your life would be so different from this.

One day you climb a tree at the edge of the field- you just want a break from the Dragon. Surveying the land, you see in the distance the mountains that you had always dreamed of exploring. You ache inside, consigned that you will never achieve that goal. Turning back, you look down on the field and the Dragon. Suddenly a new feeling kindles within- not anger, or sadness, or joy- just acceptance… and maybe even a little bit of resolve. This is home, so you might as well deal with it. Perhaps you will never be able to do all that you had once hoped to accomplish, but you can make the most of what you have. A castle- you always dreamed of living in a huge castle- one with tall towers of bright white stone. As you climb down from your vantage point, you notice a quarry at the far edge of the field. Has that always been there? So you begin construction. The Dragon watches curiously each day as walls, arches, and parapets go up in his field. After some time- a year, or maybe five- your castle is finally complete. You feel so satisfied and cry for joy as you run through the corridors and courtyards of this castle that you had always dreamed of having. You climb to the topmost tower and look down on the field. The Dragon looks up at you from far below; he cannot fit through the castle gate, but this is still his field. On the horizon you can see your mountains. But this time you don’t feel so hopeless. Maybe one day you will be able to reach them after all. Maybe one day…

You can interpret this any way you like, considering that I am only passing it on from my friend at the counseling center. Where are you in the story?

Fighting with a Plastic Sword - Part 1

2007-11-01T08:12:00.000-07:00

Earlier this year- from about January to March- I was making weekly visits to the counseling center here at BYU, hoping to resolve my SSA issues. Unfortunately this was not a very uplifting or encouraging experience for me (I don’t want to discourage anyone from going in to see a counselor- I think for most people it can help a lot!) and so I eventually just pretended that I was all better so that I would have an excuse to stop going. The counselor that I met with, though he often made me feel even more frustrated, at least helped me think more deeply about who I am and where I stand. During the course of our meetings, he shared this story with me about the Dragon. If you’ve met with this counselor before, then you may already be familiar with the story. I’ve embellished in places to further extend the metaphor. So here’s part one…

You are a knight on a quest- out to pursue your greatest dreams and ambitions. Not long into you adventure, after wandering for some time in the woods, you arrive in a field and in the middle of the field is an enormous Dragon. You certainly did not expect him to be there and you pause at the edge of the field, unsure of what course of action would be most prudent. But in your moment of hesitation, the Dragon comes charging across the field, breathing scorching balls of fire and heaving with feral roars. You are not an experienced dragon fighter, so you flee back into the woods. Fortunately, the Dragon does not follow you into the trees and you sit for a moment to catch your breath. Your heart is pounding and you are sweating profusely. Finally you decide that it would be best to go around the field in the shelter of the forest; that Dragon is just too scary. At the end of the day, you’re sure that you’ve made it past the field and that now you’ll be able to focus once more on your adventure. But then, just as evening falls, you suddenly stumble back into the Dragon’s field; and the Dragon, ever vigilant and unsleeping, comes charging at you as before. Horrified, you run away as far as your physical strength will take you. As you collapse onto the forest floor, you wipe tears from your cheeks, cursing yourself for your misguided sense of direction. Weary from the day’s events, you fall asleep, hoping that the Dragon will not creep into your dreams.

In the morning when you awake, you immediately realize that you are not in the forest anymore. Somehow, impossibly, you wake up right in the middle of the field and the Dragon is bearing down on you. You unsheathe your sword and take a few slashes at the Dragon’s scaly hide, but you might as well be fighting with a plastic sword. The Dragon is too strong; you have no choice but to run. And so it goes. Hardly a day passes in your adventure when you do not somehow find yourself back in the field with the Dragon, no matter how far you run or how well you hide. And no matter how hard you fight, you know that your swordsmanship and well crafted blade will never be enough to kill him.

Soon your quest seems futile- you begin to lose hope of ever achieving your dreams and wonder if there is any point in living. After some time- weeks or maybe years- on a particularly rainy day you find yourself yet again in the field with the Dragon. He comes charging as always, but this time you don’t care anymore. You let your sword fall to the ground and you collapse to your knees, prepared to succumb to whatever fate the Dragon will bring. The Dragon hovers over you and you look up to face your enemy.

But surprisingly, the Dragon seems to have compassion in his eyes. He gently wraps his tail around you and raises you into the air, placing you gently on his back. Exhilaration replaces your fear as the Dragon springs into the air and you fly high over the field together- you and the Dragon. Life has never been more exciting and fulfilling- surely this is pure joy! After some time, the Dragon sets you down in the soft grass in the field and covers you with his wing as you drift off to sleep…

The Parental Debate

2007-10-29T11:02:00.000-07:00

Four years ago I came out to my parents. They already suspected that I was gay, but it was still a bombshell for them. What hurt them the most, however, was the fact that I had confided in my friends and sought their advice and even the advice of some of their parents before I had trusted my parents with my dilemma. They were absolutely heartbroken and I still think my mom gets upset about it, even though it was so long ago.

