So This is Gay

The school year is almost over (at least for me :)) and I’ve been thinking about how much life has changed since September. It’s been over six months now since I started coming out again and since I started dating boys. I didn’t really wait very long at all in the beginning to get my feet wet; I think it was less than a week after I started this blog when I got into a relationship, and I haven’t stopped dating since. I don’t want to sound like a floozy- I’ve only dated two boys ;)

I still have a lot of coming out to do- most of which I will probably save for post-Provo life- but I have come out to my immediate family and all of my closest friends. My family has only become more positive about my gayness and with the idea of me dating boys. In fact, I’ll be taking one home with me at the end of the month and my parents are looking forward to meeting him.

From all this dating and coming out I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’ve learned what it means to fall in love. I’ve seen both my selfish and selfless extremes. I’ve found out more about just how splendidly joyous and how knifishly (I think I just stole that word from Pan) painful life can be. I’ve also learned some less serious things about me- like how incredibly attractive I find boys with squinty eyes (Josh Hartnett style!), how I love dancing in cages, and how I look really good with eyeliner lol.

I definitely like who I now more than who I was last year. No more dragon-fighting, no more emotional masochism, and no more pretending- just me.

Brotherly Love

I came out to my younger brother, Lee, last weekend and it was an ideal experience.
This is how the conversation started:

Draco: “So, Lee- there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about…”

Lee: “Draco- I already know. I’m not stupid.”

Draco: “Oh.”

You see, Lee had already found out about me back in high school- and lately he’s been asking my mom questions and I knew that he was suspicious of me again. His reaction was the best!

Lee: “Draco, you’re my brother and I’ll love you no matter what. Your happiness means a lot to me and I’m glad that you’re doing what makes you happy.”

And Lee almost never tells me that he loves me! During the course of the conversation he said it like 5 times! We talked for about an hour just laughing and being normal. I feel so lucky! Now I only have to worry about my youngest brother, Scott. I think he’ll be fine, though. He also knows from when I was in high school. I’ve asked my mom to talk to him about me before I do to give him some time to get re-used to the idea.

So that’s that- by far the easiest coming-out talk that I’ve ever had. I wish everyone would react the way that Lee did.

"I hope you're happy in the end"

I've been home for the holidays- it's so nice to be out of Utah for just a moment. I really can't stand living in Mormon central sometimes, but I suppose my attitude is partly to blame. Life's what you make it, after all (oh no- I think I just quoted a Hannah Montana song!). And to be honest, I actually am looking forward to returning to Provo; I've been a little lonely and feeling less than whole.

So, just like I promised myself, I talked to my dad this week about being gay. It went so much better than I had anticipated! First off, I came into the room and he was watching The Sound of Music- I couldn't have asked for a better backdrop for our conversation! I told him how I've been feeling and we talked a little about what may happen in the future. We actually did a lot of laughing and joking- it was just a normal conversation! My favorite part was when he smiled at me and told me that the 3 things that he hoped his children would never turn out to be was gay, Mormon, or drug addicts. 2 out of 3 for me- not bad :) I laughed and told him that's probably why he had me. He said that it's not what he would choose for me, but that I will always have his love and support and that he wants to see me settled and happy with whatever I choose to do. Today we went skiing with my brothers and everything was normal- I'm not acting like anything but myself and he's not treating me any differently. I feel so blessed!

The last three months have changed my life completely- "Who can say if I've been changed for the better? I do believe I have been changed for the better... and because I knew you, I have been changed for good..."
I feel so much more authentic than I used to! "I- I feel so alive- for the very first time, and I think I could fly!" Sorry- sometimes I can't stop the lyrics.

I'm so excited for this year! I feel like God is guiding me into the beginning of a life full of wonderment and happiness.

"I hope you're happy,
now that you're choosing this...
I hope it brings you bliss,
I really hope you get it
and you don't live to regret it-
I hope you're happy in the end-
I hope you're happy my friend...

"So if you care to find me
look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately,
everyone deserves a chance to fly!

