Hooray for Connecticut!

Three down, forty-seven to go. Hopefully that won't go back up to forty-eight in November. I am so disgusted with the church's reaction to gay marriage in California. I have yet to hear even one nominally cogent argument against gay marriage. Please, if you have one, let me know. I'd like to think that those who will be voting for Proposition 8 are not complete idiots- that there must be some good reasons for their support of what seems to me like a selfish, incompassionate, un-Christian, discriminatory proposition.

Limbo No More

The last few months I have been trying to reassess what spirituality and religion and God all mean to me. When I joined the church it was easy- everything was placed in front of me and I just had to do what everyone else was doing. God was like this, the Holy Ghost felt like this; it was a matter of jumping into the rut and trenching in. Since I’ve climbed out, it has been refreshing to finally breathe new air and see things that I was not seeing before, but I confess I’ve felt a little lost now and then. It can be difficult to embrace a nearly blank slate. But I think in the end it will be so much more spiritually rewarding than anything the rut had to offer. I foresee a much more personal connection with heaven because I will be searching for what is right for me instead of following a brown formula. I do that- I think of things in colors. The church and the rut and the formula are all brown in my mind. And not like a rich library brown or a Hershey brown- more like a decaying grayish brown- think cold oatmeal. Now the world outside the rut- I feel bright green and blue, silver, white, and violet. I guess I have to think of this new world as more of an open horizon and wonderment of colors than a strange wilderness of intimidating hues. It’s time to fill up my new space- I finally have room to run!

My house, my role
My friends, my man
My devotion to God
All amorphous, indefinite

Nothing's been clear
Nothing's been in
Nothing's felt true
And I've never had both feet in
Nothing's belonged
Nothing's been yes
Nowhere's been home
And I'm ready to be limbo no more

My taste, my peers
My identity, my affiliation
All amorphous, indefinite

Nothing's been clear
Nothing's been in
Nothing's felt true
And I've never had both feet in
Nothing's belonged
Nothing's been yes
Nowhere's been home
And I'm ready to be limbo no more

I sit with filled frames
And my books and my dogs at my feet
My friends by my side
My past in a heap
Thrown out most of my things
Only kept what I need to carve
Something consistent and notably me

Tattoo on my skin
My teacher's in heart
My house is a home
Something at last I can feel a part of
Sense of myself
My purpose is clear
My roots in the ground
Something at last I can feel a part of
Something aligned
To finally commit
Somewhere I belong
Cause I'm ready to be limbo no more
My wisdom applied
A firm foundation
A vow to myself
'Cause I'm ready to be limbo no more

Bravery and Cowardice

Who is the coward? I am sure that there are gay Mormons out there who would label those who leave the church to pursue a homosexual lifestyle as cowards; they’re too weak to keep the commandments- too pusillanimous to follow what they know in their hearts to be true. They’re taking the easy way out.

Who is the coward? I am sure that there are gay Mormon renegades out there who would label those who choose to stay in the church as cowards; they’re too craven to leave what is comfortable, acceptable, and safe- too weak to genuinely explore and embrace their identity. They’re taking the easy way out.

Who is the coward? Who is insecure?

So if you care to find me...

Hooray for California! It's about time.

Meet Mr. Nietzsche

Friedrich Nietzsche is perhaps most well known as a philosopher for his quote “God is dead and we have killed him.” He thought Christians were brainwashed slaves- slaves of traditions and morals that favored underachievement (what Christians call humility), and of deception (the fact that we have a biased, self-glorifying concept of “good”). What then is “good” in Nietzsche’s mind? The will to power- that doesn’t necessarily mean power over other people; rather, Nietzsche is referring to having power over oneself. In other words, people should try to overcome the temptation to blindly accept widely held truths or traditions and be brave enough to question, delving into the unknown. In my mind, that is what takes real humility and courage.

Nietzsche also condemns Christianity for parading as a love-filled way of life when so much of it is based in hatred and pity. The Christian doctrine of Final Judgment, he says, was born out of a bitter resentment that the lower class held toward the wealth and power of the noble class. Today it simply serves as a way for any Christian to feel satisfied that their enemies, the people that they envy, and those who belong to any opposing order of society will be punished, securing eternal power and superiority for the Christian.