After I joined the church I stopped talking with my parents about being gay and they didn’t bother to bring up the issue- not until my mom asked me about it a year ago when I got home from the mission. I snapped at her and told her I never wanted to talk about it again; she cried and I left the room. I’m sure that my parents still wonder about me. And now that I’m coming out again- even if I’m only peeking out of the closet- I wonder if I should go to them for advice and comfort. Even though they were disappointed when I came out in high school, they were so compassionate! They both wasted no time in telling me that they loved me just the same and only wanted to see me happy. I love them so much!! Oh man, I’m crying as I’m typing. Well, I could go on forever about how wonderful they are, but I’ll cut to the chase. I don’t know whether it would be wise for me to talk to them again. Have I already made the same mistake I made in high school- talking to my friends before I seek guidance from my parents- cutting my comfort off? But since my parents (and none of my extended family) are members of the church, I don’t want my homosexuality to somehow get in the way of the possibility of them joining the church in the future. I mean, they already have a hard enough time dealing with me being the black sheep Mormon of the family- my mom cries every time I talk about the temple or getting married because she can’t come. I definitely need to keep praying for guidance, but maybe one of you can be an inspired messenger- any suggestions?

Healing Waters

2007-10-26T10:28:00.000-07:00

After all these apostate, speculative, and maybe even blasphemous-sounding posts, I think it might be appropriate to share my spiritual side. Yes, I do consider myself to be a spiritual person. I sincerely appreciate all the feedback that I’ve received thus far concerning my unorthodox propositions. If I ever post something that you think is completely ridiculous, feel free to voice yourself. :)

I deeply feel that there exists a divine reality outside the realms of natural human understanding and reasoning. I know that I have had multiple experiences in which I have felt that I have connected with this divine reality. I’ve not only felt peace and reassurance, but a soul-moving anticipation of the glorious existence that waits for us beyond mortality. Paul calls it the “earnest of the spirit” –a sort of foretaste of the superior and infinite joy of Heavenly Father’s kingdom. I really can’t express very well in words the nature of these feelings, so I’ve collected a few scriptures and quotes that best convey how I feel the Spirit:

“Now, we will compare the word unto a seed. Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to swell within your breasts; and when you feel these swelling motions, ye will begin to say within yourselves—It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me.” -Alma 32:28

Oh My Father
For a wise and glorious purpose

Thou hast placed me here on earth,

And withheld the recollection

Of my former friends and birth.

Yet ofttimes a secret something

Whispered, "You're a stranger here."

And I felt that I had wandered

From a more exalted sphere.

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world" -C.S. Lewis

And here’s me reprimanding myself:
“Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Be not wise in thine own eyes…” –Proverbs 3:5-7

So now you've seen both sides. It really is an inner battle that I'm going through right now and there's no easy way out. The Lord says that he speaks to us through our mind and heart, but my thoughts and feelings are so muddled lately that I'm not sure what to trust anymore. I thought I knew myself, but some days I feel like a stranger in my own skin. Who the heck am I? Every time I think I know, life seems to throw me another loop- it's just one big vicious cycle of identity confusion. Les Mis keeps popping into my head-

"Who am I? Can I conceal myself for evermore?

Pretend I'm not the man I was before?

And must my name until I die

Be no more than an alibi? Must I lie?

How can I ever face my fellow men?

How can I ever face myself again?

My soul belongs to God, I know

I made that bargain long ago

He gave me hope when hope was gone

He gave me strength to journey on.

Who am I? Who am I?"

"I had a dream my life would be... so different now from what it seemed!

Now life has killed the dream I dreamed."

Playing with Fire

2007-10-24T10:30:00.000-07:00

I told you that the Dragon would be back. Here he is making his stand against spiritual experience:

The Dragon: “How can you claim to know that what you believe is true?”
Draco: “The primary way (or at least the method most emphasized in the church) to know between good and bad or truth and falsehood is through a feeling/thought of reassurance or peace.”
The Dragon: “And how can you rely on these thoughts and feelings?”
Draco: “I can rely on them because they come from God through the Holy Ghost and because Satan cannot falsify these feelings.”
The Dragon: “But how can you be sure that this peace comes from God and that some evil source is unable to imitate them?”
Draco: “Well, the scriptures teach us this principle in several places: Moroni 7 and 10, Ephesians 5:22, and D&C 50 to name a few.
The Dragon: “That’s all very well, but how can we be sure that what the scriptures are teaching is true?”
Draco: pauses to think “We can know that the scriptures are true by praying about them and receiving a confirmation from the Holy Ghost.”
The Dragon: “But look- you’ve already fallen into circular reasoning. Your argument is invalid; you say that you know but in reality you only believe and call it knowing. Your sense of knowledge of religious truths is an illusion.”