"And if I'm flying solo,
at least I'm flying free!
To those who'd ground me,
take a message back from me-
Tell them how I am defying gravity!
I'm flying high defying gravity,
and soon I'll match them in renown!
And nobody in all of Oz,
no wizard that there is or was,
is ever gonna bring me down!"

I Don't Trust Myself with Loving You

I’ve been reading several posts on other moho blogs that address the issue of trying to date girls. Until now, I’ve been shy about sharing my own recent relationship experience, but I think it might be of benefit. Before I start storytelling, however, I want to say that I think the decision to try dating girls isn’t inherently right or wrong; I believe it may be appropriate for some of us, and a bad idea for others. And obviously it’s the only way that one can end up getting married in the temple. I only intend to relate the facts about my personal experience.

So, I got to BYU in January and decided that I needed to try dating girls, despite my SSA. I thought that maybe if I dated, then I could somehow purge my feelings toward other guys. I went on lots of dates with lots of girls, but just couldn’t see myself really pursuing things. And then Wendy came along. We actually had met the first day of school back in January, but we didn’t really get to know each other until spring came and we started spending time together. Let me tell you about Wendy so you’ll understand why I decided to date her in the first place. Wendy is pretty much the perfect girl. She is a return missionary, relief society president, musical, talented, beautiful, genuine, compassionate, funny, deep, spiritual titan. I thought that if there ever was a girl to whom I could feel a real emotional and physical attraction, it would definitely be her. So after a month of going on dates and becoming close friends, we started dating officially. I was excited and hoped against all odds that things would work out.

However, as the weeks progressed into months, my lack of attraction toward her became more and more blaringly obvious. We would kiss and hold hands and I hoped that this would change things; but things got worse. I could tell that she was really becoming invested in the relationship- I met her parents and her siblings and we started spending even more time together. And though I genuinely cared for her (and still do), I felt that I was deceiving her- almost living a double life in feigning attraction. But I was stubborn and wanted so badly for everything to be normal, so we continued dating. Finally, four months into the relationship, I couldn’t handle the mask any longer. I took Wendy for a walk and told her my whole gay story. She was devastated and extremely distraught. She felt like I had led her on and almost used her as an experiment. I can’t say that that’s entirely untrue. Isn’t that just what I did? And yet isn’t that also what the Church would want me to do? Try my very best to make things work? Then why do I feel so horrible about what I did? I really hurt her deeply. The whole time that we were dating I felt like I was being unfair to Wendy and to myself; I personally would never want to marry someone who isn’t madly in love with me- and I think that if I had kept running with the farce, Wendy and I could have ended up getting married. But I just don’t think I could have endured.

Wendy and I are still close friends. I love her but I’m not in love with her. And right now the possibility of ever falling in love with any girl is looking pretty impossible for me. I tried so hard- so hard, but even my best efforts led to failure. I find myself once more in the middle of the Dragon’s field, but I can’t say that this time I’m displeased to be there…

The Parental Debate

Four years ago I came out to my parents. They already suspected that I was gay, but it was still a bombshell for them. What hurt them the most, however, was the fact that I had confided in my friends and sought their advice and even the advice of some of their parents before I had trusted my parents with my dilemma. They were absolutely heartbroken and I still think my mom gets upset about it, even though it was so long ago.

After I joined the church I stopped talking with my parents about being gay and they didn’t bother to bring up the issue- not until my mom asked me about it a year ago when I got home from the mission. I snapped at her and told her I never wanted to talk about it again; she cried and I left the room. I’m sure that my parents still wonder about me. And now that I’m coming out again- even if I’m only peeking out of the closet- I wonder if I should go to them for advice and comfort. Even though they were disappointed when I came out in high school, they were so compassionate! They both wasted no time in telling me that they loved me just the same and only wanted to see me happy. I love them so much!! Oh man, I’m crying as I’m typing. Well, I could go on forever about how wonderful they are, but I’ll cut to the chase. I don’t know whether it would be wise for me to talk to them again. Have I already made the same mistake I made in high school- talking to my friends before I seek guidance from my parents- cutting my comfort off? But since my parents (and none of my extended family) are members of the church, I don’t want my homosexuality to somehow get in the way of the possibility of them joining the church in the future. I mean, they already have a hard enough time dealing with me being the black sheep Mormon of the family- my mom cries every time I talk about the temple or getting married because she can’t come. I definitely need to keep praying for guidance, but maybe one of you can be an inspired messenger- any suggestions?

