"One day our generation..."

I took my dear friend Luisa with me to the Matis’s FHE yesterday and she had a wonderful time. :) Luisa comes from a nuclear LDS family; her father is in the stake presidency, her mother is an amazing do-everything woman, and all of her siblings are active and have been married (or will be getting married quite soon) in the temple. Luisa and I grew up together, and in high school I remember her being one of the most conservative people ever and she was very outspoken about her views. She was the one who invited me to church and to listen to the missionaries. Since then she has been through a few years of college and served a mission, and now I think she’s become more of a moderate, even embracing some liberal ideas.

Luisa was so excited to see people that she knew at the FHE. She hurried over to them laughing and bubbling. :) When they saw her they gave her a look and asked, “Wait, are you…?” She told me later as she was looking around the room, “You know, I don’t know which ones are "family" and which ones aren’t, and it doesn’t really matter. Maybe some people here think I am "family"- I don’t really care!”

I was happy to see that she felt so comfortable in that environment, where I’m sure a lot of Mormons would not. It gives me hope that with time, more and more people will become more understanding of our situation- looking past the “ick-factor” of SSA and reaching out with loving arms.

(I love you Luisa!)

Homosexuality in Heaven?

Okay, so I think it’s natural for me to hope that homosexual companionship exists in heaven because this is a union of two things that I really want. Unfortunately for me, the majority of Christians and probably an even larger majority of latter-day saints think that this idea is blasphemous; it’s all in the scriptures- I mean just look at what happened to Sodom and Gomorra! On the flip side, I am free to believe whatever I want about heavenly homosexuality- as long as I don’t go preaching it as doctrine. This fact has led me to wonder if there is even the remotest possibility of having another guy as an eternal companion. So this is what I’ve come up with- perhaps it’s a laughable theory, but then again, aren’t there a lot of religious ideas that we have as Mormons that are subject to scoffing and ridicule?

Men are that they might have joy, right? So does a homosexual relationship provide real joy or just passing pleasure like any common sin? I think that if I were to marry another guy, I would be sincerely happy. Of course there would be the physical satisfaction, but the relationship would go so much deeper than that. It would entail trust, comfort, generosity, kindness, caring, and real joy. It would not just be the passing pleasure or perceived happiness that comes from things like alcohol, drugs, fornication, or pornography- not that I am familiar with those things. No, I want a relationship full of charity, patience, and peace. So if a committed homosexual marriage would bring me joy, why is it forbidden? Or do I just imagine that it would bring me lasting joy, when in reality the relationship would end at death and I would end up in hell, which doesn’t sound like a very joyous place at all. It’s clear that real joy- the kind that the scriptures talk about- is spiritual and not temporal.

Then maybe I need to ask whether or not my homosexual attractions are a result of my mortal body, or if they are part of my spirit. If attraction comes only as a result of having an imperfect body, then my argument isn’t that great. But we have spirits inside of us, and can’t one spirit or intelligence be attracted to another? I certainly think so. Two people do not get married (or at least they shouldn’t get married) based on mere physical attraction. No, the heavier weight should be given to spiritual attraction- attraction to who the person is, not their appearance. And I’m not just talking about the personality attraction between two friends; I’m implying love- romantic, spiritual, deep love. Doctrine and Covenants teaches us that our intelligences are eternal and were not created. So if I can spiritually be drawn to other guys, it’s logical to say that this tendency has always been a part of who I am and will continue to be an inherent trait into the eternities. If this is true, then why would a loving Heavenly Father not have accommodations in his plan for spirits like mine? I already am seeing some holes in the argument- maybe I’ll flesh it out later, but you get the idea.