In case you missed The Dragon’s criticism, here’s another example:
Some one gets up in sacrament meeting and says (like so many of us members say), “I know by the power of the Holy Ghost that the church is true.” When he says “by the power of the Holy Ghost” he of course means that he has felt some spiritual feeling or divine assurance. So we could ask this person how he can trust that what the “power of the spirit” supposedly reveals to him is true. Here, some people will get confused and say something banal like, “I just know” and feel appeased in their minds that this is a sufficient answer. With some prodding, however, most will eventually say “because the scriptures [or some other authority] says so” or “because that’s the way God speaks to us.” Then we can ask him how he knows that the scriptures or the prophet is telling the truth or how he knows that this is God’s manner of communication. He is forced to, unless he can provide outward empirical evidence (which, according to church doctrine, has a lesser value that inward spiritual evidence), use his first premise as his conclusion- “by the power of the Holy Ghost.” If a testimony is based on personal spiritual experiences, one can never arrive at knowing with surety- he can only claim a firm belief. The Dragon would also say that people want to know the truth so badly, that they find ways to assign truth to any set of beliefs. They contrive and interpret their feelings to mean that they have found truth so that they can find reassurance in knowing- in being right. After all, who likes to live in doubt? But let’s get back to the dialogue:

The Dragon: “You said that Satan cannot falsify feelings of the Holy Ghost, correct?”
Draco: “There are certain feelings that Satan cannot imitate- they come only from God.”
The Dragon: “Then what is ‘carnal security’ and what is ‘false hope’? Are not these falsifications of the peace and assurance to which you cling? If a force in opposition to God can provide imitations of feelings, then how can we trust our feelings alone to confirm truth? I might feel peaceful about pursuing a homosexual lifestyle and have hope in my future with that pursuit. How can God expect me to recognize the difference?”
Draco: “Well, the scriptures and the leaders of the church teach us how to distinguish between the two.”
The Dragon: “Ah, but how can you trust these authorities? Once more you have wrapped yourself in a circle. All that you have done is to choose to believe what you want to believe and put faith in those beliefs. It is comforting to say- empowering for you to say- that you have reasons to believe, that is, your feelings and your authoritative sources. But these reasons are only parts of circular reasoning which can never prove any truths. The only reason you favor one religion over another- or over atheism for that matter- is because you want to believe it. You have faith, but you cannot obtain knowledge in the manner which you have explained. There is no escaping your circle. Your “testimony” is simply a list of things that you have chosen to believe, but you do not know them.
Draco: “If that’s true, then why do so many people say that they know just as I do?”
The Dragon: “There is safety in numbers. It is much easier to convince yourself that some religious principle is truth if many others ascribe to it. But they only know from their own personal spiritual experiences which I have already shown to be inadequate for proving truths. Their knowledge is also illusory. A tomato will never be a vegetable no matter how many times people call it a vegetable.”

Perhaps people will say that I shouldn’t meddle into these kinds of questions- that I’m setting myself up for apostasy and reasoning my way out of truth, or maybe placing my reason above God’s wisdom. So then am I supposed to be satisfied with doubt? Or what if what we call “God’s wisdom” only consists of the ideas that we assign to him based on what we think we know, while his real wisdom lies outside our orthodox sphere of ideas. Based on the Dragon’s argument, all I can do is to choose to have faith or not to have faith (or at least to have faith in other doctrines) depending on what I want to believe. I can contrive or interpret my spiritual experiences to point me either way.

I realize that thus far I have been fairly one-sided in my blogging, so maybe next time I’ll flip things around so that I’m looking at all these issues objectively. After all, objective reasoning was part of what led me to baptism in the first place (the other part was obviously faith).

“To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible.” -Thomas Aquinas

Defying Gravity

2007-10-22T12:32:00.000-07:00

I pretty much live and breathe music. Just like writing, music can serve as an escape for me- but more than that, I feel like it makes life thicker and more complete- like ice cream with your cake or something like that. I love when the lyrics play to my immediate experience. This can make each emotion seem more poignant and precious. So in behalf of all the amazing experiences I’ve had lately, here’s Celine Dion:

“So suddenly, so strange,
life wakes you up, things change.
I've done my best, I've served my call,
I thought I had it all.
So suddenly, so strong
My prejudice was gone
You needed me, I found my place

I'm there for now, these days”

In the two short weeks since I have jumped on board the moho train, I feel almost as though I’ve stepped into someone else’s life. And it’s not a bad thing! –because that someone has actually been me all along- the raw, honest, mask free me. I owe a huge thank you to Brady, Gimple, and Narcissus/Hans Olo, and Calvin for helping me find my footings- you guys are the best! And it’s been awesome meeting more and more of the family as I launch this uncharted course. Sorry if I seem shy at first; that’s just how I am sometimes. All in all, I am so excited about life right now, even though I am not sure where I will end up when the dye is cast. Take it away Elphie!

“And this gift or this curse I have inside-
Maybe at last I’ll know why…”

“I’m through accepting limits ‘cause someone says they’re so.
Some things I cannot change, but ‘til I try I’ll never know.
Too long I’ve been afraid of losing love I guess I’ve lost,
Well if that’s love, it comes at much too high a cost!
I’d sooner buy defying gravity!
Kiss me goodbye- I’m defying gravity,
And you can’t pull me down!”