Of course, I don't agree with everything that Nietzsche teaches (and I still consider myself to be a Christian), but I think his point of view deserves fair consideration. I think that most Christians, whether consciously or subconsciously passing judgments, fit Nietzsche's description- I know I certainly have felt a sense of validation or vindication on several occasions when I have reassured myself that some mean or stuck-up person would get theirs at Judgment Day. And I'm sure that there are plenty of Christians out there who rest easy because the feminists, the intellectuals, and the gays will all get their comeuppance in hell (or in the terrestrial kingdom, if you prefer). Am I wrong to think that this doesn't sound like a very loving way to think about other people? Really, it's not surprising at all that atheism is so popular. I think we all should be a little more Nietzschean.

So This is Gay

The school year is almost over (at least for me :)) and I’ve been thinking about how much life has changed since September. It’s been over six months now since I started coming out again and since I started dating boys. I didn’t really wait very long at all in the beginning to get my feet wet; I think it was less than a week after I started this blog when I got into a relationship, and I haven’t stopped dating since. I don’t want to sound like a floozy- I’ve only dated two boys ;)

I still have a lot of coming out to do- most of which I will probably save for post-Provo life- but I have come out to my immediate family and all of my closest friends. My family has only become more positive about my gayness and with the idea of me dating boys. In fact, I’ll be taking one home with me at the end of the month and my parents are looking forward to meeting him.

From all this dating and coming out I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’ve learned what it means to fall in love. I’ve seen both my selfish and selfless extremes. I’ve found out more about just how splendidly joyous and how knifishly (I think I just stole that word from Pan) painful life can be. I’ve also learned some less serious things about me- like how incredibly attractive I find boys with squinty eyes (Josh Hartnett style!), how I love dancing in cages, and how I look really good with eyeliner lol.

I definitely like who I now more than who I was last year. No more dragon-fighting, no more emotional masochism, and no more pretending- just me.

Grievances

So I hope you all caught on to my April Fools joke- It made me laugh :P I have to give half of the credit to Alanis, who once again pulled through with the perfect lyrics. She pretty much is the best lyricist ever.

I've had several conversations in the last 6 months in which I've been told that I am taking the easy way out. I want to be gay so I'm picking at the church's doctrine concerning homosexuality to justify my way out of Mormonism. This bothers me. First of all, I am not taking the easy way out. The way I'm heading is just as difficult with just as many problems along the way. Second, the church's position on homosexuality is not the only thing that rubs me the wrong way. I have already explained a little bit about why I'm feeling disenchanted with organized religion in general, but I would like to make a list of all the things that are specifically driving me away from Mormonism, aside from the gay issue.

Treatment of Blacks- The best that the church can say is that it does not know why Blacks were treated differently than other members, but that God commanded it. Denying temple and priesthood privileges based on race is disgusting and seems far from divinely inspired.

Knowing- I've already explained this one on several other occasions.

Commandments that do not deal with moral issues- These seem like sounding brass and tinkling cymbals.

The Book of Abraham- In my opinion, this has been proven to be a fabrication.

Twisting scripture for convenience- especially in the New Testament.

No questioning authority- I've already explained this one in other posts.

Elitism- And this one.

Denial of mistakes

Emotional manipulation

I had a doctrine and covenants professor who taught us that each church doctrine is like a book that we find in the giant gospel library (I'm already gagging on this analogy). Every time we find a book that we find distasteful or that we think is wrong, we should just put it back on the shelf and say "I hate this book and I can't understand it, but I trust that it belongs in the library and that it is important." We can come back to the book later, when we're more prepared (brainwashed) to swallow its chapters.

I'm sorry, but I just can't do this. Everything about it feels so wrong. I can't surrender reason and free thinking to conformity.

Hmmm- I didn't mean to end up sounding so bitingly bitter and anti-Mormon. And I'm sorry if the painting of Martin Luther seems a little pretentious of me. I just wanted to make clear that while the church's stance on homosexuality does bother me, there are plenty of other church doctrines that I find irreconcilable with my conception of God and his perfect nature. Even if the church suddenly changed it's view on homosexuality, I don't think it would change the way I feel.

I Told You So

Back in December, I posted about the evils of scrapbooking. Some of you retaliated, and foolishly so! Let me quote the last paragraph from that post:

“Satan likes people to scrapbook. It also causes other people to waste their time. Now I’m not saying that scrapbooking is damnable (though I wouldn’t be surprised if the issue came up in General Conference), but I’m almost positive that all your scrapbooks are going to hell- where they belong! Sorry.”

