"Come be how you want to"

I used to be sure that if I started zooming around on a broomstick- if I started disobeying gravity- that I would surely lose all those special spiritual feelings that we talk about so much in the church. But the last two weeks have offered the most spiritual and tender feelings that I have felt in over a year. Of course there’s no proper way to describe it- serenity mixed with joy, resolve and enlightenment is the best I can do. With all the extra time I had on my hands over the break, I had plenty to spare for self-reflecting, praying, deep meditation, and for reading Jonathan Livingston Seagull. At the advice of a good friend’s father, I went back to the beginning- searching for the most basic spiritual answers: Who is God? What is his character? How do I feel the Holy Spirit? What is my purpose? And I got answers! -answers that I believe wholeheartedly to be divinely inspired truths. Maybe one day I will share them. I will say that I am sure that God is leading me along and that He has great plans for me. It all flies in the face of conformity. Some people- well a lot of people- are going to tell me I’m letting go of the rod and following forbidden paths into the fog. I wish you could see me smiling; just beyond the mist, away from the rod, the river and the building, there’s a whole world to be explored with more than just one lonely tree.

Only Ice Cream, Never Sundaes

I drove home this week to spend Thanksgiving with my family. It’s a very long drive, so I had plenty of time to do some serious self reflecting, meditating and praying. I was specifically praying about love- what it is and how it applies to my situation. Love is such a precious and uplifting experience, yet there are so many people that go through life never experiencing what it’s like to fall in love- to give your heart to another person completely and have their heart in return.

I have spent the last year trying to fall in love with girls with no success. I have loved them as friends, but I have not been able to give them my heart. I’ve considered celibacy, but I can’t imagine living deprived of love- that feeling that is supposed to make you more Christ-like and brings real happiness. I understand that there are some within the church, most of them single women, who never have the opportunity to fall in love and get married. It can be argued that if they can manage, so can I. The difference is that I do have the opportunity to fall in love. Man was not meant to be alone, but that is what the church would have me do. Yet as I pray, I again deeply feel that I should not let the chance to fall in love pass me by- even if that means falling in love with another guy. I feel so peaceful about this proposition, though it clearly runs against the grain of orthodoxy. I don’t care; I feel closer to Heavenly Father now than I have for the last year, so I think I'm going to trust my feelings, close my eyes, and leap.

Here’s one of my new favorite quotes about love:

“You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain, lies, hate... It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and... What I'm trying to say… is... I think I love you. Is this love? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no fits. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.” –Yvaine (Claire Danes) Stardust

Thank you clarity

I got to visit my friend skyhawk and his wonderful wife yesterday evening. I had such a good time with them; we had homemade macaroni and burritos for dinner- it was awesome :) I love it when people behave like themselves and you feel like yourself when you’re around them- definitely one of the measures of true friendship in my book.

As I was driving back to Provo after dinner, I started praying about things- specifically about whether or not what I’m doing is right. I won’t go into the details of the prayer, but as I was listening for the Holy Ghost and contemplating things, I felt such a sincere sense of happiness and peace- and most of all the feeling that everything is going to be okay. It was a wonderful Sunday drive. :)

I’m really looking forward to the break this week. I’m going home for Thanksgiving to spend some time with my family. I mentioned in an earlier post that I have been debating whether or not I should re-come-out to my parents. My mother made it really easy for me last week; she called me and said that she felt like there has been something bothering me that I wasn’t sharing with her. I jumped on the opportunity and let her know what I’ve been feeling and what I’ve been up to lately. She was not surprised at all; in fact she told me that she thought I had been running away from the problem for the past 4 years- that joining the church had been an attempted escape from gayness. She let me know how she felt about living a homosexual lifestyle and expressed her worry for my health (I wouldn’t expect anything less from her :)) and then, most importantly, she told me that I am still the same person in her eyes and that she still expects me home for Christmas, even if that means someday bringing home a boyfriend or husband lol :) It will be fun to go on a date with her this week and continue to talk things out. As for my dad, my mom advised me to wait for a while, and so I will- I don’t want to dampen the holidays for him. So right now I’m thinking the 26^th or 27^th of December. :)

I am immensely grateful this year for so many things. I have been starting each day with a positive attitude lately and it is making a world of difference.