And Then There Were 6...

I realize that I have done a lot of posting this week- I guess I've just had a lot on my mind. Now I think I'd like to put down a little bit of my history so you know what I mean when I say that I'm coming out for the second time. Midway through my senior year in high school, I finally gathered the courage to tell my friends and family what I had known for quite a long time. I started by telling my most liberal friends, which was the easiest and most reassuring. Then when I felt like I had enough moral support, I came out to my parents- my mom first and then my dad. They were pretty devastated. I had always grown up being taught that homosexuality was a horrible thing, which I think is true for a lot of children in Christian families. My family, though not LDS, are very religious and morally driven people. So once my parents knew, I started being less careful about who found out that I was gay. And of course, like all juicy news in high school, the word about me spread furiously. I was pretty well known at my high school since I was involved in choir, band, drama, and leadership activities, so even a lot of the underclassmen could enjoy the rumor. Unfortunately my younger brother, who was a freshman at the time, found out from someone else before I could tell him myself. He confronted me about it one day on the way to school- I remember him telling me that he thought it was gross, but at the same time he let me know that he was still my brother and that he loved me. That whole year and for much of his sophomore year as well, he had to endure a lot of teasing from classmates about me being gay. I still feel guilty about what I put him through, but love him so much for how he handled it. My mom told me that he always stuck up for me and would just tell people to shut-up if they said anything derogatory. What a stud!

Anyhow, I was out and excited about my new prospects; I was looking forward to going to college and dating guys. And then just when I thought that my world had already been turned upside down, Luisa and another dear friend of mine, Skyhawk, invited me to listen to the missionaries and go to church with them. You see, while I had been coming out I had also been going through a religious crisis. I wasn’t sure if I even believed in God anymore, but I wanted to find answers and to know how my homosexuality could fit into my spiritual beliefs. I admit it, I used to be kind of anti-Mormon- at least doctrinally anyway. Many of my good friends were Mormon, but I had always thought that they were kind of loony. So against all odds I ended up joining the Church about 8 months after I had come out (I’ll save the details for another time- it’s a very long and complicated story). A month after I was baptized I went to college where no one knew about me being gay. I just started over and decided not to talk to anyone about it ever again. My parents assumed that the gay thing had just been a “phase.” This was just over four years ago.

You can imagine that I was worried when I started my mission a year after having joined the church. I mean, 24 hours a day with other guys for two years straight? And I have to sleep in the same room and see them undress and act like it’s not awkward for me? But Heavenly Father really blessed me and my temptations during the mission were limited- it was like my sexuality was turned off so that I could focus on missionary work. I finished the mission sure that when I started school again, especially now that I had transferred to BYU, I would have no trouble dating girls and getting married within a year. Exactly one year ago today, I was released as a missionary- and here I am.

It didn’t take me long after I had come home to realize that my attractions toward guys had not gone away, as much as I wanted to deny this. But I was determined to make things work, so I started going on dates with girls when I got here in January, and in June I started dating a girl seriously. We just broke up last weekend, which is another story and one that I’m not sure I want to post. In short, it was a pretty painful event- I told her about my SSA and everything. Having a relationship with a girl, rather than suppressing my homosexual feelings, has only made them more obvious until they have become something which I cannot not keep to myself any longer. I am tired of hiding and lying and faking, so for the past few weeks I’ve been telling (and in some cases retelling) some of my closest friends about my dilemma. Apart from meeting moho family and family friends, I talked to Luisa, who had known about my SSA in high school and has been so patient and loving- she is my voice of reason when I am feeling confused. I also told another dear friend, Falula, with whom I have been the best of friends since I started college. She is a fellow convert and a true light and joy in my life. I don’t know where I would be without her! Then of course I talked to my late-girlfriend- I guess I’ll call her Wendy- and I’m still not sure how that’s going to turn out. Needless to say, after four months of dating, it was a huge blow for her. I also came out to a couple of my mission buddies- Ricky, who was one of my favorite companions, and Tito, who was never technically my companion, but we were just as close as companions. Today- oh, in about an hour or so, I’m going to lunch with another favorite mission companion, Ken, and I think he’ll be the last person I come out to for now. And I guess that makes six- six people outside the moho world to keep tabs on me- to help me be sure that whatever ends up happening, I’ll have plenty of support. So to Luisa, Falula, Wendy, Ricky, Tito, and Ken- thank you for being understanding about something that a lot of people can’t handle, and thank you for being so caring. I love you all!