I hope that all of you heard Elder Ballard in the Sunday afternoon session of general conference when he mentioned scrapbooking in a list of activities that people do to WASTE THEIR TIME! There you go- I told you so! Feel free to mail your scrapbooks to me; I will happily burn them and flush the ashes down the toilet.

I Forgot My Keys...er...Broomstick

Okay- so the point of my last post was to say that I was planning on taking a break from blogging. But I had to come back for just a minute to share something a little bit monumental.

After six months of searching and philosophizing and praying about what I should be doing with my life, I've realized that I've been (sigh) on the wrong track. I've decided to completely embrace the doctrines of the church once more and go back to where I was one year ago. Why the change of heart? I guess it's because after going back and reading all of the comments that I've received on previous posts, I've realized that the church is always right.

I've also met someone that has stolen away my heart- and I'm shocked to say that it's a girl. I've already told her all about my ssa and she's been so understanding; she has a younger brother who also suffers from the same affliction, so it's something she's had lots of time to think about. She's coming home with me for spring break to hang out with my family- it's going to be awesome! My parents are (needless to say) very surprised, but excited to meet her.

So I guess I'll be going back in the closet again. I've been rereading everything that the church teaches about ssa, and I've come to the conclusion that if I want to overcome the suffering and temptations, then I should stop talking about them except with my councilor and bishop. I also need to stop associating with other mohos (a term which I will no longer use to describe myself- I am a latter-day saint and I don't want my ssa problem to define me) because I need to avoid even the appearance of sin. I also know that if I'm around others who share my issue that I will fall into temptation and start down the slippery slope to hell.

You know I love lyrics- so here's the perfect song for turning over an old leaf:

I won't see my dear friends as much
Male friends especially, I'll no longer be in touch
I'll change my hobbies to match yours
I'll stop reading my favorite books
I won't spend all this selfish time alone
I'll cater to you and hang on your every word

I'll be subservient and spineless
I'll lick your boots as empty shells
I'll be opinion-less and silent
I'll be the prettiest appendage to ever lose herself

I'll redefine self-sacrifice
Live my life as apologetic compromise
I'll know you'd leave if I rock the boat

I'll be subservient and spineless
I'll lick your boots as empty shells
I'll be opinion-less and silent
I'll be the prettiest appendage to ever lose herself

I feel this, truly proclaimed will help the curbing of this tendency
I know this sharing of shame will ensure that I won't forget myself so easily

I'll be low maintenance and agreeable
I will not talk about my dreams so much
I'll listen to you for hours, won't need anything

I'll be subservient and spineless
I'll lick your boots as empty shells
I'll be opinion-less and silent
I'll be the prettiest appendage to ever lose herself
-Alanis Morissette

Disappearing Act

"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained." -Mark Twain

Down with Big Brother

I think that I'm slowly changing my mind.

I've been wanting to say that the church is the right choice for anyone who sincerely feels that the church is true- I think I've been using the phrase "live and momentous option." But now I'm not so sure. If believing in church doctrine fosters bigotry, belittling, pride, elitism, and most of all if it hinders a person from thinking for themselves, then the option is momentous in a negative way and should be abandoned. Even if it simultaneously fosters service, devotion, prayer, modesty, and teaches peace, hope, and charity- real Christ-like love is not attained when any of the former qualities are present.

And I believe this is true not only for Mormonism but for any organized religion. Does God really want organized finger-pointing? Sadly, I think that many people belonging to any organized religion are too caught up in being right to be genuinely loving people. They may have their moments of charity and understanding, but there's no escaping the innate selfishness of the phrase, "I am right and you are wrong" -especially when we have no way of proving whose religious ideas are true. However, not all followers fall into this category. Some of my dearest friends (yes, some of them are Mormons) break the mold. And I am very blessed to have parents that are pretty open-minded as well. My mother has told me more than once that she wonders if in the end we will find out that none of the religions had it all right; more and more I am inclined to believe that she is right.

Life is about learning to love, and though almost any organized religion would agree with that notion, religious division frequently seems to prevent people from achieving true charity because they mistake pity for real love. I think a person is better off being an understanding atheist than a pitying believer.