And with the last word, it’s Julie Andrews:

“What will this day be like… I wonder?
What will my future bring… I wonder?”

Say When

2007-10-19T00:49:00.000-07:00

So is there any way that homosexuality could ever be acceptable? I can just picture what would happen if all of the sudden the first presidency announced that being gay is a legitimate lifestyle. I’m pretty sure that I would be happy camper. But maybe I’m on to something. Haven’t there been other cases in which at one point certain practices were acceptable- even ordained by God, but later the policy changed? What about polygamy? Certainly the majority of Christians outside the church consider our doctrine of plural marriage to be repulsive and damnable. Even some members within the church have a hard time agreeing with the idea of multiple wives. We know that polygamy has been okay at certain times in the past- Abraham and Jacob from the OT, for example, and of course it played a significant role in the earlier years of this dispensation with Joseph Smith and other church leaders. Church doctrine even suggests that plural marriage/companionship will exist in the celestial kingdom. And yet, at other times (like right now), polygamy is a hideous sin that merits excommunication. In the Book of Mormon, Jacob condemns the practice. So we know that it is possible for a lifestyle to be acceptable and good at one point, and disobedient and sinful at another, depending on the will of Heavenly Father.

Now what prevents homosexuality from qualifying as a similar situation? Granted, I can’t find any scripture that would support this- only scriptures that call homosexuality an “unnatural affection” and a terrible sin. But remember that polygamy is also condemned in various scriptures, so perhaps we can’t assume that homosexuality is always bad. We can also recall scriptural instances in which things like “smiting” and murder are acceptable. What if homosexuality is actually okay at the right time? Perhaps the general authorities speak out against it because it is only not acceptable right now. Why would this ever be the case? Maybe it can compared it to blacks receiving the priesthood. This was something which, for a very long time, the church did not permit. Why? The only doctrinal reason provided by the church is that God said so, but a deeper explanation might be that, culturally or socially, it was prudent to deny this privilege. Perhaps Heavenly Father knew that, had the policy been altered earlier, the church would have lost members who harbored feelings of racism- more members than the church would have gained from the policy change. And there’s no denying how many members felt- have you ever read what Joseph Fielding Smith and Bruce R. McConckie said about blacks? Another way of saying it, suggested by biggins in a comment to a previous post, is that God always approved of blacks receiving the priesthood, but that human fallibility or racism prevented change. Either perspective can play into the rest of this argument.

Obviously God, being an all-loving parent, wants to save as many of his children as possible; so perhaps He had to wait for the proper social circumstances to arise before blacks could be given the priesthood. What if homosexuality is the same? Couldn’t it be that society- that the general membership of the church- is simply not ready to accept it? How many members would leave the church if gay marriage suddenly became a legitimate covenant? I think the answer is: too many for things to change right now. So maybe I should support politicians who endorse gay marriage so that society begins to change. But then again, it’s hard to imagine millions of homophobic people and the children that they raise with the same prejudices changing their minds about this issue. I guess I can still hope that things will be different in the next life.

I wonder- If I ever make it to the highest degree of the celestial kingdom, will I be able to make worlds where homosexuality is the norm and heterosexuality is a horrible sin? I sure hope so.

Meet The Dragon

2007-10-15T10:49:00.000-07:00

As a missionary, I was pretty much as “flecha” as they come. That’s Spanish for “arrow” –it means that you’re really a stick-to-the-books, no nonsense, sometimes-bordering-on-overbearing kind of a missionary. I was so sure of my testimony and what I taught, and sure that people needed to know what I knew.

In the mission you hear questions like, “Why does it matter what church I go to? All of them teach you to be good...” or “Why should I go to your church? God already led me to a different one.” These questions come up all the time and you eventually find out the best ways to answer them; “Well Christ only organized one church when He was here, so there should only be one true church today…” or “God always conducts the church through a prophet…” and a number of other responses which help people understand our claim of absolute truth. Sometimes investigators or hecklers present more challenging questions and doubts, but truth be told none of them were faith-shaking or scary for me. I was confident in my testimony and knowledge of the truthfulness of the gospel and in my ability to defend our doctrines.

