Just Gay

The Wicked Witch never died- she just sneaked away with her Fiyero in the end.

I am officially done with BYU and the LDS church. I graduated in April, and I'll be sending in my letter of resignation to Salt Lake very soon. It feels so good to be out and to be resolved. I am lucky to have made it out in one piece, and even luckier to have found the love of my life while I was at school. Then again, I guess marriage is what BYU is all about. Yes, it's a very happy ending to this blog. At the end of the day, I'll tell you that the reason I needed to join the LDS church, alienate my family, leave the country for two years, and suffer through BYU was to meet a boy and fall in love.

For anyone who is reading this blog as a gay BYU student, please understand that if you decide to leave the church, you CAN find happiness and fulfillment. I know that it's really really hard to make the decision, but there are so many people out there who are willing to help you through. Feel free to email me or to reach out to the blogging world to find out more about the moho community.

So I suppose that's it, though you can be sure you'll hear from me again. We already have a joint blog in the works. I'll be in Utah for the rest of the year, but after that you can look for me back east- most likely one of those purple states.

I'll let John Rzeznik have the last word-

"You're the only one I ever believed in
The answer that could never be found
The moment you decided to let love in
Now I'm banging on the door of an angel
The end of fear is where we begin
The moment we decided to let love in"

Bravery and Cowardice

Who is the coward? I am sure that there are gay Mormons out there who would label those who leave the church to pursue a homosexual lifestyle as cowards; they’re too weak to keep the commandments- too pusillanimous to follow what they know in their hearts to be true. They’re taking the easy way out.

Who is the coward? I am sure that there are gay Mormon renegades out there who would label those who choose to stay in the church as cowards; they’re too craven to leave what is comfortable, acceptable, and safe- too weak to genuinely explore and embrace their identity. They’re taking the easy way out.

Who is the coward? Who is insecure?

So This is Gay

The school year is almost over (at least for me :)) and I’ve been thinking about how much life has changed since September. It’s been over six months now since I started coming out again and since I started dating boys. I didn’t really wait very long at all in the beginning to get my feet wet; I think it was less than a week after I started this blog when I got into a relationship, and I haven’t stopped dating since. I don’t want to sound like a floozy- I’ve only dated two boys ;)

I still have a lot of coming out to do- most of which I will probably save for post-Provo life- but I have come out to my immediate family and all of my closest friends. My family has only become more positive about my gayness and with the idea of me dating boys. In fact, I’ll be taking one home with me at the end of the month and my parents are looking forward to meeting him.

From all this dating and coming out I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’ve learned what it means to fall in love. I’ve seen both my selfish and selfless extremes. I’ve found out more about just how splendidly joyous and how knifishly (I think I just stole that word from Pan) painful life can be. I’ve also learned some less serious things about me- like how incredibly attractive I find boys with squinty eyes (Josh Hartnett style!), how I love dancing in cages, and how I look really good with eyeliner lol.

I definitely like who I now more than who I was last year. No more dragon-fighting, no more emotional masochism, and no more pretending- just me.

"I hope you're happy in the end"

I've been home for the holidays- it's so nice to be out of Utah for just a moment. I really can't stand living in Mormon central sometimes, but I suppose my attitude is partly to blame. Life's what you make it, after all (oh no- I think I just quoted a Hannah Montana song!). And to be honest, I actually am looking forward to returning to Provo; I've been a little lonely and feeling less than whole.

So, just like I promised myself, I talked to my dad this week about being gay. It went so much better than I had anticipated! First off, I came into the room and he was watching The Sound of Music- I couldn't have asked for a better backdrop for our conversation! I told him how I've been feeling and we talked a little about what may happen in the future. We actually did a lot of laughing and joking- it was just a normal conversation! My favorite part was when he smiled at me and told me that the 3 things that he hoped his children would never turn out to be was gay, Mormon, or drug addicts. 2 out of 3 for me- not bad :) I laughed and told him that's probably why he had me. He said that it's not what he would choose for me, but that I will always have his love and support and that he wants to see me settled and happy with whatever I choose to do. Today we went skiing with my brothers and everything was normal- I'm not acting like anything but myself and he's not treating me any differently. I feel so blessed!

The last three months have changed my life completely- "Who can say if I've been changed for the better? I do believe I have been changed for the better... and because I knew you, I have been changed for good..."
I feel so much more authentic than I used to! "I- I feel so alive- for the very first time, and I think I could fly!" Sorry- sometimes I can't stop the lyrics.

I'm so excited for this year! I feel like God is guiding me into the beginning of a life full of wonderment and happiness.