What I'm trying to say with all of this is that I am feeling particularly disenchanted with organized religion in general and especially with Mormonism, since that is what I am presently most familiar with. I am not saying that it is bad to be a spiritual person or even a religious person- just so long as your religion doesn't turn you into a brainwashed raging finger-pointer on a pedestal.

Projections of Reality

We as human beings are professionals when it comes to projecting. From projecting election results to projecting our noses into other people’s business- it just comes naturally. In fact, we do it everyday. We define our reality by projecting what we want or need to be true onto existence. No matter how much we claim to be objective about our interpretation of what is real, we just can’t seem to escape subjectivity. We want something to be true, so we say it’s true and then find reasons that make it true, projecting our morals and measurements onto nature. This is true of religion, of social standards, and even what we consider to be the most fundamental laws of reality- being, identity, causality, and time. We can’t or don’t want to understand the world in any other way. This of course does not mean that all of our projections are false, but it certainly calls into question the soundness of our beliefs. So how, when so much of our truth is faith-based, can we claim that one way of looking at the world is better than another? It’s time that we start being more honest with ourselves and accepting that we are addicted to projecting. Hello, my name is draco and I am a bona fide projectionalist.

Church

You're unsure and you're not ready so that must mean I want you

You're unavailable and disinterested and to you I look for comfort
A milllion times in a million ways I will try to change you
A million months and a million days I'll try to convince you

I have waited for you and adjusted for you and I'm done
I have deferred to you and enabled you and I'm done

You're too young or you're too old or you're simply not inclined
You're asleep or you're withholding- be that my cue to crave you

Several times in several ways I'll try to squeeze love from you
Several hours and several ways I'll feast on scraps thrown from you

I have bent for you and I've deprived for you and I'm done
I have depressed for you and contorted for you and I'm done
I have stifled for you and I've compromised for you and I'm done
I have silenced for you and sacrificed for you and I'm done

It won't be long before I am reclaimed
It won't take long and I'll be on path again
It won't be easy for us to disengage
I'm at the end of self deprivation stage

You're afraid of every woman afraid of your inner workings
You cringe at the thought of living under the same roof as me god and everything

A million times and a million ways I've tried to alter to match you
Several times every several days I've tried to uncrush on you

I have waited for you and adjusted for you and I'm done
I have deferred to you and enabled you and I'm done
I have bent for you and I've deprived for you and I'm done
I have depressed for you and I've contorted for you and I'm done

Happy and Gay

I love Ellen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yf1cBha_Czo&feature=related

If you haven't seen this, you NEED to watch it!

Getting Political

I know that there’s already been quite a lot of discussion about whether or not it is appropriate for a Mormon to support gay marriage (see Abelard’s blog), but I feel like adding just a little more.

The church has clearly stated that its members should support legislation to protect marriage from homosexuals. In the August 2005 Ensign, we see the reasons why the church is stepping into politics:

“Church leaders have consistently affirmed that children are better off when born and reared in a family with both a mother and a father…. Research by family scholars supports the Church’s position. A recent publication compares children of single or cohabiting parents with children of married parents. While single parents often succeed in rearing well-adjusted, responsible children, the report concludes that, taken as a whole, children who live with married parents are less likely to divorce or become unwed parents themselves, are less likely to experience poverty, tend to have higher grades, are more likely to attend college, and experience lower rates of unemployment. On average, children of married parents also experience better physical and mental health, have lower rates of substance abuse, experience less child abuse, and are less likely to commit suicide or engage in criminal behavior. Parents can give children no greater gift than the example of a strong, loving marriage… If governments were to alter the moral climate by legitimizing same-sex marriages, gender confusion would increase, particularly among children, and this would further blur the line between good and evil”

I’m sorry, but this is absolutely ridiculous! Taking research gathered from observing single and cohabiting parents (which were probably heterosexuals living together out of wed-lock) and then projecting those results onto gay couples in committed marriage-like relationships is not only setting up a bad argument- it’s just downright deceitful! Talk about twisting the facts! Maybe the church is just afraid to publish real research about homosexual couples because the findings are not so supportive of its cause:

“…studies indicate that sexual orientation has no measurable effect on the quality of parent-child relationships or on the mental health of children.”

(http://www.narth.com/docs/does.html)

“There was no evidence in any of the studies of gender identity of any difficulties among children of lesbian mothers.”

“Taken together, the data do not suggest elevated rates of homosexuality among the offspring of lesbian or gay parents.”