But now that I’m back at school and studying philosophy, I regularly have to deal with questions that can be pretty frightening if you really think about them. I feel like most people in my classes have blinders on; they either shrug away the questions with a quick answer or insist that asking such questions is a waste of time or dangerous because they lead people into apostasy. Orwell was right: Ignorance is Bliss (sorry- that was a little bit cynical). If I want to keep and fortify my testimony, I have to find answers to these questions because they are sources of doubt; I see no element of faith in dismissal. Isn’t the most repeated message in the scriptures “seek and ye shall find?” So by now you’re probably wondering of what kind of wild questions I could possibly be thinking. Well they’re not simple questions, so I’ll throw out just one for now. If you’ve ever read Plato, Aristotle, or a number of other philosophers, then you’ve probably seen the dialogue format of presenting an argument. I think I’ll try that here so you can see that this is a real battle that goes on within me. Let me introduce you to the Dragon:

The Dragon: “If most religions help people to be better and to feel closer to God, does it matter what faith a person follows?”
Draco: “He should seek out and follow the religion that teaches only true doctrines. This is the best religion.”
The Dragon: “How can he know that the doctrines of any given religion are true?”
Draco: “He must rely on spiritual experiences.”
The Dragon: “You mean miracles?”
Draco: “Not in the usual sense of the word. I mean that he must pray and receive an answer from God as a feeling or reassurance.”
The Dragon: “I see. So “God,” or perhaps more appropriately “some divine source,” since not all religions believe in your idea of “God,” should tell me what religion I should follow.
Draco: “Precisely”
The Dragon: “And He will tell me that I should follow what you call the best religion, or that religion that teaches only true ideas.”
Draco: “Yes.”
The Dragon: “And does He always give the same answer?”
Draco: “He is one God and thus has only one truth- so yes, He will always guide people to the best religion.”
The Dragon: “But there are millions of Christians belonging to sects that claim opposing truths. And there are millions of people belonging to other religions- Buddhists, Muslims and Jews. All of these millions of people profess and are sure that they have had equally confirming spiritual experiences that justify their faith over other beliefs. So if millions- many more millions than those belonging to your church- assert that they know that their religion is the best religion, how can we be sure that your spiritual experiences are more valid and truth proving? Perhaps there are just as many millions of people who have had spiritual experiences specifically guiding them away from your church as those who have been led inside.”
Draco: “Then their experiences were false or inspired of evil sources, because this church is the only one that contains a fullness of truth.
The Dragon: “How do you know? Perhaps it is you who have had false or evilly inspired experiences.”
Draco: “But I know that what I believe is true!”
The Dragon: “Prove it.”

Man, that Dragon is tricky! I’m sorry to say you’ll probably be hearing more from him in the future. This argument is inspired by Hume and William James, just fyi- not that you probably care. I just didn’t want to take credit for someone else’s idea.

And Then There Were 6...

2007-10-13T10:53:00.001-07:00

I realize that I have done a lot of posting this week- I guess I've just had a lot on my mind. Now I think I'd like to put down a little bit of my history so you know what I mean when I say that I'm coming out for the second time. Midway through my senior year in high school, I finally gathered the courage to tell my friends and family what I had known for quite a long time. I started by telling my most liberal friends, which was the easiest and most reassuring. Then when I felt like I had enough moral support, I came out to my parents- my mom first and then my dad. They were pretty devastated. I had always grown up being taught that homosexuality was a horrible thing, which I think is true for a lot of children in Christian families. My family, though not LDS, are very religious and morally driven people. So once my parents knew, I started being less careful about who found out that I was gay. And of course, like all juicy news in high school, the word about me spread furiously. I was pretty well known at my high school since I was involved in choir, band, drama, and leadership activities, so even a lot of the underclassmen could enjoy the rumor. Unfortunately my younger brother, who was a freshman at the time, found out from someone else before I could tell him myself. He confronted me about it one day on the way to school- I remember him telling me that he thought it was gross, but at the same time he let me know that he was still my brother and that he loved me. That whole year and for much of his sophomore year as well, he had to endure a lot of teasing from classmates about me being gay. I still feel guilty about what I put him through, but love him so much for how he handled it. My mom told me that he always stuck up for me and would just tell people to shut-up if they said anything derogatory. What a stud!

Anyhow, I was out and excited about my new prospects; I was looking forward to going to college and dating guys. And then just when I thought that my world had already been turned upside down, Luisa and another dear friend of mine, Skyhawk, invited me to listen to the missionaries and go to church with them. You see, while I had been coming out I had also been going through a religious crisis. I wasn’t sure if I even believed in God anymore, but I wanted to find answers and to know how my homosexuality could fit into my spiritual beliefs. I admit it, I used to be kind of anti-Mormon- at least doctrinally anyway. Many of my good friends were Mormon, but I had always thought that they were kind of loony. So against all odds I ended up joining the Church about 8 months after I had come out (I’ll save the details for another time- it’s a very long and complicated story). A month after I was baptized I went to college where no one knew about me being gay. I just started over and decided not to talk to anyone about it ever again. My parents assumed that the gay thing had just been a “phase.” This was just over four years ago.

You can imagine that I was worried when I started my mission a year after having joined the church. I mean, 24 hours a day with other guys for two years straight? And I have to sleep in the same room and see them undress and act like it’s not awkward for me? But Heavenly Father really blessed me and my temptations during the mission were limited- it was like my sexuality was turned off so that I could focus on missionary work. I finished the mission sure that when I started school again, especially now that I had transferred to BYU, I would have no trouble dating girls and getting married within a year. Exactly one year ago today, I was released as a missionary- and here I am.

