I Forgot My Keys...er...Broomstick

Okay- so the point of my last post was to say that I was planning on taking a break from blogging. But I had to come back for just a minute to share something a little bit monumental.

After six months of searching and philosophizing and praying about what I should be doing with my life, I've realized that I've been (sigh) on the wrong track. I've decided to completely embrace the doctrines of the church once more and go back to where I was one year ago. Why the change of heart? I guess it's because after going back and reading all of the comments that I've received on previous posts, I've realized that the church is always right.

I've also met someone that has stolen away my heart- and I'm shocked to say that it's a girl. I've already told her all about my ssa and she's been so understanding; she has a younger brother who also suffers from the same affliction, so it's something she's had lots of time to think about. She's coming home with me for spring break to hang out with my family- it's going to be awesome! My parents are (needless to say) very surprised, but excited to meet her.

So I guess I'll be going back in the closet again. I've been rereading everything that the church teaches about ssa, and I've come to the conclusion that if I want to overcome the suffering and temptations, then I should stop talking about them except with my councilor and bishop. I also need to stop associating with other mohos (a term which I will no longer use to describe myself- I am a latter-day saint and I don't want my ssa problem to define me) because I need to avoid even the appearance of sin. I also know that if I'm around others who share my issue that I will fall into temptation and start down the slippery slope to hell.

You know I love lyrics- so here's the perfect song for turning over an old leaf:

I won't see my dear friends as much
Male friends especially, I'll no longer be in touch
I'll change my hobbies to match yours
I'll stop reading my favorite books
I won't spend all this selfish time alone
I'll cater to you and hang on your every word

I'll be subservient and spineless
I'll lick your boots as empty shells
I'll be opinion-less and silent
I'll be the prettiest appendage to ever lose herself

I'll redefine self-sacrifice
Live my life as apologetic compromise
I'll know you'd leave if I rock the boat

I'll be subservient and spineless
I'll lick your boots as empty shells
I'll be opinion-less and silent
I'll be the prettiest appendage to ever lose herself

I feel this, truly proclaimed will help the curbing of this tendency
I know this sharing of shame will ensure that I won't forget myself so easily

I'll be low maintenance and agreeable
I will not talk about my dreams so much
I'll listen to you for hours, won't need anything

I'll be subservient and spineless
I'll lick your boots as empty shells
I'll be opinion-less and silent
I'll be the prettiest appendage to ever lose herself
-Alanis Morissette

Church

You're unsure and you're not ready so that must mean I want you

You're unavailable and disinterested and to you I look for comfort
A milllion times in a million ways I will try to change you
A million months and a million days I'll try to convince you

I have waited for you and adjusted for you and I'm done
I have deferred to you and enabled you and I'm done

You're too young or you're too old or you're simply not inclined
You're asleep or you're withholding- be that my cue to crave you

Several times in several ways I'll try to squeeze love from you
Several hours and several ways I'll feast on scraps thrown from you

I have bent for you and I've deprived for you and I'm done
I have depressed for you and contorted for you and I'm done
I have stifled for you and I've compromised for you and I'm done
I have silenced for you and sacrificed for you and I'm done

It won't be long before I am reclaimed
It won't take long and I'll be on path again
It won't be easy for us to disengage
I'm at the end of self deprivation stage

You're afraid of every woman afraid of your inner workings
You cringe at the thought of living under the same roof as me god and everything

A million times and a million ways I've tried to alter to match you
Several times every several days I've tried to uncrush on you

I have waited for you and adjusted for you and I'm done
I have deferred to you and enabled you and I'm done
I have bent for you and I've deprived for you and I'm done
I have depressed for you and I've contorted for you and I'm done

A Lyrical Pause

Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes,
Five hundred twenty five thousand moments so dear,
Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes,
how do you measure,
measure a year?
In daylights,
in sunsets,
in midnights and cups of coffee?
In inches,
in miles and laughter and strife?
In five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes,
how do you measure,
a year in the life?

How about love,
how about love,
how about love?
Measure in love-
seasons of love,
seasons of love!

Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes,
Five hundred twenty five thousand journeys to plan,
Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes,
how do you measure the life of a woman or a man?

In truths that she learned,
or tears that he cried,
in bridges he burned or the way that she died?
Its time now to sing out though the story never ends,
let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends!

Remember the love!
Remember the love!
Remember the love!
Measure in love-
Oh you got to you got to remember the love!
You know that love is a gift from up above!
Share love, give love, spread love!
Measure, measure your life in love.

Seasons of love,
Seasons of love,
Measure you life, measure your life in love...

Utopia

"We'd gather around all in a room, fasten our belts engage in dialogue,
We'd all slow down, rest without guilt not lie without fear, disagree sans judgement,

We would stay and respond and expand and include and allow and forgive and enjoy and evolve and discern and inquire and accept and admit and divulge and open and reach out and speak up

This is utopia, this is my utopia
This is my ideal, my end in sight
Utopia, this is my utopia,
This is my nirvana
My ultimate.

We'd open our arms, we'd all jump in, we'd all coast down into safety nets
We would share and listen and support and welcome, be propelled by passion, not invest in outcomes, we would breathe and be charmed and amused by difference, be gentle and make room for every emotion

We'd provide forums, we'd all speak out, we'd all be heard, we'd all feel seen,
We'd rise post-obstacle more defined more grateful, we would heal be humbled and be unstoppable, we'd hold close and let go and know when to do which, we'd release and disarm and stand up and feel safe

This is utopia, this is my utopia
This is my ideal, my end in sight
Utopia, this is my utopia,
This is my nirvana
My ultimate."

-Alanis Morissette