I Forgot My Keys...er...Broomstick

Okay- so the point of my last post was to say that I was planning on taking a break from blogging. But I had to come back for just a minute to share something a little bit monumental.

After six months of searching and philosophizing and praying about what I should be doing with my life, I've realized that I've been (sigh) on the wrong track. I've decided to completely embrace the doctrines of the church once more and go back to where I was one year ago. Why the change of heart? I guess it's because after going back and reading all of the comments that I've received on previous posts, I've realized that the church is always right.

I've also met someone that has stolen away my heart- and I'm shocked to say that it's a girl. I've already told her all about my ssa and she's been so understanding; she has a younger brother who also suffers from the same affliction, so it's something she's had lots of time to think about. She's coming home with me for spring break to hang out with my family- it's going to be awesome! My parents are (needless to say) very surprised, but excited to meet her.

So I guess I'll be going back in the closet again. I've been rereading everything that the church teaches about ssa, and I've come to the conclusion that if I want to overcome the suffering and temptations, then I should stop talking about them except with my councilor and bishop. I also need to stop associating with other mohos (a term which I will no longer use to describe myself- I am a latter-day saint and I don't want my ssa problem to define me) because I need to avoid even the appearance of sin. I also know that if I'm around others who share my issue that I will fall into temptation and start down the slippery slope to hell.

You know I love lyrics- so here's the perfect song for turning over an old leaf:

I won't see my dear friends as much
Male friends especially, I'll no longer be in touch
I'll change my hobbies to match yours
I'll stop reading my favorite books
I won't spend all this selfish time alone
I'll cater to you and hang on your every word

I'll be subservient and spineless
I'll lick your boots as empty shells
I'll be opinion-less and silent
I'll be the prettiest appendage to ever lose herself

I'll redefine self-sacrifice
Live my life as apologetic compromise
I'll know you'd leave if I rock the boat

I'll be subservient and spineless
I'll lick your boots as empty shells
I'll be opinion-less and silent
I'll be the prettiest appendage to ever lose herself

I feel this, truly proclaimed will help the curbing of this tendency
I know this sharing of shame will ensure that I won't forget myself so easily

I'll be low maintenance and agreeable
I will not talk about my dreams so much
I'll listen to you for hours, won't need anything

I'll be subservient and spineless
I'll lick your boots as empty shells
I'll be opinion-less and silent
I'll be the prettiest appendage to ever lose herself
-Alanis Morissette

Disappearing Act

"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained." -Mark Twain

Down with Big Brother

I think that I'm slowly changing my mind.

I've been wanting to say that the church is the right choice for anyone who sincerely feels that the church is true- I think I've been using the phrase "live and momentous option." But now I'm not so sure. If believing in church doctrine fosters bigotry, belittling, pride, elitism, and most of all if it hinders a person from thinking for themselves, then the option is momentous in a negative way and should be abandoned. Even if it simultaneously fosters service, devotion, prayer, modesty, and teaches peace, hope, and charity- real Christ-like love is not attained when any of the former qualities are present.

And I believe this is true not only for Mormonism but for any organized religion. Does God really want organized finger-pointing? Sadly, I think that many people belonging to any organized religion are too caught up in being right to be genuinely loving people. They may have their moments of charity and understanding, but there's no escaping the innate selfishness of the phrase, "I am right and you are wrong" -especially when we have no way of proving whose religious ideas are true. However, not all followers fall into this category. Some of my dearest friends (yes, some of them are Mormons) break the mold. And I am very blessed to have parents that are pretty open-minded as well. My mother has told me more than once that she wonders if in the end we will find out that none of the religions had it all right; more and more I am inclined to believe that she is right.

Life is about learning to love, and though almost any organized religion would agree with that notion, religious division frequently seems to prevent people from achieving true charity because they mistake pity for real love. I think a person is better off being an understanding atheist than a pitying believer.

What I'm trying to say with all of this is that I am feeling particularly disenchanted with organized religion in general and especially with Mormonism, since that is what I am presently most familiar with. I am not saying that it is bad to be a spiritual person or even a religious person- just so long as your religion doesn't turn you into a brainwashed raging finger-pointer on a pedestal.

Projections of Reality

We as human beings are professionals when it comes to projecting. From projecting election results to projecting our noses into other people’s business- it just comes naturally. In fact, we do it everyday. We define our reality by projecting what we want or need to be true onto existence. No matter how much we claim to be objective about our interpretation of what is real, we just can’t seem to escape subjectivity. We want something to be true, so we say it’s true and then find reasons that make it true, projecting our morals and measurements onto nature. This is true of religion, of social standards, and even what we consider to be the most fundamental laws of reality- being, identity, causality, and time. We can’t or don’t want to understand the world in any other way. This of course does not mean that all of our projections are false, but it certainly calls into question the soundness of our beliefs. So how, when so much of our truth is faith-based, can we claim that one way of looking at the world is better than another? It’s time that we start being more honest with ourselves and accepting that we are addicted to projecting. Hello, my name is draco and I am a bona fide projectionalist.