It didn’t take me long after I had come home to realize that my attractions toward guys had not gone away, as much as I wanted to deny this. But I was determined to make things work, so I started going on dates with girls when I got here in January, and in June I started dating a girl seriously. We just broke up last weekend, which is another story and one that I’m not sure I want to post. In short, it was a pretty painful event- I told her about my SSA and everything. Having a relationship with a girl, rather than suppressing my homosexual feelings, has only made them more obvious until they have become something which I cannot not keep to myself any longer. I am tired of hiding and lying and faking, so for the past few weeks I’ve been telling (and in some cases retelling) some of my closest friends about my dilemma. Apart from meeting moho family and family friends, I talked to Luisa, who had known about my SSA in high school and has been so patient and loving- she is my voice of reason when I am feeling confused. I also told another dear friend, Falula, with whom I have been the best of friends since I started college. She is a fellow convert and a true light and joy in my life. I don’t know where I would be without her! Then of course I talked to my late-girlfriend- I guess I’ll call her Wendy- and I’m still not sure how that’s going to turn out. Needless to say, after four months of dating, it was a huge blow for her. I also came out to a couple of my mission buddies- Ricky, who was one of my favorite companions, and Tito, who was never technically my companion, but we were just as close as companions. Today- oh, in about an hour or so, I’m going to lunch with another favorite mission companion, Ken, and I think he’ll be the last person I come out to for now. And I guess that makes six- six people outside the moho world to keep tabs on me- to help me be sure that whatever ends up happening, I’ll have plenty of support. So to Luisa, Falula, Wendy, Ricky, Tito, and Ken- thank you for being understanding about something that a lot of people can’t handle, and thank you for being so caring. I love you all!

Patriarchal Blessings, Hawaiian Food, and Being Naughty

2007-10-12T13:13:00.000-07:00

So I was having a sort of philosophical conversation with one of my dearest friends (I’ll call her Luisa) the other day and we started talking about our patriarchal blessings. She had been encouraging me to read mine to look for guidance and strength to deal with my moho issues. Just for background info- Luisa and I have been the best of friends since 6th grade. She was the one who was my primary connection to the church growing up. Midway through our senior year, she invited me to listen to the missionaries (I don’t remember if this was before or after I had come out) and she’s always been one of my greatest sources of inspiration and encouragement. Really, she's the bomb.com.

So I told Luisa about what had happened when I received my patriarchal blessing four years ago. I had only been a member for three months, but I already kind of knew what this business was about. I knew that I would find out about my tribe, my preparation for the priesthood and a mission, and of course about marriage and eternal companionship. So my patriarch proceeded to give me a very lengthy blessing- declaration of my tribe… check. Council concerning my preparations for the priesthood and a mission… check. And marriage… marriage… marriage? After the patriarch had been giving the blessing for a while and I knew that he had to be finishing up soon, he still hadn’t mentioned marriage or kids or eternal increase or anything like that. I was a little bit worried. Then he started what I knew had to be the finishing-up of the blessing! Oh no! Then he stopped abruptly and after a moment, awkwardly added in that I would find a companion at the right time. And then he finished. So thinking back and rereading my blessing, I wonder if this promise of companionship is meant for this life or the next. I also pointed out to Luisa, half joking- half not joking, that the blessing never says “you will have a wife” or that I will “take a girl to the temple.” No- it just says “companion.”

So yesterday I met Brady and Gimple- my first moho friends! We just had dinner together at the Bamboo Hut (which is not an Asian restuarant :P) and it was awesome. Seriously, I can't remember when I've felt more like myself. I think that this is exactly what I need- I mean, I've kept everything bottled up ever since I joined the church- pretending, denying, and lying to myself about what I feel. I've been an emotional wreck since I came to Provo in January, but now I feel like things are looking up :)

And as for being naughty- I have a class with Luisa, and as I was settling into my desk before class started, she said, "Oh! You got a haircut!" This was an inaccurate observation; I just styled my hair a little differently today. But then she said, "Oh, well it goes really well with your unshaven face!" Then she told me, like, 10 times before class was over that I was breaking the honor code. I made the excuse that I didn't have time this morning- or yesterday morning- or the day before that.... okay- fine. I really don't like shaving. And I really don't like being a conformist (which sometimes makes being LDS pretty difficult) so maybe I don't always take the grooming standards of the honor code to heart. I'm actually lucky that I haven't had a professor say anything to me about it yet. I guess I just don't have a testimony about not having facial hair. Sometimes I miss my days in Seattle when I would wear pajama pants every day to school- even to my institute classes- and I didn't have to worry about sideways glances. So that's my rebellious side. I guess what I'm really trying to say is- Luisa, you know you love facial hair.

Signs and Confessions

2007-10-10T16:22:00.000-07:00

Now that you know a little bit of what’s going on inside my head (and trust me, there is more to come), I guess I’ll share a little bit about myself.

