Teach Us Tolerance And Love

My favorite:

“The qualities most needed are charity and tolerance, not some form of fanatical faith such as is offered to us by the various rampant isms.” -Bertrand Russell

“Arguing is a sure sign of either pride or insecurity.” -Anonymous

“Too often pity is mistaken for charity, when it is really just pride in disguise.” -Anonymous

“Judging is a lonely job in which a man is, as near as may be, an island entire.” -Abe Fortas

“The more arguments you win, the less friends you will have.” -American Proverb

“Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.” -Benjamin Franklin

“There is no suffering which pity will not insult.” -Anonymous

“I believe all Americans who believe in freedom, tolerance and human rights have a responsibility to oppose bigotry and prejudice based on sexual orientation.” -Coretta Scott King

“Don't brood. Get on with living and loving. You don't have forever.” -Anonymous

And my other favorite:

“We must work harder to build mutual respect, an attitude of forbearance, with tolerance one for another regardless of the doctrines and philosophies which we may espouse. Concerning these you and I may disagree. But we can do so with respect and civility” -Gordon B. Hinckley

And one I disagree with:

“But in discussing this topic, we must recognize at the outset that there is a difference between tolerance and tolerate. Your gracious tolerance for an individual does not grant him or her license to do wrong, nor does your tolerance obligate you to tolerate his or her misdeed.” -Russell M. Nelson

I don’t feel like explaining why I don’t agree with this quote right now, especially after I have included the quotes about arguing (and yes, I realize I’m disagreeing with an apostle). Maybe later…

Waking Up

"The man who has no tincture of philosophy goes through life imprisoned in the prejudices derived from common sense, from the habitual beliefs of his age or his nation, and from convictions which have grown up in his mind without the co-operation or consent of his deliberate reason. To such a man the world tends to become definite, finite, obvious; common objects rouse no questions, and unfamiliar possibilities are contemptuously rejected. Philosophy... is able to suggest many possibilities which enlarge our thoughts and free them from the tyranny of custom... it removes the somewhat arrogant dogmatism of those who have never traveled into the region of liberating doubt, and it keeps alive our sense of wonder by showing familiar things in an unfamiliar aspect." -Bertrand Russell

Just the Weight of the World

I’ve noticed a peculiar phenomenon in blogolandia. For some reason people comment way more on posts that are negative, attacking, soap boxy, or controversial than on posts about positive, happy, non-confrontational, or agreeable things. This said, I anticipate very meager commenting on this post, unless some people feel like compensating or wish to prove me wrong and leave a comment when they would normally say nothing at all. :)

I really believe in the Atonement of Jesus Christ. This past year has arguably been the best and the worst year of my life. Isn’t it comforting to know that despite all the ups and downs we go through, all the changes, all the extremes- from suicidal throes to top-of-the-mountain happiness- that something remains unshakable and constant? Christ’s love and mercy are always present. One of my favorite scriptural phrases is, “His hand is stretched out still…” Even when it feels like the world is against you, Christ is always routing for you, and that is a very reassuring thought. Even when we stray, Christ doesn’t stop caring and encouraging us to do what is right.

Everything really does point back to that great and last sacrifice.

Only Ice Cream, Never Sundaes

I drove home this week to spend Thanksgiving with my family. It’s a very long drive, so I had plenty of time to do some serious self reflecting, meditating and praying. I was specifically praying about love- what it is and how it applies to my situation. Love is such a precious and uplifting experience, yet there are so many people that go through life never experiencing what it’s like to fall in love- to give your heart to another person completely and have their heart in return.

I have spent the last year trying to fall in love with girls with no success. I have loved them as friends, but I have not been able to give them my heart. I’ve considered celibacy, but I can’t imagine living deprived of love- that feeling that is supposed to make you more Christ-like and brings real happiness. I understand that there are some within the church, most of them single women, who never have the opportunity to fall in love and get married. It can be argued that if they can manage, so can I. The difference is that I do have the opportunity to fall in love. Man was not meant to be alone, but that is what the church would have me do. Yet as I pray, I again deeply feel that I should not let the chance to fall in love pass me by- even if that means falling in love with another guy. I feel so peaceful about this proposition, though it clearly runs against the grain of orthodoxy. I don’t care; I feel closer to Heavenly Father now than I have for the last year, so I think I'm going to trust my feelings, close my eyes, and leap.

