Monday, November 19, 2007

Thank you clarity

I got to visit my friend skyhawk and his wonderful wife yesterday evening. I had such a good time with them; we had homemade macaroni and burritos for dinner- it was awesome :) I love it when people behave like themselves and you feel like yourself when you’re around them- definitely one of the measures of true friendship in my book.

As I was driving back to Provo after dinner, I started praying about things- specifically about whether or not what I’m doing is right. I won’t go into the details of the prayer, but as I was listening for the Holy Ghost and contemplating things, I felt such a sincere sense of happiness and peace- and most of all the feeling that everything is going to be okay. It was a wonderful Sunday drive. :)

I’m really looking forward to the break this week. I’m going home for Thanksgiving to spend some time with my family. I mentioned in an earlier post that I have been debating whether or not I should re-come-out to my parents. My mother made it really easy for me last week; she called me and said that she felt like there has been something bothering me that I wasn’t sharing with her. I jumped on the opportunity and let her know what I’ve been feeling and what I’ve been up to lately. She was not surprised at all; in fact she told me that she thought I had been running away from the problem for the past 4 years- that joining the church had been an attempted escape from gayness. She let me know how she felt about living a homosexual lifestyle and expressed her worry for my health (I wouldn’t expect anything less from her :)) and then, most importantly, she told me that I am still the same person in her eyes and that she still expects me home for Christmas, even if that means someday bringing home a boyfriend or husband lol :) It will be fun to go on a date with her this week and continue to talk things out. As for my dad, my mom advised me to wait for a while, and so I will- I don’t want to dampen the holidays for him. So right now I’m thinking the 26th or 27th of December. :)

I am immensely grateful this year for so many things. I have been starting each day with a positive attitude lately and it is making a world of difference.


Peter said...

I like that the cat in your picture has squinty eyes.

I'm curious- you're mom says that joining the Church was a way to run from homosexuality. What do you think about that? Is that true? Does it hold merit? What about the spiritual experiences? Contrived? Compensation? Just wondering . . .

One of So Many said...

It's always good to have a connection with parents. Not something to take lightly. It's good that things may seem like falling into place for you. Wish you the best of luck with thanksgiving.

playasinmar said...

I want to ask what Peter's asking.

Remus said...

well, the other night, i actually asked you why you joined the church even though you were gay. dang, i don't know what i would've done and i told you about the guy that i actually taught on my mission that came out to us. I was in total shock and it just made re-evaluate my life. How hard it would be inside the church. I hope that you joined for the right reasons. If not, I hope that it came later... you're cool.

draco said...

Oh man- I wish this question had an easy answer. When my mom talked to me about this over the phone it was hard to hear because I've really been wondering if she's right.

After meditating on this, I think that escaping gayness may have been part of my reason for joining the church- at that point I was very afraid of disappointing people. But more than this, I really had a desire to become a better person. I wanted to be spiritual everyday and not just for the week or two after Lutheran church camp. Joining the church has certainly brought out my spiritual side and has provided me with a greater appreciation for life and seeking truth.

Still, I confess that I've used the church as a blanket to hide from myself. I've been very self-righteous about it in the past- thinking that I was too good for homosexual feelings and behaving more like a prideful prick than a really righteous person. I haven't been a stranger to overcompensation and attempting to force spirituality, though I still believe that many of my spiritual experiences have been genuine.

So, yeah- I guess my mom was partly right in her observation. But what's most important is that right now I feel like the church has improved my life, and I'm not running anymore.

Benjamin said...

I just stumbled on your blog a few days ago and have been reading over your posts. I want to honor you for your ability to understand yourself and your courage to share your deepest thoughts with others (who you may know, but I don't!) It seems you have exactly what I always wanted: a strong support base of friends to bounce ideas off of. Therefore, I'm going to pretend I'm a deep friend of you and your friends!

I hope you don't mind me commenting, but I wanted to add my thoughts about feeling the spirit/what to do about religion. It seems to me that the fact that you enjoy reading the scriptures and praying means you know the church is true. For me, once I knew the church was true, my decisions were made for me. As often as I think I'm going to leave the church and start living a gay lifestyle I remember the truth of the word and I keep on the "straight" and narrow, enduring to the end. (I mean enduring in the most rigourous possible way.)

Now, on to the subject of getting baptized as an escape from SSA. In some ways being a mormon is very helpful to overcoming SSA: prayer, fasting, scripture study, temple attendance bring HUGE blessings that are paramount to success. In other ways, being a mormon makes SSA that much worse: pressure from people to get married, constant reminders at church that your feelings are "abominable" etc. Reagardless, I think that your true reason for joining the church isn't as significant as whether today you feel the church is the only true church on the earth. If it is, decisions are made for you.

Anyway, I'm not a very good writer so my words may sound offensive or harsh or something. That is not my intention! I'm just trying to feel connected to people like me.

J G-W said...

Why should we view joining the Church as "anti-gay"???

You've said yourself, you joined the Church for very positive reasons. A desire to have faith be a way of life, not just clothing you put on Sundays. A desire to be a better person. Love of God and a desire to walk in the footsteps of Christ.

I have such a testimony of the principles of the LDS faith -- including (especially!) our knowledge that we are each entitled to turn to God to seek the guidance we need in the decisions we have to make.

As gay men, don't we need this MORE and not less?

Don't buy the propaganda for a minute.