“Results of research to date suggest that children of lesbian and gay parents have positive relationships with peers and that their relationships with adults of both sexes are also satisfactory. The picture of lesbian mothers' children that emerges is one of general engagement in social life with peers, with fathers, with grandparents, and with mothers' adult friends-both male and female, both heterosexual and homosexual. Fears about children of lesbians and gay men being sexually abused by adults, ostracized by peers, or isolated in single-sex lesbian or gay communities have received no support from the results of existing research.”

(http://www.apa.org/pi/lgbc/publications/lgpchildren.html)

The church has no substantial empirical evidence to show that gay families will hurt society. Alright- but God has commanded that it is wrong, so aren’t we justified in trying to ban gay marriage? The problem here is that the church is also committed to protecting religious rights (11^th Articles of Faith). All we need to do is imagine a situation in which a gay couple seeks to marry because, according to their religion, they believe that God has commanded them to marry and that such a marriage would be acceptable. Since there is no proof that letting this couple marry will be harmful to society, in theory the LDS church should not interfere with their marriage.

So all Mormons should support and not support allowing gay marriage. I didn’t know that God liked sending such mixed messages.

Brotherly Love

I came out to my younger brother, Lee, last weekend and it was an ideal experience.
This is how the conversation started:

Draco: “So, Lee- there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about…”

Lee: “Draco- I already know. I’m not stupid.”

Draco: “Oh.”

You see, Lee had already found out about me back in high school- and lately he’s been asking my mom questions and I knew that he was suspicious of me again. His reaction was the best!

Lee: “Draco, you’re my brother and I’ll love you no matter what. Your happiness means a lot to me and I’m glad that you’re doing what makes you happy.”

And Lee almost never tells me that he loves me! During the course of the conversation he said it like 5 times! We talked for about an hour just laughing and being normal. I feel so lucky! Now I only have to worry about my youngest brother, Scott. I think he’ll be fine, though. He also knows from when I was in high school. I’ve asked my mom to talk to him about me before I do to give him some time to get re-used to the idea.

So that’s that- by far the easiest coming-out talk that I’ve ever had. I wish everyone would react the way that Lee did.

Gordon B. Hinckley

-In loving memory of one of my greatest heroes-

No One Mourns the Wicked

As most of you probably have heard, Heath Ledger was found dead yesterday in his New York apartment. Authorities suspect drug overdose. The actor was only 28 and has a 2-year-old daughter. I asked my roommate if he had heard the news and he had. He said that most people that he's talked to about it think that it was punishment from God for having been in Brokeback Mountain. I'm so glad that we're such a loving and compassionate people.

A Lyrical Pause

Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes,
Five hundred twenty five thousand moments so dear,
Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes,
how do you measure,
measure a year?
In daylights,
in sunsets,
in midnights and cups of coffee?
In inches,
in miles and laughter and strife?
In five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes,
how do you measure,
a year in the life?

How about love,
how about love,
how about love?
Measure in love-
seasons of love,
seasons of love!

Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes,
Five hundred twenty five thousand journeys to plan,
Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes,
how do you measure the life of a woman or a man?

In truths that she learned,
or tears that he cried,
in bridges he burned or the way that she died?
Its time now to sing out though the story never ends,
let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends!

Remember the love!
Remember the love!
Remember the love!
Measure in love-
Oh you got to you got to remember the love!
You know that love is a gift from up above!
Share love, give love, spread love!
Measure, measure your life in love.

Seasons of love,
Seasons of love,
Measure you life, measure your life in love...

Oh Say What is Truth?

I had another thought provoking conversation with Luisa recently about the nature of religious truths. We pondered and laughed and I think Luisa even cried a little, and in the end we were both a bit dizzy- you can only philosophize so much before your brain starts aching- but we were able to talk out some interesting ideas. Here is some of what we discussed:

