Monday, December 3, 2007

Of the Devil

I know that my last post was about tolerance, however, there are certain things that are absolutely intolerable. The following is possibly the strongest philosophical argument that I have come up with to date. I want to address one of the most serious sins that Mormons commit- and if you have committed this sin then you automatically lose 100 points. I’m talking about the plague of plagues- that disgusting practice called scrapbooking. What? You think it’s harmless? Oh, oh- you have been deceived! Here is my unshakeable proof to show you how scrapbooking is of the Devil.

1) At least 95 percent of scrapbooking is kitschy (for those who are unfamiliar with this word, it basically connotes tackiness, suckiness, ugliness, doilyness, and granny decorationsness).

2) Scrapbooking is a waste of time. You could be playing with your children, spending time with your family, reading a good book, or alphabetizing your soups; pretty much anything is more productive. Why spend hours on end kitsching up your photo album when you and your posterity will almost never look at it. I see no problem with keeping a regular photo album- it’s nice to look back on happy times- but seriously, is decorating your album going to make the memories any happier. No. If anything it will just kitschify your memories.

3) Scrapbooking is a waste of money. Someone could start a college fund for their child with the amount they spend on scrapbooking.

4) Satan wants us to waste our time, waste our money, our talents, and he likes kitschy things.

5) Therefore, Satan wants you to do scrapbooking (!).

“But people like my scrapbooks!” you might say. They’re just lying to you. When you pull out the scrapbook to show to your poor guests, you think you’re sharing memories with them. But at the same time you’re implicitly saying, “Here, hold this waste-of-time book for a while and look at all the kitschyness.” And if the person is not a scrapbooker, they say, “Okay- wow, this is pretty fancy!” They are really thinking, “Okay- wow, this person sure wasted a lot of time on this kitschy book.” If the person is a fellow scrapbooker, then they’re really thinking, “Oh, I hope my scrapbook is cooler than this one. If it’s not then it’s off to Scrapbook Heaven to load up on ribbons and kitty cat stickers!”

See? Satan likes people to scrapbook. It also causes other people to waste their time. Now I’m not saying that scrapbooking is damnable (though I wouldn’t be surprised if the issue came up in General Conference), but I’m almost positive that all your scrapbooks are going to hell- where they belong! Sorry.


Abelard Enigma said...

Seeing as how my wife works in a scrapbooking store and teaches scrapbooking classes, I feel bound to defend her honor!

Them are pretty strong words coming from a gay guy - are you sure you're not just jealous?

There are some big advantages for scrapbooking

* It's better to get the kitschy out of her system in the form of a relatively harmless scrapbook than to risk doing it to the whole house

* It gives us something we can do together - I take pictures of the kids and grandkids then she sticks them in a book at attaches all sorts of doodads to them.

* At least she's not doing drugs

* And, uh, hmmmm

OK, those are all of the reasons I can think of right now; but, if I had more time I'm sure I could think of others.

Calvin said...

Let us be clear that the desire to scrapbook alone does not make us unworthy. The temptations may be powerful, but they are never so strong as to deprive us of our freedom of choice.

We should also avoid obsession with or concentration on scrapbooking feelings. It's better to choose as friends those who do not publicly display their desire to scrapbook.

Um, also avoid sexual intimacy with scrapbooks.

Abelard Enigma said...

avoid sexual intimacy with scrapbooks


That's revolting, disgusting, and just generally icky

Wait a sec! That is sounding a lot like what other people say about people like us.

We need to work on becoming more tolerant of alternative hobbies!

playasinmar said...

Hwy Abelard, you guys need any pink flamingo-things for your front lawn? :)

draco said...

No no no- this post is in no way meant to be analogous to homosexuality. I have plenty of other philosophical posts about that issue.

I'm talking scrapbooking and only scrapbooking. No subtle messages. No innuendos.

Abelard- You put up a decent argument, but I'm tempted to say that even doing drugs would be better than scrapbooking(!). And you say that your wife teaches classes on kitschyness!!?? Things are getting worse than I thought!! Down with kitschyness! Down with kitschyness! (shaking fist in the air) Down with kitschyness!

I should organize a march.

Abelard Enigma said...

Are you sure you're not just jealous because you want to scrapbook too?

Ya know, sometimes, the biggest opponents turn out to be closet cases themselves. Just ask Larry Craig and Ted Haggard.

draco said...

Nope- no jealousy here. I would do drugs before I scrapbooked hehe.

Abelard Enigma said...

Denial ain't just a river in egypt :)

draco said...

Does anyone have some heroin lying around? Anyone? :b

biggins said...

Sorry, no heroin, but I have also never met anyone who scrapbooks, at least not that I know of. Maybe that's just one more great blessing of being from the East coast. But from what I've heard about it, I think it would drive me to narcotics too.

Pan said...

Them's fightin' words! And your picture reminds me of Aunt Vivian's Prison for Ne'er Do Wells :).

Neal said...


You're SO RIGHT about scrapbooking, but I'm afraid even you have been decieved. The MOST intolerable domestic sin in the ENTIRE Church is the Relief Society practice of crocheting POT HOLDERS!!! This goes so far beyond kitschy it doesn't have a name...


draco said...

That does sound frightening Neal! Perhaps I haven't been a member of the church long enough to have been exposed to this beyond-kitschy practice (shudders just thinking about it). But you can bet that somewhere out there some sister has made a scrapbook page about their last stake relief society pot holder making activity (shudders again).

Neal said...

Touch not the evil gift! Especially if its a scrapbook with a crocheted pot holder in it! (races to Borders to find a copy of Architectural Digest to put under his pillow at night. Wards off evil better than garlic)

Skyhawk said...

Wow. I didn't know scrapbooking caused so much anger.

I'll stick with my sports, then, so I don't offend you, Draco.

Forester said...

I LOVE architectural digest, but Dwell is even better, and I'd like to say how grateful I am that my wife does not scrapbook or tole paint or make house decorations out of wood cut outs or nit or crochet or any of these natural resource wasting activities.