Just Gay

The Wicked Witch never died- she just sneaked away with her Fiyero in the end.

I am officially done with BYU and the LDS church. I graduated in April, and I'll be sending in my letter of resignation to Salt Lake very soon. It feels so good to be out and to be resolved. I am lucky to have made it out in one piece, and even luckier to have found the love of my life while I was at school. Then again, I guess marriage is what BYU is all about. Yes, it's a very happy ending to this blog. At the end of the day, I'll tell you that the reason I needed to join the LDS church, alienate my family, leave the country for two years, and suffer through BYU was to meet a boy and fall in love.

For anyone who is reading this blog as a gay BYU student, please understand that if you decide to leave the church, you CAN find happiness and fulfillment. I know that it's really really hard to make the decision, but there are so many people out there who are willing to help you through. Feel free to email me or to reach out to the blogging world to find out more about the moho community.

So I suppose that's it, though you can be sure you'll hear from me again. We already have a joint blog in the works. I'll be in Utah for the rest of the year, but after that you can look for me back east- most likely one of those purple states.

I'll let John Rzeznik have the last word-

"You're the only one I ever believed in
The answer that could never be found
The moment you decided to let love in
Now I'm banging on the door of an angel
The end of fear is where we begin
The moment we decided to let love in"

Limbo No More

The last few months I have been trying to reassess what spirituality and religion and God all mean to me. When I joined the church it was easy- everything was placed in front of me and I just had to do what everyone else was doing. God was like this, the Holy Ghost felt like this; it was a matter of jumping into the rut and trenching in. Since I’ve climbed out, it has been refreshing to finally breathe new air and see things that I was not seeing before, but I confess I’ve felt a little lost now and then. It can be difficult to embrace a nearly blank slate. But I think in the end it will be so much more spiritually rewarding than anything the rut had to offer. I foresee a much more personal connection with heaven because I will be searching for what is right for me instead of following a brown formula. I do that- I think of things in colors. The church and the rut and the formula are all brown in my mind. And not like a rich library brown or a Hershey brown- more like a decaying grayish brown- think cold oatmeal. Now the world outside the rut- I feel bright green and blue, silver, white, and violet. I guess I have to think of this new world as more of an open horizon and wonderment of colors than a strange wilderness of intimidating hues. It’s time to fill up my new space- I finally have room to run!

My house, my role
My friends, my man
My devotion to God
All amorphous, indefinite

Nothing's been clear
Nothing's been in
Nothing's felt true
And I've never had both feet in
Nothing's belonged
Nothing's been yes
Nowhere's been home
And I'm ready to be limbo no more

My taste, my peers
My identity, my affiliation
All amorphous, indefinite

Nothing's been clear
Nothing's been in
Nothing's felt true
And I've never had both feet in
Nothing's belonged
Nothing's been yes
Nowhere's been home
And I'm ready to be limbo no more

I sit with filled frames
And my books and my dogs at my feet
My friends by my side
My past in a heap
Thrown out most of my things
Only kept what I need to carve
Something consistent and notably me

Tattoo on my skin
My teacher's in heart
My house is a home
Something at last I can feel a part of
Sense of myself
My purpose is clear
My roots in the ground
Something at last I can feel a part of
Something aligned
To finally commit
Somewhere I belong
Cause I'm ready to be limbo no more
My wisdom applied
A firm foundation
A vow to myself
'Cause I'm ready to be limbo no more

Meet Mr. Nietzsche

Friedrich Nietzsche is perhaps most well known as a philosopher for his quote “God is dead and we have killed him.” He thought Christians were brainwashed slaves- slaves of traditions and morals that favored underachievement (what Christians call humility), and of deception (the fact that we have a biased, self-glorifying concept of “good”). What then is “good” in Nietzsche’s mind? The will to power- that doesn’t necessarily mean power over other people; rather, Nietzsche is referring to having power over oneself. In other words, people should try to overcome the temptation to blindly accept widely held truths or traditions and be brave enough to question, delving into the unknown. In my mind, that is what takes real humility and courage.

Nietzsche also condemns Christianity for parading as a love-filled way of life when so much of it is based in hatred and pity. The Christian doctrine of Final Judgment, he says, was born out of a bitter resentment that the lower class held toward the wealth and power of the noble class. Today it simply serves as a way for any Christian to feel satisfied that their enemies, the people that they envy, and those who belong to any opposing order of society will be punished, securing eternal power and superiority for the Christian.

Of course, I don't agree with everything that Nietzsche teaches (and I still consider myself to be a Christian), but I think his point of view deserves fair consideration. I think that most Christians, whether consciously or subconsciously passing judgments, fit Nietzsche's description- I know I certainly have felt a sense of validation or vindication on several occasions when I have reassured myself that some mean or stuck-up person would get theirs at Judgment Day. And I'm sure that there are plenty of Christians out there who rest easy because the feminists, the intellectuals, and the gays will all get their comeuppance in hell (or in the terrestrial kingdom, if you prefer). Am I wrong to think that this doesn't sound like a very loving way to think about other people? Really, it's not surprising at all that atheism is so popular. I think we all should be a little more Nietzschean.

Down with Big Brother

I think that I'm slowly changing my mind.

I've been wanting to say that the church is the right choice for anyone who sincerely feels that the church is true- I think I've been using the phrase "live and momentous option." But now I'm not so sure. If believing in church doctrine fosters bigotry, belittling, pride, elitism, and most of all if it hinders a person from thinking for themselves, then the option is momentous in a negative way and should be abandoned. Even if it simultaneously fosters service, devotion, prayer, modesty, and teaches peace, hope, and charity- real Christ-like love is not attained when any of the former qualities are present.

And I believe this is true not only for Mormonism but for any organized religion. Does God really want organized finger-pointing? Sadly, I think that many people belonging to any organized religion are too caught up in being right to be genuinely loving people. They may have their moments of charity and understanding, but there's no escaping the innate selfishness of the phrase, "I am right and you are wrong" -especially when we have no way of proving whose religious ideas are true. However, not all followers fall into this category. Some of my dearest friends (yes, some of them are Mormons) break the mold. And I am very blessed to have parents that are pretty open-minded as well. My mother has told me more than once that she wonders if in the end we will find out that none of the religions had it all right; more and more I am inclined to believe that she is right.

Life is about learning to love, and though almost any organized religion would agree with that notion, religious division frequently seems to prevent people from achieving true charity because they mistake pity for real love. I think a person is better off being an understanding atheist than a pitying believer.

What I'm trying to say with all of this is that I am feeling particularly disenchanted with organized religion in general and especially with Mormonism, since that is what I am presently most familiar with. I am not saying that it is bad to be a spiritual person or even a religious person- just so long as your religion doesn't turn you into a brainwashed raging finger-pointer on a pedestal.

Projections of Reality

We as human beings are professionals when it comes to projecting. From projecting election results to projecting our noses into other people’s business- it just comes naturally. In fact, we do it everyday. We define our reality by projecting what we want or need to be true onto existence. No matter how much we claim to be objective about our interpretation of what is real, we just can’t seem to escape subjectivity. We want something to be true, so we say it’s true and then find reasons that make it true, projecting our morals and measurements onto nature. This is true of religion, of social standards, and even what we consider to be the most fundamental laws of reality- being, identity, causality, and time. We can’t or don’t want to understand the world in any other way. This of course does not mean that all of our projections are false, but it certainly calls into question the soundness of our beliefs. So how, when so much of our truth is faith-based, can we claim that one way of looking at the world is better than another? It’s time that we start being more honest with ourselves and accepting that we are addicted to projecting. Hello, my name is draco and I am a bona fide projectionalist.