There is a difference between truth and Truth. The first refers to that which a group or an individual person may believe to be veridical, and the second with a capital-T indicates actuality- ideas that are True for all people. The first big question is: How can a person know that some religious truth (Mormonism for example) is Truth? How can we know for sure for sure for sure that the LDS faith is True and that all other faiths may be true, but not True? The answer is that you can’t know for sure (see my previous post “Do you know what I know?). Well if I can’t know for sure, does it matter what religious position I take? I think it does. I think every person should choose that religion which, as William James explains, offers the most “live and momentous” option. That is, each person chooses to have faith in those beliefs which he feels are most probable and spiritual and those which will have the best impact on his life. In LDS theology, this would lead everyone to be a Mormon; but is it really the case that Mormonism is the best religious option for everyone? I don’t think it is. I have met many people who just can’t believe in Mormon doctrine. It doesn’t make sense to them, it doesn’t ring true for them, and some are even repulsed by some of our tenets, even after prayer and honest inquiry. My mother is a perfect example. She has prayed about her faith and sincerely feels that God has told her not to join the LDS church. And I don’t think she’s been deceived at all. I think she would feel out of place in our church and that it would not make her happy. The methodical Mormon way of life and worship, as beneficial and happy as it may be for some people, is not the kind of worship and religion that feels right and rings true to her or to BILLIONS of other people.

So here we are, a human race with countless different ideas about religious truth- all searching for absolute Truth and some claiming that their religion already represents absolute Truth. Millions of people pray to their God and testify to having received their own answer about which doctrines are right and which are wrong, and the answers they receive conflict with the answers that others receive. So who is right? Where is capital-T Truth among the tens of thousands of little-t truths? Maybe- just maybe- it doesn’t matter. Maybe the real Truth is that God is the source of all our varying creeds and doctrines. But God is only one God! He can’t give two opposing revelations! Well maybe God is a lot more open-minded than we are. Maybe he knows us so well that he has inspired thousands of religious ideas to accommodate for our varying personalities- so that we can choose those religious tenets that will best help us to worship, to come to know him, and to learn to love. Isn’t that what the Bible says? “For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself (Galatians 5:14). So maybe finding ultimate religious Truth contained in only one religion is not terribly important because it doesn’t exist. Perhaps our task in life is instead to take faith in that which best helps us to become loving and compassionate people. Maybe it doesn’t matter if you’re gay, if you believe in a non-anthropomorphic deity, or if you pray through the Virgin Mary. We all claim different truths, but perhaps the only real religious Truth that we can really be sure of in this life is the necessity of learning to love and be loved.

Now if you’re a Mormon you probably disagree with me. But just stop and really think about it for a minute- why do you disagree with me? Is it because Mormonism has already made up your mind for you about it? Is it because you have proof that I am wrong? I think that all too often, we Mormons stop thinking for ourselves. Once we have our testimony that the church is true we get to stop asking a lot of questions. We call it faith but the rest of the world calls it indoctrination- believing dogmatically, blindly and with bias. If only we all could doubt for just a moment- open our mind and question things. Are we afraid to be wrong? Are we afraid of change? Are we afraid of being misled? We pick the last of the three questions, but how do we know we haven’t already been misled?

I think the LDS church is wonderful. For so many people it is the balm for religious aching. And I think some people need to feel that security of feeling like they have found the great absolute Truth. But isn’t it possible that God’s plan is more extensive than we believe it to be? When I began my religious quest almost 5 years ago, the first promise I made was to my mother; I promised her that I would never stop searching for Truth (or maybe it was just little-t truth- she didn’t specify). I think I found quite a bit of it in the LDS church, but I don’t think I have found what is wholly true for me nor what is a fullness of Truth with a capital T.

"Come be how you want to"

I used to be sure that if I started zooming around on a broomstick- if I started disobeying gravity- that I would surely lose all those special spiritual feelings that we talk about so much in the church. But the last two weeks have offered the most spiritual and tender feelings that I have felt in over a year. Of course there’s no proper way to describe it- serenity mixed with joy, resolve and enlightenment is the best I can do. With all the extra time I had on my hands over the break, I had plenty to spare for self-reflecting, praying, deep meditation, and for reading Jonathan Livingston Seagull. At the advice of a good friend’s father, I went back to the beginning- searching for the most basic spiritual answers: Who is God? What is his character? How do I feel the Holy Spirit? What is my purpose? And I got answers! -answers that I believe wholeheartedly to be divinely inspired truths. Maybe one day I will share them. I will say that I am sure that God is leading me along and that He has great plans for me. It all flies in the face of conformity. Some people- well a lot of people- are going to tell me I’m letting go of the rod and following forbidden paths into the fog. I wish you could see me smiling; just beyond the mist, away from the rod, the river and the building, there’s a whole world to be explored with more than just one lonely tree.