Paradoxical Ponderings

I love philosophy. I love to wonder about things- to seek light and truth. I guess this whole blogging thing is just a way for me to express the thoughts and events that I don't usually share with my friends and family because, well, they're all either not gay or not Mormon. It's so frustrating to not have anyone who really understands you- at least anyone who is not deity. Lately I've been pondering and praying about how homosexuality makes any sense at all. Why would God allow this to happen to me? I know that's a pretty trite question which has an equally trite answer: to try me, to humble me, to help me grow. Of course I agree with these answers, but somehow, there still seems to be something that doesn't fit. I guess the question that follows is whether or not God gave me this burden. At the very least, he allows it to persist.

According to church doctrine, the feelings of attraction that I have are not sinful because I cannot control them, but it is bad to act on them in any way. Homosexuality is kind of unique in that way- a sin which only becomes a sin in action, but not in thought. Compare this to lust (which goes beyond feelings of attraction). One begins to sin with thoughts which lead to sinful actions. And what about anger? Angry thoughts can be just as sinful as the words and actions often born of those same thoughts. Stealing has its seeds in covetous thoughts, which are obviously sinful.

"A man does not come to the almshouse or the jail by the tyranny or fate of circumstance, but by the pathway of groveling thoughts and base desires." -James Allan

So all these sins have roots in sinful thoughts. But homosexuality is different. There is nothing wrong with me feeling attracted (not lusting) toward another guy. These thoughts are not sinful. However, as soon as I act on them in any way- kissing for example, which is a perfectly acceptable effect of heterosexual attraction, then I have sinned, according to LDS doctrine. Why is that? Why would Heavenly Father allow me to have non-sinful thoughts and feelings that promote sinful behavior? Some would say, "Well, we're all tempted; there's no sin in temptation. I can be tempted to steal, but as long as I repress the thought and make room for good thoughts, then the initial thought of stealing is not a sin." But homosexual attractions aren't passing thoughts that go away if you hum your favorite hymn. I don't think anyone can say that they have the temptation to steal, or commit murder, or have sex at every minute of every day. But I AM attracted to guys all the time- it is not the same. "Oh yes it is- it's just a temptation that you have to resist." No- there is a difference between temptation and attraction. I can resist, avoid, and even eliminate temptation ("It is our own desires which determine the sizing and the attractiveness of various temptations." -Neal A. Maxwell), but I cannot eliminate an attraction. If you're heterosexual, try it. Just stop being attracted to the opposite sex. Unless you're some freak of nature, you can't.

Let me add one more twist to my question. There are only worthy and unworthy thoughts and feelings- no in-between thoughts or feelings. Either a thought or feeling impedes my personal worthiness, or it is acceptable and does not impede my worthiness. Certainly some worthy thoughts and feelings are better than others, (it is more uplifting to think about God's love than which brand of cereal to purchase) yet they all fall into the same category of worthy thoughts. Think of it this way: having pondered about cereal brands one minute will not impede me from giving a priesthood blessing the next. Now, as I already mentioned, homosexual attraction (which could be a thought or a feeling or both), as defined by general authorities, is not something that causes personal unworthiness- as long as I don't go lusting which is just as unworthy to do for a heterosexual. So we can say that homosexual attractions are worthy feelings, insofar as they do not make me unworthy. Here's the question again: Why would God give me worthy gay feelings (or at least gay feelings that are not unworthy) that I cannot follow worthily?

Now in my head I am thinking, "Draco, you're just mingling the philosophies of men with scripture and twisting words, and you know who else does that!" I admit that last paragraph is kind of a stretch- but remember, these are just musings and ponderings- not firm beliefs. I see no wrong in searching for answers to questions that I think are very pertinent to my salvation. God gave me reason, so I would be foolish not to use it. And of course the only way to confirm human reasoning is through divine confirmation (prayer), to which principle I hold fast. I'm sitting on the fence right now, and I don't think I can jump one way or the other until I'm sure that I'm leaping into safe pastures. "Well you won't receive any witness until after the trial of your faith!" And yet to which side of the fence should I invest my faith? Should I have faith in church doctrine and attempt to abandon homosexuality, or should I have faith that my feelings of attraction are acceptable and try kissing boys? I am so confused.