Here’s one of my new favorite quotes about love:

“You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain, lies, hate... It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and... What I'm trying to say… is... I think I love you. Is this love? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no fits. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.” –Yvaine (Claire Danes) Stardust

Thank you clarity

I got to visit my friend skyhawk and his wonderful wife yesterday evening. I had such a good time with them; we had homemade macaroni and burritos for dinner- it was awesome :) I love it when people behave like themselves and you feel like yourself when you’re around them- definitely one of the measures of true friendship in my book.

As I was driving back to Provo after dinner, I started praying about things- specifically about whether or not what I’m doing is right. I won’t go into the details of the prayer, but as I was listening for the Holy Ghost and contemplating things, I felt such a sincere sense of happiness and peace- and most of all the feeling that everything is going to be okay. It was a wonderful Sunday drive. :)

I’m really looking forward to the break this week. I’m going home for Thanksgiving to spend some time with my family. I mentioned in an earlier post that I have been debating whether or not I should re-come-out to my parents. My mother made it really easy for me last week; she called me and said that she felt like there has been something bothering me that I wasn’t sharing with her. I jumped on the opportunity and let her know what I’ve been feeling and what I’ve been up to lately. She was not surprised at all; in fact she told me that she thought I had been running away from the problem for the past 4 years- that joining the church had been an attempted escape from gayness. She let me know how she felt about living a homosexual lifestyle and expressed her worry for my health (I wouldn’t expect anything less from her :)) and then, most importantly, she told me that I am still the same person in her eyes and that she still expects me home for Christmas, even if that means someday bringing home a boyfriend or husband lol :) It will be fun to go on a date with her this week and continue to talk things out. As for my dad, my mom advised me to wait for a while, and so I will- I don’t want to dampen the holidays for him. So right now I’m thinking the 26^th or 27^th of December. :)

I am immensely grateful this year for so many things. I have been starting each day with a positive attitude lately and it is making a world of difference.

Utopia

"We'd gather around all in a room, fasten our belts engage in dialogue,
We'd all slow down, rest without guilt not lie without fear, disagree sans judgement,

We would stay and respond and expand and include and allow and forgive and enjoy and evolve and discern and inquire and accept and admit and divulge and open and reach out and speak up

This is utopia, this is my utopia
This is my ideal, my end in sight
Utopia, this is my utopia,
This is my nirvana
My ultimate.

We'd open our arms, we'd all jump in, we'd all coast down into safety nets
We would share and listen and support and welcome, be propelled by passion, not invest in outcomes, we would breathe and be charmed and amused by difference, be gentle and make room for every emotion

We'd provide forums, we'd all speak out, we'd all be heard, we'd all feel seen,
We'd rise post-obstacle more defined more grateful, we would heal be humbled and be unstoppable, we'd hold close and let go and know when to do which, we'd release and disarm and stand up and feel safe

This is utopia, this is my utopia
This is my ideal, my end in sight
Utopia, this is my utopia,
This is my nirvana
My ultimate."

-Alanis Morissette

Happy is what Happens

It’s been a little more than a month since I started blogging and re-coming out to people. These last few weeks have been some of the most exciting, turbulent, joyful, painful and peaceful times that I can remember- a definite circus of emotions; I couldn’t have hoped for a better welcome into moholandia! Admittedly I’ve made a cannonball dive into the moho pool (some might think of it more as a belly-flop) and my splashing has gotten some people pretty wet as they’ve tried to keep me from drowning, and for this I sincerely apologize. I want to thank Brady, Therapevo Ydata, Calvin, Pan, Kengo, Romulus, and Peter for helping me learn to begin to swim and for enduring my waterworks.

So where do I stand now? Well, I feel really peaceful about where I’m at. I think I’m starting to come to terms with who I am and what life may have in store for me. I’m still not clear on every issue, but at least I don’t feel stagnate anymore.

And where do I stand regarding the Church? If it isn’t obvious yet, I’ve been wavering for a long time. I still find peace in prayer, scripture study, and even attending church- I can’t stop being a spiritual person- that’s just not an option. I still have a firm faith in the Atonement and in Heavenly Father’s perfect love. But I am struggling to believe other things that I thought I knew. But as I said, despite my testimony troubles, I feel happier and more alive and at peace than I have ever felt before.

“The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.” - Galatians 5:22-23

“Wickedness never was happiness.” - Alma 41:10