Signs and Confessions

Now that you know a little bit of what’s going on inside my head (and trust me, there is more to come), I guess I’ll share a little bit about myself.

So as I’ve been coming out to some of my close friends recently, I’ve been wondering if they kind of knew all along. After all, I kind of fit the stereotypical mold of gayness- but maybe I’ve been good at hiding it? I made a list this morning during one of my classes of things that might appear, well, pretty gay to other people. So this is a chance for me to be proud of these things instead of feeling embarrassed about who I am. Especially for those of you who know me, I hope you’ll get a laugh out of this.

-I love shopping, unless it’s at someplace like Home Depot
-I have gone shopping just to buy chap-stick
-I have all the songs from Wicked memorized- “Don’t wish, don’t start- wishing only wounds the heart… he could be that boy, but I’m not that girl.”
-The ring tone on my cell phone is from Wicked.
-I like to sing along with Celine Dion- in the same octave. I also have Madonna, N’Sync, BSB, Britney, Christina, Alanis, Hanson, Jewel, Amy Grant, Darren Hayes, Jesse McCartney, Justin, Mariah, and everything Broadway on my i-pod. Is that bad?
-I have taken ballet and I liked wearing tights. Yes, I liked it!
-I pluck my eyebrows.
-The hairspray that I’m using right now is called “Herbal Essences- White Nectarine and Pink Coral Flower. Oh man, it smells so good!
-Speaking of hairspray- definitely the hottest movie of the summer!
-I’ve colored my hair 5 times this year- in fact, I think I’m due for number 6 pretty quick here…
-I don’t like watching sports. Except during the Olympics when they show the men’s diving and swimming… yep.
-I have softer hands than most girls and even some babies.
-When I went home for summer break, I spent a whole day watching a marathon on Bravo of America’s Top Designer- such a great show, but I was kind of bummed when the cute guy got kicked off- I guess he had it coming; his clothes were too gay.
-This is one of my favorite backgrounds that I put on my desktop -->
-I like using those mud facial masks.
-My handwriting is “really pretty.” Seriously, I’ve made girls jealous.
-One of my favorite movies is The Matthew Shepard Story. Another one is The Little Mermaid.
-I used to wear a thumb ring.
-I have a crush on Matt Damon, Sean Austin, and (sigh) Zac Efron.

And actually the signs go all the way back to fourth grade-
-I had a bright purple coat.
-I had Lisa Frank folders for my homework- the jumping dolphins were so cute!
-All the girls used to play wall ball at recess and no boys were allowed. They gave me the nickname “Frutia” so that I could play with them. I remember my mom was really concerned when she heard this, but she just didn’t understand- I mean it was just a nickname…
-And by 6th or 7th grade I was sure that I didn’t like girls like the other boys did- but all the boys started looking pretty attractive. By the time I started my freshman year in high school, I knew that I was (gulp) gay.

I’m sure I could add to this list; it was far too easy to make. So now you know some of my gay little secrets and tendencies. You know, I usually get offended (despite Elder Bednar’s council) when people call things “gay” or “homo.” But maybe we’re partly to blame, you know? After all, we’re the ones who make all of these “gay” things seem gay. I guess as long as it’s not used derogatorily, I can keep my cool if someone calls some hot new song or some smokin’ piece of clothing “gay.” Yeah, I think that’s a dandy way of handling things. (Man, that last sentence was gay!)