Church

You're unsure and you're not ready so that must mean I want you

You're unavailable and disinterested and to you I look for comfort
A milllion times in a million ways I will try to change you
A million months and a million days I'll try to convince you

I have waited for you and adjusted for you and I'm done
I have deferred to you and enabled you and I'm done

You're too young or you're too old or you're simply not inclined
You're asleep or you're withholding- be that my cue to crave you

Several times in several ways I'll try to squeeze love from you
Several hours and several ways I'll feast on scraps thrown from you

I have bent for you and I've deprived for you and I'm done
I have depressed for you and contorted for you and I'm done
I have stifled for you and I've compromised for you and I'm done
I have silenced for you and sacrificed for you and I'm done

It won't be long before I am reclaimed
It won't take long and I'll be on path again
It won't be easy for us to disengage
I'm at the end of self deprivation stage

You're afraid of every woman afraid of your inner workings
You cringe at the thought of living under the same roof as me god and everything

A million times and a million ways I've tried to alter to match you
Several times every several days I've tried to uncrush on you

I have waited for you and adjusted for you and I'm done
I have deferred to you and enabled you and I'm done
I have bent for you and I've deprived for you and I'm done
I have depressed for you and I've contorted for you and I'm done

Happy and Gay

I love Ellen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yf1cBha_Czo&feature=related

If you haven't seen this, you NEED to watch it!

Getting Political

I know that there’s already been quite a lot of discussion about whether or not it is appropriate for a Mormon to support gay marriage (see Abelard’s blog), but I feel like adding just a little more.

The church has clearly stated that its members should support legislation to protect marriage from homosexuals. In the August 2005 Ensign, we see the reasons why the church is stepping into politics:

“Church leaders have consistently affirmed that children are better off when born and reared in a family with both a mother and a father…. Research by family scholars supports the Church’s position. A recent publication compares children of single or cohabiting parents with children of married parents. While single parents often succeed in rearing well-adjusted, responsible children, the report concludes that, taken as a whole, children who live with married parents are less likely to divorce or become unwed parents themselves, are less likely to experience poverty, tend to have higher grades, are more likely to attend college, and experience lower rates of unemployment. On average, children of married parents also experience better physical and mental health, have lower rates of substance abuse, experience less child abuse, and are less likely to commit suicide or engage in criminal behavior. Parents can give children no greater gift than the example of a strong, loving marriage… If governments were to alter the moral climate by legitimizing same-sex marriages, gender confusion would increase, particularly among children, and this would further blur the line between good and evil”

I’m sorry, but this is absolutely ridiculous! Taking research gathered from observing single and cohabiting parents (which were probably heterosexuals living together out of wed-lock) and then projecting those results onto gay couples in committed marriage-like relationships is not only setting up a bad argument- it’s just downright deceitful! Talk about twisting the facts! Maybe the church is just afraid to publish real research about homosexual couples because the findings are not so supportive of its cause:

“…studies indicate that sexual orientation has no measurable effect on the quality of parent-child relationships or on the mental health of children.”

(http://www.narth.com/docs/does.html)

“There was no evidence in any of the studies of gender identity of any difficulties among children of lesbian mothers.”

“Taken together, the data do not suggest elevated rates of homosexuality among the offspring of lesbian or gay parents.”

“Results of research to date suggest that children of lesbian and gay parents have positive relationships with peers and that their relationships with adults of both sexes are also satisfactory. The picture of lesbian mothers' children that emerges is one of general engagement in social life with peers, with fathers, with grandparents, and with mothers' adult friends-both male and female, both heterosexual and homosexual. Fears about children of lesbians and gay men being sexually abused by adults, ostracized by peers, or isolated in single-sex lesbian or gay communities have received no support from the results of existing research.”

(http://www.apa.org/pi/lgbc/publications/lgpchildren.html)

The church has no substantial empirical evidence to show that gay families will hurt society. Alright- but God has commanded that it is wrong, so aren’t we justified in trying to ban gay marriage? The problem here is that the church is also committed to protecting religious rights (11^th Articles of Faith). All we need to do is imagine a situation in which a gay couple seeks to marry because, according to their religion, they believe that God has commanded them to marry and that such a marriage would be acceptable. Since there is no proof that letting this couple marry will be harmful to society, in theory the LDS church should not interfere with their marriage.

So all Mormons should support and not support allowing gay marriage. I didn’t know that God liked sending such mixed messages.