So as I’ve been coming out to some of my close friends recently, I’ve been wondering if they kind of knew all along. After all, I kind of fit the stereotypical mold of gayness- but maybe I’ve been good at hiding it? I made a list this morning during one of my classes of things that might appear, well, pretty gay to other people. So this is a chance for me to be proud of these things instead of feeling embarrassed about who I am. Especially for those of you who know me, I hope you’ll get a laugh out of this.

-I love shopping, unless it’s at someplace like Home Depot
-I have gone shopping just to buy chap-stick
-I have all the songs from Wicked memorized- “Don’t wish, don’t start- wishing only wounds the heart… he could be that boy, but I’m not that girl.”
-The ring tone on my cell phone is from Wicked.
-I like to sing along with Celine Dion- in the same octave. I also have Madonna, N’Sync, BSB, Britney, Christina, Alanis, Hanson, Jewel, Amy Grant, Darren Hayes, Jesse McCartney, Justin, Mariah, and everything Broadway on my i-pod. Is that bad?
-I have taken ballet and I liked wearing tights. Yes, I liked it!
-I pluck my eyebrows.
-The hairspray that I’m using right now is called “Herbal Essences- White Nectarine and Pink Coral Flower. Oh man, it smells so good!
-Speaking of hairspray- definitely the hottest movie of the summer!
-I’ve colored my hair 5 times this year- in fact, I think I’m due for number 6 pretty quick here…
-I don’t like watching sports. Except during the Olympics when they show the men’s diving and swimming… yep.
-I have softer hands than most girls and even some babies.
-When I went home for summer break, I spent a whole day watching a marathon on Bravo of America’s Top Designer- such a great show, but I was kind of bummed when the cute guy got kicked off- I guess he had it coming; his clothes were too gay.
-This is one of my favorite backgrounds that I put on my desktop -->
-I like using those mud facial masks.
-My handwriting is “really pretty.” Seriously, I’ve made girls jealous.
-One of my favorite movies is The Matthew Shepard Story. Another one is The Little Mermaid.
-I used to wear a thumb ring.
-I have a crush on Matt Damon, Sean Austin, and (sigh) Zac Efron.

And actually the signs go all the way back to fourth grade-
-I had a bright purple coat.
-I had Lisa Frank folders for my homework- the jumping dolphins were so cute!
-All the girls used to play wall ball at recess and no boys were allowed. They gave me the nickname “Frutia” so that I could play with them. I remember my mom was really concerned when she heard this, but she just didn’t understand- I mean it was just a nickname…
-And by 6th or 7th grade I was sure that I didn’t like girls like the other boys did- but all the boys started looking pretty attractive. By the time I started my freshman year in high school, I knew that I was (gulp) gay.

I’m sure I could add to this list; it was far too easy to make. So now you know some of my gay little secrets and tendencies. You know, I usually get offended (despite Elder Bednar’s council) when people call things “gay” or “homo.” But maybe we’re partly to blame, you know? After all, we’re the ones who make all of these “gay” things seem gay. I guess as long as it’s not used derogatorily, I can keep my cool if someone calls some hot new song or some smokin’ piece of clothing “gay.” Yeah, I think that’s a dandy way of handling things. (Man, that last sentence was gay!)

Homosexuality in Heaven?

2007-10-09T00:34:00.001-07:00

Okay, so I think it’s natural for me to hope that homosexual companionship exists in heaven because this is a union of two things that I really want. Unfortunately for me, the majority of Christians and probably an even larger majority of latter-day saints think that this idea is blasphemous; it’s all in the scriptures- I mean just look at what happened to Sodom and Gomorra! On the flip side, I am free to believe whatever I want about heavenly homosexuality- as long as I don’t go preaching it as doctrine. This fact has led me to wonder if there is even the remotest possibility of having another guy as an eternal companion. So this is what I’ve come up with- perhaps it’s a laughable theory, but then again, aren’t there a lot of religious ideas that we have as Mormons that are subject to scoffing and ridicule?

Men are that they might have joy, right? So does a homosexual relationship provide real joy or just passing pleasure like any common sin? I think that if I were to marry another guy, I would be sincerely happy. Of course there would be the physical satisfaction, but the relationship would go so much deeper than that. It would entail trust, comfort, generosity, kindness, caring, and real joy. It would not just be the passing pleasure or perceived happiness that comes from things like alcohol, drugs, fornication, or pornography- not that I am familiar with those things. No, I want a relationship full of charity, patience, and peace. So if a committed homosexual marriage would bring me joy, why is it forbidden? Or do I just imagine that it would bring me lasting joy, when in reality the relationship would end at death and I would end up in hell, which doesn’t sound like a very joyous place at all. It’s clear that real joy- the kind that the scriptures talk about- is spiritual and not temporal.