"I hope you're happy,
now that you're choosing this...
I hope it brings you bliss,
I really hope you get it
and you don't live to regret it-
I hope you're happy in the end-
I hope you're happy my friend...

"So if you care to find me
look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately,
everyone deserves a chance to fly!

"And if I'm flying solo,
at least I'm flying free!
To those who'd ground me,
take a message back from me-
Tell them how I am defying gravity!
I'm flying high defying gravity,
and soon I'll match them in renown!
And nobody in all of Oz,
no wizard that there is or was,
is ever gonna bring me down!"

On the 12th Day of Christmas...

On the 12th day of Christmas
My true love gave to me:

12 Men a macking

11 Studs a stripping

10 Lords a leaping

9 Boys a bathing

8 Kens a kissing

7 Fairies flying

6 Wicked tickets

5 Gay thumb rings!

4 Fitted shirts

3 Pink pens

2 Starbucks mugs...

(dramatically) And Celine Dion's latest CD!

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope that you've all enjoyed my gay rendition of the 12 days of Christmas. Maybe next year we can throw a huge moho Christmas party and sing it together. A few people have asked me if I really have been receiving these gifts for Christmas- So far I've received 4 out of 12 of the gifts- though not necessarily in the same quantities mentioned in the song. Which 4 out of the 12? ....(smiles deviously)

On the 11th Day of Christmas...

On the 11th day of Christmas
My true love gave to me:

11 Studs a stripping

10 Lords a leaping

9 Boys a bathing

8 Kens a kissing

7 Fairies flying

6 Wicked tickets

5 Gay thumb rings!

4 Fitted shirts

3 Pink pens

2 Starbucks mugs

And Celine Dion's latest CD!

On the 10th Day of Christmas...

On the 10th day of Christmas
My true love gave to me:

10 Lords a leaping
(I just couldn't change this one)

9 Boys a bathing

8 Kens a kissing

7 Fairies flying

6 Wicked tickets

5 Gay thumb rings!

4 Fitted shirts

3 Pink pens

2 Starbucks mugs

And Celine Dion's latest CD!

On the 9th Day of Christmas...

On the 9th day of Christmas
My true love gave to me:

9 Boys a bathing

8 Kens a kissing

7 Fairies flying

6 Wicked tickets

5 Gay thumb rings!

4 Fitted shirts

3 Pink pens

2 Starbucks mugs

And Celine Dion's latest CD!

On the 8th Day of Christmas...

On the 8th day of Christmas
My true love gave to me:

8 Kens a kissing

7 Fairies flying

6 Wicked tickets

5 Gay thumb rings!

4 Fitted shirts

3 Pink pens

2 Starbucks mugs

And
Celine Dion's
latest CD!

On the 7th Day of Christmas...

On the 7th day of Christmas
My true love gave to me:

7 Fairies flying

6 Wicked tickets

5 Gay thumb rings!

4 Fitted shirts

3 Pink pens

2 Starbucks mugs

And Celine Dion's latest CD!

On the 6th Day of Christmas...

On the 6th day of Christmas
My true love gave to me:

6 Wicked tickets

5 Gay thumb rings!

4 Fitted shirts

3 Pink pens

2 Starbucks mugs

And Celine Dion's latest CD!

On the 5th Day of Christmas...

On the 5th Day of Christmas
My true love gave to me:

5 Gay thumb rings!

4 Fitted shirts

3 Pink pens

2 Starbucks mugs

And Celine Dion's latest CD!

On the 4th Day of Christmas...

On the 4th day of Christmas
My true love gave to me:

4 Fitted shirts

3 Pink pens

2 Starbucks mugs

And Celine Dion's latest CD!

On the 3rd Day of Christmas...

On the 3rd day of Christmas
My true love gave to me:

3 Pink pens

2 Starbucks mugs

And Celine Dion's latest CD!

On the 2nd Day of Christmas...

On the 2nd day of Christmas
My true love gave to me:

Two Starbucks mugs

And Celine Dion's latest CD!

On The 1st Day of Christmas...

On the 1st day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Celine Dion's latest CD!

