So This is Gay

The school year is almost over (at least for me :)) and I’ve been thinking about how much life has changed since September. It’s been over six months now since I started coming out again and since I started dating boys. I didn’t really wait very long at all in the beginning to get my feet wet; I think it was less than a week after I started this blog when I got into a relationship, and I haven’t stopped dating since. I don’t want to sound like a floozy- I’ve only dated two boys ;)

I still have a lot of coming out to do- most of which I will probably save for post-Provo life- but I have come out to my immediate family and all of my closest friends. My family has only become more positive about my gayness and with the idea of me dating boys. In fact, I’ll be taking one home with me at the end of the month and my parents are looking forward to meeting him.

From all this dating and coming out I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’ve learned what it means to fall in love. I’ve seen both my selfish and selfless extremes. I’ve found out more about just how splendidly joyous and how knifishly (I think I just stole that word from Pan) painful life can be. I’ve also learned some less serious things about me- like how incredibly attractive I find boys with squinty eyes (Josh Hartnett style!), how I love dancing in cages, and how I look really good with eyeliner lol.

I definitely like who I now more than who I was last year. No more dragon-fighting, no more emotional masochism, and no more pretending- just me.

Brotherly Love

I came out to my younger brother, Lee, last weekend and it was an ideal experience.
This is how the conversation started:

Draco: “So, Lee- there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about…”

Lee: “Draco- I already know. I’m not stupid.”

Draco: “Oh.”

You see, Lee had already found out about me back in high school- and lately he’s been asking my mom questions and I knew that he was suspicious of me again. His reaction was the best!

Lee: “Draco, you’re my brother and I’ll love you no matter what. Your happiness means a lot to me and I’m glad that you’re doing what makes you happy.”

And Lee almost never tells me that he loves me! During the course of the conversation he said it like 5 times! We talked for about an hour just laughing and being normal. I feel so lucky! Now I only have to worry about my youngest brother, Scott. I think he’ll be fine, though. He also knows from when I was in high school. I’ve asked my mom to talk to him about me before I do to give him some time to get re-used to the idea.

So that’s that- by far the easiest coming-out talk that I’ve ever had. I wish everyone would react the way that Lee did.

"I hope you're happy in the end"

I've been home for the holidays- it's so nice to be out of Utah for just a moment. I really can't stand living in Mormon central sometimes, but I suppose my attitude is partly to blame. Life's what you make it, after all (oh no- I think I just quoted a Hannah Montana song!). And to be honest, I actually am looking forward to returning to Provo; I've been a little lonely and feeling less than whole.

So, just like I promised myself, I talked to my dad this week about being gay. It went so much better than I had anticipated! First off, I came into the room and he was watching The Sound of Music- I couldn't have asked for a better backdrop for our conversation! I told him how I've been feeling and we talked a little about what may happen in the future. We actually did a lot of laughing and joking- it was just a normal conversation! My favorite part was when he smiled at me and told me that the 3 things that he hoped his children would never turn out to be was gay, Mormon, or drug addicts. 2 out of 3 for me- not bad :) I laughed and told him that's probably why he had me. He said that it's not what he would choose for me, but that I will always have his love and support and that he wants to see me settled and happy with whatever I choose to do. Today we went skiing with my brothers and everything was normal- I'm not acting like anything but myself and he's not treating me any differently. I feel so blessed!

The last three months have changed my life completely- "Who can say if I've been changed for the better? I do believe I have been changed for the better... and because I knew you, I have been changed for good..."
I feel so much more authentic than I used to! "I- I feel so alive- for the very first time, and I think I could fly!" Sorry- sometimes I can't stop the lyrics.

I'm so excited for this year! I feel like God is guiding me into the beginning of a life full of wonderment and happiness.

"I hope you're happy,
now that you're choosing this...
I hope it brings you bliss,
I really hope you get it
and you don't live to regret it-
I hope you're happy in the end-
I hope you're happy my friend...

"So if you care to find me
look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately,
everyone deserves a chance to fly!

"And if I'm flying solo,
at least I'm flying free!
To those who'd ground me,
take a message back from me-
Tell them how I am defying gravity!
I'm flying high defying gravity,
and soon I'll match them in renown!
And nobody in all of Oz,
no wizard that there is or was,
is ever gonna bring me down!"

Thank you clarity

I got to visit my friend skyhawk and his wonderful wife yesterday evening. I had such a good time with them; we had homemade macaroni and burritos for dinner- it was awesome :) I love it when people behave like themselves and you feel like yourself when you’re around them- definitely one of the measures of true friendship in my book.

As I was driving back to Provo after dinner, I started praying about things- specifically about whether or not what I’m doing is right. I won’t go into the details of the prayer, but as I was listening for the Holy Ghost and contemplating things, I felt such a sincere sense of happiness and peace- and most of all the feeling that everything is going to be okay. It was a wonderful Sunday drive. :)

I’m really looking forward to the break this week. I’m going home for Thanksgiving to spend some time with my family. I mentioned in an earlier post that I have been debating whether or not I should re-come-out to my parents. My mother made it really easy for me last week; she called me and said that she felt like there has been something bothering me that I wasn’t sharing with her. I jumped on the opportunity and let her know what I’ve been feeling and what I’ve been up to lately. She was not surprised at all; in fact she told me that she thought I had been running away from the problem for the past 4 years- that joining the church had been an attempted escape from gayness. She let me know how she felt about living a homosexual lifestyle and expressed her worry for my health (I wouldn’t expect anything less from her :)) and then, most importantly, she told me that I am still the same person in her eyes and that she still expects me home for Christmas, even if that means someday bringing home a boyfriend or husband lol :) It will be fun to go on a date with her this week and continue to talk things out. As for my dad, my mom advised me to wait for a while, and so I will- I don’t want to dampen the holidays for him. So right now I’m thinking the 26^th or 27^th of December. :)

I am immensely grateful this year for so many things. I have been starting each day with a positive attitude lately and it is making a world of difference.

The Parental Debate

Four years ago I came out to my parents. They already suspected that I was gay, but it was still a bombshell for them. What hurt them the most, however, was the fact that I had confided in my friends and sought their advice and even the advice of some of their parents before I had trusted my parents with my dilemma. They were absolutely heartbroken and I still think my mom gets upset about it, even though it was so long ago.

After I joined the church I stopped talking with my parents about being gay and they didn’t bother to bring up the issue- not until my mom asked me about it a year ago when I got home from the mission. I snapped at her and told her I never wanted to talk about it again; she cried and I left the room. I’m sure that my parents still wonder about me. And now that I’m coming out again- even if I’m only peeking out of the closet- I wonder if I should go to them for advice and comfort. Even though they were disappointed when I came out in high school, they were so compassionate! They both wasted no time in telling me that they loved me just the same and only wanted to see me happy. I love them so much!! Oh man, I’m crying as I’m typing. Well, I could go on forever about how wonderful they are, but I’ll cut to the chase. I don’t know whether it would be wise for me to talk to them again. Have I already made the same mistake I made in high school- talking to my friends before I seek guidance from my parents- cutting my comfort off? But since my parents (and none of my extended family) are members of the church, I don’t want my homosexuality to somehow get in the way of the possibility of them joining the church in the future. I mean, they already have a hard enough time dealing with me being the black sheep Mormon of the family- my mom cries every time I talk about the temple or getting married because she can’t come. I definitely need to keep praying for guidance, but maybe one of you can be an inspired messenger- any suggestions?