Then maybe I need to ask whether or not my homosexual attractions are a result of my mortal body, or if they are part of my spirit. If attraction comes only as a result of having an imperfect body, then my argument isn’t that great. But we have spirits inside of us, and can’t one spirit or intelligence be attracted to another? I certainly think so. Two people do not get married (or at least they shouldn’t get married) based on mere physical attraction. No, the heavier weight should be given to spiritual attraction- attraction to who the person is, not their appearance. And I’m not just talking about the personality attraction between two friends; I’m implying love- romantic, spiritual, deep love. Doctrine and Covenants teaches us that our intelligences are eternal and were not created. So if I can spiritually be drawn to other guys, it’s logical to say that this tendency has always been a part of who I am and will continue to be an inherent trait into the eternities. If this is true, then why would a loving Heavenly Father not have accommodations in his plan for spirits like mine? I already am seeing some holes in the argument- maybe I’ll flesh it out later, but you get the idea.

Paradoxical Ponderings

2007-10-08T00:26:00.000-07:00

I love philosophy. I love to wonder about things- to seek light and truth. I guess this whole blogging thing is just a way for me to express the thoughts and events that I don't usually share with my friends and family because, well, they're all either not gay or not Mormon. It's so frustrating to not have anyone who really understands you- at least anyone who is not deity. Lately I've been pondering and praying about how homosexuality makes any sense at all. Why would God allow this to happen to me? I know that's a pretty trite question which has an equally trite answer: to try me, to humble me, to help me grow. Of course I agree with these answers, but somehow, there still seems to be something that doesn't fit. I guess the question that follows is whether or not God gave me this burden. At the very least, he allows it to persist.

According to church doctrine, the feelings of attraction that I have are not sinful because I cannot control them, but it is bad to act on them in any way. Homosexuality is kind of unique in that way- a sin which only becomes a sin in action, but not in thought. Compare this to lust (which goes beyond feelings of attraction). One begins to sin with thoughts which lead to sinful actions. And what about anger? Angry thoughts can be just as sinful as the words and actions often born of those same thoughts. Stealing has its seeds in covetous thoughts, which are obviously sinful.

"A man does not come to the almshouse or the jail by the tyranny or fate of circumstance, but by the pathway of groveling thoughts and base desires." -James Allan

So all these sins have roots in sinful thoughts. But homosexuality is different. There is nothing wrong with me feeling attracted (not lusting) toward another guy. These thoughts are not sinful. However, as soon as I act on them in any way- kissing for example, which is a perfectly acceptable effect of heterosexual attraction, then I have sinned, according to LDS doctrine. Why is that? Why would Heavenly Father allow me to have non-sinful thoughts and feelings that promote sinful behavior? Some would say, "Well, we're all tempted; there's no sin in temptation. I can be tempted to steal, but as long as I repress the thought and make room for good thoughts, then the initial thought of stealing is not a sin." But homosexual attractions aren't passing thoughts that go away if you hum your favorite hymn. I don't think anyone can say that they have the temptation to steal, or commit murder, or have sex at every minute of every day. But I AM attracted to guys all the time- it is not the same. "Oh yes it is- it's just a temptation that you have to resist." No- there is a difference between temptation and attraction. I can resist, avoid, and even eliminate temptation ("It is our own desires which determine the sizing and the attractiveness of various temptations." -Neal A. Maxwell), but I cannot eliminate an attraction. If you're heterosexual, try it. Just stop being attracted to the opposite sex. Unless you're some freak of nature, you can't.

Let me add one more twist to my question. There are only worthy and unworthy thoughts and feelings- no in-between thoughts or feelings. Either a thought or feeling impedes my personal worthiness, or it is acceptable and does not impede my worthiness. Certainly some worthy thoughts and feelings are better than others, (it is more uplifting to think about God's love than which brand of cereal to purchase) yet they all fall into the same category of worthy thoughts. Think of it this way: having pondered about cereal brands one minute will not impede me from giving a priesthood blessing the next. Now, as I already mentioned, homosexual attraction (which could be a thought or a feeling or both), as defined by general authorities, is not something that causes personal unworthiness- as long as I don't go lusting which is just as unworthy to do for a heterosexual. So we can say that homosexual attractions are worthy feelings, insofar as they do not make me unworthy. Here's the question again: Why would God give me worthy gay feelings (or at least gay feelings that are not unworthy) that I cannot follow worthily?

Now in my head I am thinking, "Draco, you're just mingling the philosophies of men with scripture and twisting words, and you know who else does that!" I admit that last paragraph is kind of a stretch- but remember, these are just musings and ponderings- not firm beliefs. I see no wrong in searching for answers to questions that I think are very pertinent to my salvation. God gave me reason, so I would be foolish not to use it. And of course the only way to confirm human reasoning is through divine confirmation (prayer), to which principle I hold fast. I'm sitting on the fence right now, and I don't think I can jump one way or the other until I'm sure that I'm leaping into safe pastures. "Well you won't receive any witness until after the trial of your faith!" And yet to which side of the fence should I invest my faith? Should I have faith in church doctrine and attempt to abandon homosexuality, or should I have faith that my feelings of attraction are acceptable and try kissing boys? I am so confused.