Under Rug Swept

I wrote this as a comment on Calvin’s blog not too long ago, and based on what I’ve read on other blogs lately, I think I want to turn it into its own post. I guess I’m a really non-confrontational person; arguing and judging make me really uncomfortable…

Yeah, I hate arguing too- it just makes you tired. So in friendly response to some of the above comments: the reason why sometimes we focus so much on gayness is because it affects our future concerning the highest and most sacred gospel covenant- marriage. Especially here at byu, most everyone my age is focused on relationships and getting married. This all works out fine because it's part of the gospel and people can make dating a spiritual experience, putting Heavenly Father first as they seek out an eternal companion. But for mohos, this is not true. Pursuing our feelings is contrary to the gospel, which makes it difficult to concentrate on relationships and on our gospel progression at the same time. The alternative, of course, is to not pursue any gay relationships, but that doesn't take the focus away from gayness. Marriage is the most important decision that one can make in this life, so deciding whether or not to get married because of ssa still gives gayness a prominent place on the stage. I think that we just need to show the same mercy and patience that Heavenly Father shows in our interactions with those struggling with their testimony because of ssa. What we do about gayness might have eternal consequences (I guess that that "might" just gave me away as one of the struggling ones), so I think we can be justified in talking out our feelings and weighing both sides. This can be tiring, and yes- there is more to life than your sexuality- but sweeping things under the rug doesn't make things better. Still, it's a shame when insightful discussion turns into arguing.

Finally, I apologize if I've ever been argumentative. I ask questions and challenge doctrines because I'm finding out that I don't know all that I thought I knew.

Signs and Confessions

Now that you know a little bit of what’s going on inside my head (and trust me, there is more to come), I guess I’ll share a little bit about myself.

So as I’ve been coming out to some of my close friends recently, I’ve been wondering if they kind of knew all along. After all, I kind of fit the stereotypical mold of gayness- but maybe I’ve been good at hiding it? I made a list this morning during one of my classes of things that might appear, well, pretty gay to other people. So this is a chance for me to be proud of these things instead of feeling embarrassed about who I am. Especially for those of you who know me, I hope you’ll get a laugh out of this.

-I love shopping, unless it’s at someplace like Home Depot
-I have gone shopping just to buy chap-stick
-I have all the songs from Wicked memorized- “Don’t wish, don’t start- wishing only wounds the heart… he could be that boy, but I’m not that girl.”
-The ring tone on my cell phone is from Wicked.
-I like to sing along with Celine Dion- in the same octave. I also have Madonna, N’Sync, BSB, Britney, Christina, Alanis, Hanson, Jewel, Amy Grant, Darren Hayes, Jesse McCartney, Justin, Mariah, and everything Broadway on my i-pod. Is that bad?
-I have taken ballet and I liked wearing tights. Yes, I liked it!
-I pluck my eyebrows.
-The hairspray that I’m using right now is called “Herbal Essences- White Nectarine and Pink Coral Flower. Oh man, it smells so good!
-Speaking of hairspray- definitely the hottest movie of the summer!
-I’ve colored my hair 5 times this year- in fact, I think I’m due for number 6 pretty quick here…
-I don’t like watching sports. Except during the Olympics when they show the men’s diving and swimming… yep.
-I have softer hands than most girls and even some babies.
-When I went home for summer break, I spent a whole day watching a marathon on Bravo of America’s Top Designer- such a great show, but I was kind of bummed when the cute guy got kicked off- I guess he had it coming; his clothes were too gay.
-This is one of my favorite backgrounds that I put on my desktop -->
-I like using those mud facial masks.
-My handwriting is “really pretty.” Seriously, I’ve made girls jealous.
-One of my favorite movies is The Matthew Shepard Story. Another one is The Little Mermaid.
-I used to wear a thumb ring.
-I have a crush on Matt Damon, Sean Austin, and (sigh) Zac Efron.

And actually the signs go all the way back to fourth grade-
-I had a bright purple coat.
-I had Lisa Frank folders for my homework- the jumping dolphins were so cute!
-All the girls used to play wall ball at recess and no boys were allowed. They gave me the nickname “Frutia” so that I could play with them. I remember my mom was really concerned when she heard this, but she just didn’t understand- I mean it was just a nickname…
-And by 6th or 7th grade I was sure that I didn’t like girls like the other boys did- but all the boys started looking pretty attractive. By the time I started my freshman year in high school, I knew that I was (gulp) gay.

I’m sure I could add to this list; it was far too easy to make. So now you know some of my gay little secrets and tendencies. You know, I usually get offended (despite Elder Bednar’s council) when people call things “gay” or “homo.” But maybe we’re partly to blame, you know? After all, we’re the ones who make all of these “gay” things seem gay. I guess as long as it’s not used derogatorily, I can keep my cool if someone calls some hot new song or some smokin’ piece of clothing “gay.” Yeah, I think that’s a dandy way of handling things. (Man, that last sentence was gay!)